i have a friend who just lost some one very close to him, close enough my friend would not be where they are today, if not for this person

i have never felt so alone as i do here. i am left to myself most of the time. left to take care of me and ripley. So hearing that some one i care very much for is hurting and i cannot even comfort them frustrates the hell out of me.

as much as i enjoyed the fur meet, and hanging out with Shesta, and Candi. i cannot begin to express how i feel about where i am at. I fight with just getting out of the bed every morning. i fight making the product i need to make for this con i am going to be at.

i miss my mate so much. god i just want ot be able to touch his hand. i'd be freaking happy with that. i feel so isolated. so cut off from the life blood i need. Then i get slammed with the messages on my myspace from my friend, and read his blog, and lose myself. it became worse for me. All i want to do is hug them and tell them it will be ok. maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but it will be ok.

i kick myself more and more missing the last time i could have seen them. i should have gone anyway. -large sigh- you know i feel like i have done a lot...but then i look around and go well guess not. 1 bracelet for a days work...great...if i go at this rate i'll be ready for a-fest by x-mas....-.-

ugg, i just need people. I need social interaction, and not on computer screen of a phone call or fucking text message...i want people that i can touch and hang around and joke with.

i want my mom.
I want to be at home in dallas so i can see my mate, and he can see his daughter.
i am so scared right now, so lost and a lone. i just want to find my way home, back to where i eat right, and feel better, and leave the fucking house!

its almost like i can feel my soul dieing. the longer i am alone and lost. I tell my brother i am eating when i am not. i feel bad about it. but i am tired of the same food over and over and over and over again. i need variety. its better for your body and mind, and mental state. the last time i was preggers it was not this bad. I didn't feel depressed all the time. tired yes, but i got up at a decent hour. i did things. and took care of myself. but being here, and not being listened to on what i need to be healthy and happy, makes it worse. though hopefully soon i will be home, with my mom, on my ace+ land, in my own room, with my things. and i will eat better, see my mate more. i really think that's the only thing keeping me going is the idea of home... home is where your heart is. and it is in three places.

One part with my mom.
One part with my friend.
One part with my mate.

i keep checking to see when they will be in Dallas, my friend, so i can see them. and not worry about them so much.

ugg its great going from high of finishing the colony season 1 and loving it, to the depression of someone i love being in pain i can't fix...or comfort them on.

i think i am going to stop wallowing in my pity...and try to sleep some...i love you all. Please those of you from here in WF do not take it as i do not like you or i don't care about you...i just have very needy needs. i really do love you all. well the ones i have talked to and all. but i just need more right now...sorry.