Guess I'll start with the good news, since there isn't much of it.

GOOD NEWS! I uh, well, my loans I apply for school every year successfully went through. I'm confirmed for yet another wonderful year at Ringling. I added in the money for those refunds as well, so that has been secured. However, it's been split in half, so only half of the refund money is going to be handed to me for this semester, I won't get the rest until December. So for those of you who really don't want a refund, please inform me so I can make a list. Then I guess, for those of you who really do want a refund, note me as well so I can get a list of those people.

That's all.

BAD NEWS. This is a bit of a rant, so be warned. I really need to get this out of my system...so it's going to be a tad long. If you read this...you are truly amazing. ( The real news is mostly towards the bottom if you want to skip...this is very tl;dr)

So um, I've been away for a while. I should really announce these things hah. Pretty much, my mother wanted me to come home for a bit. I had a doctor's appointment I needed to go to, my car needed some service done to it, and my mom threw a hissy fit about my hair and made me get it redone. ( I was pretty okay with it, my hair is always a curly mess, but she found it revolting.) It was in my plans to just come home for the weekend, but the people my dad found to fix my car were very...well...unreliable. There were a lot of fake promises about my car coming out of the shop earlier that week, and it wasn't ready until Friday. So yes, I was at home for the entire week. That's not so bad right? My little trip home started out pretty okay, the only thing I was a little peeved about was that the money I made from Megaplex had to be used to get home and to get some pre-service done to my car before I took off.

I wasn't worried at first, because I had told my mom I was gonna use that money for AFO, and she said she would reimburse me for the rest of the month. Luckily I didn't use all of it though, however...I was forced to along the way because the money my mom deposited for gas didn't come through that day. I almost didn't have enough to make it home, but fortunately I made it just in time.

Alright, so somewhere in between the time I got home and by the time I left, my mom kind of went a little batshit. I don't know what got her so worked up, but now my parents are holding me against my will. It's really weird, because uh, we didn't have many problems while I was there. She had her little rant sessions with me every now and then (Mostly about how she keeps wasting money and my actual mother. Yes, she still supports my mom....who is 46.), but those are normal. We did have a little bitchfit about how she thinks I'm lying to her about what I do with the money she gives me, and I got a little peeved about how she kept using the term "People like you" and "people like you who don't care if you lie" ...followed by "People like you who don't have remorse or any sort of self conscience".

Um, that really upset me. I don't think I can begin to express how hard it was for me to just sit there and take that with my mouth shut tight. I just took her bitching, nodded, and went back to my business. I just assumed it was normal, my mom does suffer from high blood pressure..so sometimes I just take the things she says with a grain of salt. Mostly because my parents (Who are actually my grandparents...they adopted me, so they're legally my parents who I call mom and dad.) are very old fashioned, highly prejudice and still think as though they're still living in the 1960's or some shit like that. Oh, and they're highly religious, you know, the typical bible thumping HI WE'RE OLD AND LIVE IN ALABAMA AND GO TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY. IF YOU DON'T WE HAVE NO RESPECT FOR YOU. That doesn't even begin to cover it.

Let me tell you a bit about me and my parents before I go on, maybe you'll see where I'm coming from. You see, I'm pretty agnostic, mostly an athiest, but everything about religion is up in the clouds for me right now. I'll leave it at that. When I told my parents that, they began to slowly treat like some sort of reject. Or if you really wanna get emo up in here, treating me like the little mistake I am. Mostly my dad though, he used to treat me like the best thing in the world until I told him that. It's like he gave up on me and only continued to support me since I was just like...what, 15 at the time? Well his true feelings are starting to show now I guess. Idk, he doesn't seem to care much at all anymore. My mother however, was in this constant state of denial about me being agnostic. She about had a heart attack or something, she put me in therapy for it and everything. IT WAS A CRAZY POINT IN TIME FOR ME. However, she soon realized she'd never be able to change me back to what I used to be when I was like 10 or something, so now they see me as this ridiculous non-believing devil spawn or something lame like that.

So I believe you get the point now, they're those types of religious people. Now don't get me wrong, I'm pretty accepting of people with different views, beliefs and religions. I believe I can safely say that I'm pretty easy going with those sorts of topics and what have yous. It's just...when you start shoving it down my throat, that's when I get angry. My parents like to do this a lot, they start stepping all over my toes about Christianity and why I'm a horrible person because I don't believe in the things they do and why THEIR VIEWS ARE THE ONLY RIGHT VIEWS!!!! You know, they've got that really huge "Holier Than Thou" complex. It's very hard to get your point of view to through them, and that goes with anything. "Oh sorry, but your opinions are silly and invalid, only our opinions matter because we're old and have had experience!! You are still young, so everything you say is wrong and stupid."

