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Stitch's Movie Madness: 'Transformers'
18 years ago
General
For those of us old enough have enjoyed the 'Transformers' cartoons and toys back when they first debuted in the 1980s, the prospect of a live action movie always seemed kind of exciting. Sure, the whole thing was never anything more than an elaborate merchandising blitz, but there used to be a goofy charm to the idea of a race of alien robots who could presto-changeo themselves into tape decks and VW beetles while pummeling each other into scrap metal. It would have been impossible to do ten years ago, but hey, CG is awesome now, right? Plus, it's just 'Transformers', for Pete's sake... all you need are good guy robots vs. bad guy robots and tons of shit blowing up. How could they screw it up?
How, indeed? Enter Michael Bay.
Now, let's be fair. Michael Bay is not the worst director alive today – that title probably belongs to Uwe Boll, or maybe the guy who just squeezed 'Evan Almighty' out. I'm not a Bay-hater. He's a savvy craftsman, he's got a keen cinematographer's eye, and he really seems to care about what he's doing... but holy crap, does the man have horrible taste. Virtually every film he's made (even 'The Rock', which I rather like) is a mad scramble of slick action, pretty visuals, knives-on-a-blackboard comic relief and blend-o-matic editing that renders many scenes incomprehensible. He's like a talented chef who could make you a nice omelette, but instead feels compelled to dump in sixty different spices and then set the thing on fire because it'll look really cool.
Even still, Bay could have pulled this movie off, if only because 'Transformers' only needed to be a simple, breezy escapist fantasy in order to work. Unfortunately, producer Steven Spielberg seems to have encouraged all of Bay's tackiest tendencies, the worst of which is his endless fascination with shallow characters doing obnoxious things. I thought the characters in 'Armageddon' were assholes, but he tops himself here by giving us interminable scenes of the human hero arguing with his parents, who come across like characters from some boorish, failed sitcom pilot. Bay never met a cheap gag or stereotype he didn’t think was hilarious, so instead of the promised robots-in-disguise fighting it out, we’re mainly treated to a chihuahua who wears ‘bling bling’, a pudgy computer hacker who chugs donuts and literally screams most of his dialogue, and a creepy sequence wherein the hero’s mom bursts into his room and eagerly demands to know if he’s been masturbating.
Not that the robots fare any better. Not only does Bay satisfy what he apparently presumes was the fanbase’s longstanding desire to watch a Transformer go wee-wee, but he also tries to plug into the ‘urban market’ with a ‘yo yo, wassup?’ jive-talking Autobot who would have been groan-inducing fifteen years ago. Apart from their designated ‘good guy’ or ‘bad guy’ roles, the robots are devoid of personality... everyone more or less converses in chunks of bald-faced exposition, with nary a hint of backstory or believable motivation. As a result, even the occasional death of a major character elicits little more than a shrug.
Given that the story and characters in ‘Transformers’ are a write-off, it would have been up to the action scenes alone to carry the show, but again Bay trips over his own feet in the one area he should have gotten right. Between his hyperactive editing and a compulsive tendency to stage the combat scenes as extreme closeups of unidentifiable thrashing robot limbs, it’s like watching your childhood toys spinning around in a blender. Even more frustrating is the fact that, despite all the bombastic explosions and grinding metal, many key fights sort of wander off screen and conclude out of sight.
The biggest problem with ‘Transformers’, however, is its basic lack of anything resembling a sympathetic point of view. In Bay’s world there are simply no characters who aren’t shallow or stereotypical, no conversations that aren’t shrill or grating, and no dramatic moments that can’t be goosed up with inappropriate comic relief. I’m sure nobody was expecting a masterpiece, but for crying out loud, even a movie about giant robots from outer space needs at least a tiny spark of humanity.
How, indeed? Enter Michael Bay.
Now, let's be fair. Michael Bay is not the worst director alive today – that title probably belongs to Uwe Boll, or maybe the guy who just squeezed 'Evan Almighty' out. I'm not a Bay-hater. He's a savvy craftsman, he's got a keen cinematographer's eye, and he really seems to care about what he's doing... but holy crap, does the man have horrible taste. Virtually every film he's made (even 'The Rock', which I rather like) is a mad scramble of slick action, pretty visuals, knives-on-a-blackboard comic relief and blend-o-matic editing that renders many scenes incomprehensible. He's like a talented chef who could make you a nice omelette, but instead feels compelled to dump in sixty different spices and then set the thing on fire because it'll look really cool.