I'm not trying to put my parents down, because I really do appreciate what they do for me and everything they have done for me. But that's just it...I only have respect for them because they're my parents. When it comes to them as individuals...all the respect I had for them has been lost. Why? Because I just...idk, the way they constantly put down things is really disgusting.

Like for instance, when me and my mom have talks about my general image, I'll tell her "But you're the only one who thinks my hair is horrible." Or "You're the only one who thinks I'm super fat" and stuff like that. You know how she responds? "That's because the people who tell you that don't give a shit about you! You should start listening to the people who care, like me!!!" While I can see where she's coming from, and sometimes I do agree with her due to my own insecurities, it's just really ridiculous to hear that. I get a lot of compliments about my hair, even when it's not in it's best condition. I'm usually pretty happy with it. However, when I was at home she said something along the lines of "See, you're down there in Florida with a bunch of freaks, they don't know what they're talking about." That just...really pissed me off, those "freaks" are my friends, sometimes my mom just doesn't know what she's saying sometimes.

So yeah, a lot of that kind of bickering happened while I was at home. :/ I kept to myself and tried not to argue, which was for the better. I left home, my mom gave me money for the month which I was pretty happy with, however I came to realize it wasn't enough when I found that I had to use half of it for gas to get back to Florida since gas prices sky-rocketed over the past few days. Also I was still going to AFO, I had already planned to split the room cost with Mur and I wasn't about to back out of that at the last minute all like OOPS NEVERMIND.

Since my mom bitched at me a little about money before I left, she thought she got through to me that I shouldn't go to AFO or something. Well she technically did since I didn't pay for admission or anything at AFO, just for the room. She uh, well, called me on Saturday to see if I made it back okay. I told her I was in Orlando and she just kinda...blew up on me. :/ She thought I lied to her and she started up again with the whole "PEOPLE LIKE YOU!!!" thing and I finally got angry and just said "What do you mean people like me??" and she was all like "STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT!!" and I'm just thinking " Geez you're the one who said it."

So yeah, uh, she pretty much yelled at me and guilt tripped me, saying that since I'm some horrible "non-believer" she assumes that I lie to her about what I do with her money and now she doesn't have any because she spent all her money on me.

Um.

Did I forget to mention that when I was at home they were getting the entire kitchen remodeled? Also, she was the one who flipped out and wanted me to get my hair done. All I came home for was to go to the doctor, get my car checked on (Which my dad paid for), and uh..that's about it. She also pays on my loans and my rent every month, but that's apart of the usual bills she pays every month. She just counted that in to add on to the guilt. :/ She's also STILL trying to support my actual mother, who has a job to support herself and my sister and pretty much everything else. She doesn't have to do it, but she chooses to. (For what reasons I don't know..)

So I got really upset after that phone call, like I just legitimately broke down. All of that anger that swelled up inside me converted into utter rage. Mostly because my mom just...wouldn't listen to me at all. She never does, she just assumes the worst without listening to my side of the story. She told me she didn't have any money left, so she wouldn't be able to give me any more until she had more. I was okay with this, I'm pretty good to holding on to money when I have to. So I cried like a pussy for a while, mostly from all of that rage that built up inside me and eh, well, after that kind of yelling it leaves me feeling pretty worthless. Like uh, I kind of wanted to die. Really. Being yelled at is something I can not handle.

I eventually stopped crying like a little fag, and decided to hang out with some people and my friends that were at AFO to cheer me up a bit. It helped a lot too, and soon I felt 100% better. It was so great I decided to hang out with them again on Sunday and such, you know, just trying to be positive and such. I went home that following evening and everything was PRETTY GREAT.

Well the next day I got this....angry phone call from my actual mother. I was pretty surprised to see her name pop up on my phone, normally her phone calls are pleasing to get. HEY MY ACTUAL MOM IS CALLING ME, YOU DO CARE!!! HEYYY--- "..."

Oh my god I don't even know how to explain the sheer...anger that was coming from my phone. I put it on speaker phone just so I could let Mur in on what's happening. My actual mom is not pretty when she's angry...which is why I wonder if we're related sometimes, I did not inherit her aggressive nature. I can get angry...but my anger just turns into pussy tears.

Anyways, she was telling me that she was just "relaying a message from momma" that I'm being completely cut off from them. She says that she's been spending too much money on me and that she finds that it's not fair I take my money that I make and do whatever the fuck I want with it. She also thinks I lied to her about summer classes and that I pissed the summer away on her money. She told me not to even think about calling, because they're not going to pick up the phone.

After that she decided to lecture me on how much her life sucked when my parents did that to her and HOW FUCKING HARD IT IS, SUCKS TO BE YOU HUH????

Thing is...the difference between me and my actual mom, when she was my age she dropped out of college. n_n; She was on drugs, a big sex addict, and was also addicted to smoking. PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING HORRIBLE. She apparently unfortunately got knocked up with me at that time. (That's where the mistake thing comes in, I still wonder how I came out okay.) My parents gave her multiple chances, they gave her money too!! But she just wasted it on DRUGS AND STUFF. So that's why they cut her off!!! She had to spend a lot of her time on the streets because she was too addicted to drugs and when she finally got enough of that..that's when she had to give in and go back home. She was put in rehab and NOW SHE'S SOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER. So my parents are "supporting" her until she's back on her feet. She's doing pretty well now. :/ She has a job, a car...her on house, she's supporting herself AND my sister. She looks to well...our mother, to pay her smaller stuff like insurance shit, car payments and other stuff I probably don't know about.

So I'm just sitting here thinking to myself...god damnit, if anyone has to be cut off, why not you? YOU ARE 46, WHAT IS THIS. She had her chance, but she blew it. (I mean really..what makes more sense? Supporting your daughter who's still in college who's trying to make something of herself or supporting the 46 year old who's pretty much supporting her own self with her job and everything else she could ever need.)

That's really horrible of me think like that, but seriously. I got really upset about that phone call, but later realized she was only angry because since my mom gave me her money, now she doesn't have any money to give her!! OH BOOHOO.

But yeah, she just..ranted and ranted at me, she began to even pull Mur into all of this, saying that our parents aren't like Mur's!! THEY'RE FROM NEW YORK N_N THAT MEANS THEY'RE RICH AND CAN AFFORD STUFF. WE CAN NOT, EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW, HAHA, WE DO MAKE 100K A YEAR WHICH IS A LOT HIGHER THAN HER PARENTS' SALARY. BUT WHO CARES, THEY'RE STILL RICH BECAUSE THEY'RE FROM NEW YORK. THAT

TOTALLY

MAKES

A LOT

OF

FUCKING

SENSE!!!! YEAH!!!!!!

The only difference between mine and Mur's parents is that his parents work. MINE DO NOT. They're retired and expect that their retirement checks are enough to cover everything!!!!

Ok I'm starting to lose my cool, but when my parents start pulling that out of their asses, that just begins to show how ignorant they can be. Do you see what I'm saying?? I hope so.

So Mur heard that, and he got all angry and outraged. I did too...and I just..I kind of hung up on my actual mom because she was starting to go completely batshit and she was being biased anyways. My parents cutting me off is not only not fair to me, but also unfair to Mur. :/ We split the rent cost in half and both of our parents signed the lease agreeing to paying the rent every month. Them cutting me off is also them not paying the rent...so...there's a little problem here. Also, I still needed supplies for classes this semester..and..well, pretty much they were going to provide the money for my living expenses. I didn't include that in the loans because they said not to...

So my mom just suddenly doing this out of the blue really upset me, and well, I kind of broke down again the other day. Especially with the whole "We're not even going to pick up the phone if you call!!!" thing. It's like they're sticking their noses up in the air until I give in to their wishes. Their wishes being, wanting me to quit college and come home. They think me going to college here is a huge waste of money and time. They can't do anything about this year since it's been paid for, but they're seriously considering pulling me out of college for next year. q___q;; So they're just going to cut off everything until that time comes...I guess. I honestly think that my mom's just over-reacting, but I dunno...

I talked to my aunt and she spoke with my mom(s), she told me that I should just write to her since she won't listen to me over the phone. I'm going to do this, because at least I can get down my point of view on paper, so she can read it and maybe understand me for once.

You see, none of this would be a problem if it were possible to get a job and go to Ringling at the same time, but I'm afraid this is a problem and very impossible to do (Just ask anyone who went/goes to Ringling.). My parents don't realize this, they think Ringling is a huge pushover since it's an art school. :/ They're very much in the wrong and it's hard explaining this to them, I even had to get a teacher to talk to them about it. It's really hard for me, because this semester I will be having 4 studio classes, and on top of that, starting a minor and I will probably be in charge of a club this year. So a job is out of the question, and the only thing I could probably manage would be commissions..which I really didn't want to do during the school year, it's very hard getting to them.

So I'm pretty much at a loss right now, I've been feeling a lot better with the help of about everything and trying to stay positive, and I'm going to give this letter thing a go and see what happens with my parents. However, I feel as though I should suck it up and expect the worst. I just hate knowing I may have to take out another loan. q_q; Loans are not cool.

Meh, sorry this is so long, normally I keep rants to myself..but I figured this may be something that's going to affect the out come of art or something of the like...