Even still, Bay could have pulled this movie off, if only because 'Transformers' only needed to be a simple, breezy escapist fantasy in order to work. Unfortunately, producer Steven Spielberg seems to have encouraged all of Bay's tackiest tendencies, the worst of which is his endless fascination with shallow characters doing obnoxious things. I thought the characters in 'Armageddon' were assholes, but he tops himself here by giving us interminable scenes of the human hero arguing with his parents, who come across like characters from some boorish, failed sitcom pilot. Bay never met a cheap gag or stereotype he didn’t think was hilarious, so instead of the promised robots-in-disguise fighting it out, we’re mainly treated to a chihuahua who wears ‘bling bling’, a pudgy computer hacker who chugs donuts and literally screams most of his dialogue, and a creepy sequence wherein the hero’s mom bursts into his room and eagerly demands to know if he’s been masturbating.
Not that the robots fare any better. Not only does Bay satisfy what he apparently presumes was the fanbase’s longstanding desire to watch a Transformer go wee-wee, but he also tries to plug into the ‘urban market’ with a ‘yo yo, wassup?’ jive-talking Autobot who would have been groan-inducing fifteen years ago. Apart from their designated ‘good guy’ or ‘bad guy’ roles, the robots are devoid of personality... everyone more or less converses in chunks of bald-faced exposition, with nary a hint of backstory or believable motivation. As a result, even the occasional death of a major character elicits little more than a shrug.
Given that the story and characters in ‘Transformers’ are a write-off, it would have been up to the action scenes alone to carry the show, but again Bay trips over his own feet in the one area he should have gotten right. Between his hyperactive editing and a compulsive tendency to stage the combat scenes as extreme closeups of unidentifiable thrashing robot limbs, it’s like watching your childhood toys spinning around in a blender. Even more frustrating is the fact that, despite all the bombastic explosions and grinding metal, many key fights sort of wander off screen and conclude out of sight.
The biggest problem with ‘Transformers’, however, is its basic lack of anything resembling a sympathetic point of view. In Bay’s world there are simply no characters who aren’t shallow or stereotypical, no conversations that aren’t shrill or grating, and no dramatic moments that can’t be goosed up with inappropriate comic relief. I’m sure nobody was expecting a masterpiece, but for crying out loud, even a movie about giant robots from outer space needs at least a tiny spark of humanity.
I really, really wanted to like this movie... but the movie wouldn't let me.
Seems like almost every comic/cartoon-based flick turns out bad or so-so. Worst comic-based movies are still Spawn and The Hulk in my opinion. Ghostrider was pretty awesome though. Ghh!
*shuts up and goes back to look up all the original Transformers-series*
But heck, all of this is just my opinion... some folks think the movie is great, and I'm not one to say that they're wrong for liking it. (I agree that 'Spawn' was pretty crap, though. I never saw 'Hulk'.)
I agree with all your points (except that I thought Shia did an amazing job, responsible for about the only real emotion in the film), and am kinda blown away by how skillfully you arranged them. The omelette simile was hilarious and absolutely perfect! I wrote a journal about the movie shortly after I watched it, and it came out... shall we say... a tad defensive. (read: psychotically furious) For me, not only did I think the movie failed at every level of filmmaking (yes, the effects were well-done, but Bay seems determined to keep anyone from seeing them clearly, or for longer than two seconds), but that it was one of the worst adaptations I've ever seen. Right up there with Lost In Space, Aeon Flux and Catwoman. There's I don't know HOW many existing Transformers storylines out there, and the movie focuses mostly on the humans? Whaat?
As I've written elsewhere on FA, I think Transformers fans like myself had every right to expect an exponentially better movie than this. Films like Spiderman, Pirates Of The Carribean, Sin City, V For Vendetta, Hellboy, X2, all the Harry Potter movies and all the Lord Of The Rings movies have _proven_ that you can make a big-budget summer blockbuster special effects extravaganza out of an existing book/comic/cartoon/etc. and it can still be intelligent, fun, respectful of its source material and have real emotion.
In closing; I would like to lock Michael Bay and Anthony Anderson in a large wooden crate and set it afloat somewhere in the Atlantic. Who knows; America might just get smarter.
Actually I agree that LaBeouf's performance was perfectly fine... I just wish that his character had been more than a loose jumble of teen cliches. Even the best acting can't salvage clunky lines like 'I'm never giving you this Allspark!' My problem wasn't with any of the actors, per se, just with the way their characters were written, and with the way Bay apparently encouraged them to indulge in gratuitious histrionics.
Actually my original journal was going to be a fake script for 'Transformers 2', with all of what I think of as Bay's worst tendencies cranked up to maximum (lots of ethnic stereotypes, rampant macho jingoism and a transforming pancake that attacks Chris Tucker at an IHOP.) The only reason I didn't go with it was that it ended up being five pages long. :P
I think the main reason 'Transformers' is wowing the crowds right now has a lot to do with Bay's ability to deliver crowd-pleasing surface gloss... if you make your explosions look pretty enough, people regrettably tend to overlook things like crappy dialogue and clumsy storytelling (it's the same reason the new 'Star Wars' movies got a free pass from so many folks). What gets me, though, is how thoroughly boring the movie is... even the supposedly kick-ass action scenes are often interrupted by pace-killing comic relief that wouldn't have passed muster in an old 1980s John Hughes flick.
You're right, there really is no excuse for even a fluffy Summer special effects bonbon like 'Transformers' to be this bad, especially considering how recent films like 'Pirates' and 'Hellboy' have mined similar themes to much greater reward. Better directors than Bay have proven that 'popcorn entertainment' doesn't have to mean 'dumb as a brick'.
>Even the best acting can't salvage clunky lines like 'I'm never giving you this Allspark!'...
Kinda reminds me of watching Halle Berry in Catwoman. You can tell she's honestly trying her best to have fun with the godawful mess the director's making her wallow in. Sharon Stone _definitely_ deserved the 'worst actress' Razzie instead of her.
>My problem wasn't with any of the actors, per se, just with the way their characters were written...
I wanna know what the hell else the scriptwriters worked on. 'Extreme' Saturday morning cartoon shows? Shoe commercials? Placemats at Denny's!?
>Actually my original journal was going to be a fake script for 'Transformers 2'
OH MY GUCKING FOD I _so_ want to see this. If memory serves me, your satire cuts like a razor blade (Does strawberry cake mean anything to you?) and Bay is RIPE for targeting.
BTW, my own efforts to erase the movie and replace it with my own can be seen here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/159833/
>I think the main reason 'Transformers' is wowing the crowds right now has a lot to do with Bay's ability to deliver crowd-pleasing surface gloss...
*nodnodnod* People who have no prior experience with the Transformers see great big complex shape-changing robots and go 'Ooooh!'. In this sense, I think it's similar to showing someone a really good piece of artwork and claiming it's yours, while giving zero credit to the original creator. They're impressed by the *content*, and miss the surrounding elements.
>What gets me, though, is how thoroughly boring the movie is...
YES!!! (You got an 'Orson Welles yes' out of me!) I was almost totally incapable of emotion by the end credits. The stupidity keeps you from connecting with the action scenes and the overEVERYTHING of the climax just numbs the crap outta you.
>Better directors than Bay have proven that 'popcorn entertainment' doesn't have to mean 'dumb as a brick'.
I hear ya. I swear, this is all part of a nationwide trend where absolutely everything is becoming incrementally stupider day by day. Ever seen the movie Idiocracy? It won't take mankind 500 years to reach that state. I'm thinkin' forty or so.
I'll have to see about polishing up that fake script thing I wrote and see if it's worth showing around. :P (Btw, I'm pleased as punch that you remember my Strawberry Cake story from all that time ago.)
I must say, your own idea for a 'Tranformers' movie is much closer in spirit to the original cartoon series and animated movie... and it's probably a lot like what any number of fans who actually liked the damn show or knew anything about it would have come up with.
I'm rather disheartened by this seemingly endless trend of 'fixing' old stories to appeal to the hip, with-it audiences of today. Looking back over the decades, you'll witness a sea of pop-culture tainted detritus that in its time was supposed to be just soooo now, you dig? Inevitably, we look back at these things just ten years down the line and slap our collective foreheads, groaning 'what were we thinking?'
That'll be 'Transformers' in a few years, right along with the new CG versions of 'Garfield' and 'Alvin and the Chipmunks'.
Yep, I've seen 'Idiocracy', and I'm of the opinion that it's one of the most brilliant satires of the last couple of decades. It doesn't surprise me that it hardly got released to theaters... I imagine the humor bites too close to the bone for some folks.
Yipeee!! *bounces up and down*
>(Btw, I'm pleased as punch that you remember my Strawberry Cake story from all that time ago.)
I still think it's one of the most perfect pieces of satire I've ever read. Did I ever tell you i wrote a 'sequel' of sorts to it? It's as silly as yours was subtle; written mostly for my own amusement and to thumb my nose at Indy.
>I must say, your own idea for a 'Tranformers' movie is much closer in spirit to the original cartoon series and animated movie... and it's probably a lot like what any number of fans who actually liked the damn show or knew anything about it would have come up with.
Glee! Thanks very much for saying so; that is *precicely* what I was hoping for.
>I'm rather disheartened by this seemingly endless trend of 'fixing' old stories to appeal to the hip, with-it audiences of today. Looking back over the decades, you'll witness a sea of pop-culture tainted detritus that in its time was supposed to be just soooo now, you dig? Inevitably, we look back at these things just ten years down the line and slap our collective foreheads, groaning 'what were we thinking?'
*nodnodnod* Why can't they just _try_ to make movies timeless? Do they not comprehend that that's the way to make these things work?
>That'll be 'Transformers' in a few years, right along with the new CG versions of 'Garfield' and 'Alvin and the Chipmunks'.
Please tell me you're kidding about the last one. *hovers razor blade above own jugular vein*
>Yep, I've seen 'Idiocracy', and I'm of the opinion that it's one of the most brilliant satires of the last couple of decades. It doesn't surprise me that it hardly got released to theaters... I imagine the humor bites too close to the bone for some folks.
I loved it, but thought it could actually have been improved by being even darker and meaner. Not TOO much; just enough to show some of the darker sides of stupidity a bit better. Like, oh, racism and gay-bashing for starters.
For me, there is _nothing_ on earth more disgusting than stupidity. And by that I mean having intelligence and choosing not to use it out of laziness. Needless to say, living in this particular era, I remain in a state of continuous hair-pulling and teeth gnashing daily. *anime sweatdrop*
No, I hadn't heard that you'd done a sequel to 'Cake'... is that on the site? I'd be curious to read it.
Nope, I'm afraid I'm not kidding about a CG 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' movie... it comes out later this year. The character models are very, very disturbing.
I chalk up a lot of what we define as 'stupidity' to people simply not wanting to bother dealing with aspects of life that we don't want to acknowledge. I firmly believe that the majority of the problems we face today stem directly from folks simply being opposed to listening to other points of view.
Nope, I don't remember if I ever even showed it to anyone. I'll send it in a PM. It's really short.
I cannot seem to find any pics of the new Chipmunks, just a lot of photos of Jason Lee; who I once liked and now I am beginning to think he's one of the bigger whores in Hollywood. Fucking Underdog movie... Sheesh.
>I firmly believe that the majority of the problems we face today stem directly from folks simply being opposed to listening to other points of view.
Yupyupyupyup. I cannot understand the almost universal need to defend a wrong position instead of accepting a correct one. Chris Rock in 'Dogma' was right: beliefs are freakin' dangerous. Why can't people just say, 'Oh! I'm wrong? Golly, I must change my belief immediately so I will longer be wrong. I am so happy now that I have learned!' Of course, there's been a thunderous anti-intellectual streak rampaging through this country since a certain Texan arrived on the political scene.
I hope people send _truckloads_ of pretzels to the White House every day...
I think you may have expected a little too much from a transformers movie.
It's not that I had unrealistically high expectations... I was simply disappointed that the film didn't offer up what I believe are the basic staples of competent storytelling. IMHO, if you strip away the special effects and the robots bashing together, you're left with a film that sputters along on sub-par character development, weak cliches and a plot that's riddled with holes. Considering how many truly good comic book/cartoon adaptations there have been in recent years, there's no reason for 'Transformers' to have been so sloppy.
Again, though, this is all just one guy's opinion. :3
Well yes i can see your point to a degree. the storytelling could have been better. However, i think the sequels have a better chance of working better.
And i liked some of the humor in it. Just the situational humor they took advantage of.
(and yes, i am VERY sure there will be more sequels)
Nooooooooooooooo, he didn't. Jazz the character did, but he was the _opposite_ of the way they put him in the movie. Jazz was old school! *black power salute*
It also had incredably freakish monsetrs. One I remember would reside in an inner room. It was a a purplish opaque sillouete of a person with their eyeballs still placed in their head. It sat in a chair in the fiddle of the room and completely ignored you until you ventured too close. If you did, it would rise from the chair, raise its arms to the sky like it was prasing god, and then transform into a spinning collumn of multicolored lights that roared like a jet engine. the column would chase fater you, passing throuch any surface and would overtake you and separate your soul from you body. Absolutely bizzare and excidingly terrifying.
Plus I'm still no fan of Micheal Bay.
Michael Bay hasn't earned my undying disappointment yet, but he's definitely borderline.
I tried not to factor the old series in, because I saw pictures of the bots and knew it would not be anything like it. I was hoping for, at the very least, a good robot smashemup movie. For all of the reasons you said it didn't even live up to that.