It's interesting the way life works out sometimes. Unemployed for 3 years, unemployment checks ran out, trying to survive as long as that $100 in my account would last me, a job interview for Sea World that goes perfectly... But still I was wary of hope, didn't want to put all my faith in getting that job. Subconsciously, I did anyways. I wrote in my journal beside my bed for the first time in months, contemplating the idea of hope, and trying to find it in a 3 year job hunt. Realizing that I needed to find a new source of hope, to keep my mind alive and try as hard as I could. Then I went out to the mailbox to get a letter of "Thank you for your interest, but we're currently looking at other applicants". That, and a note on my car saying it was going to be towed as a non-operating vehicle. Really a shitty day. Pretty much shattered any feelings of hope I might've had. I realized that, even though I had no faith in myself and no belief that I was going to be anything but a burden on my friends and family, I had to keep on going and keep looking for a job and trying to survive. What else could I do?

Two days later, a phone call, "So about that position, we actually have another one just open. Do you want-" "YES I DO GIMME A JOB NAO PLS!" It was really more of a reaction than anything. Even during training I still wasn't totally convinced that I'd been hired. The realization of "I have a job" didn't settle in right a way, even if I did dance around the apartment saying it repeatedly. So away I went, training, working, first job in 3 years. Three occasionally grueling weeks later, I got my first paycheck. I worked 8am to noon that day, and spent the rest of the day in the park, reminding myself of where I was working and why it was a good place. Got a backstage tour, saw the training/rehabilitation areas for the animals, and got to stare into the eyes of a few very curious and playful dolphins. Got to kick back and watch the killer whales relax and play between shows. Got to attend all the shows I wanted to. Ended the day with a spectacular "Shamu Rocks" show and fireworks. And to top it all off, I found my hope again. To see these spectacular, intelligent, majestic creatures interact and perform, it felt wonderful. I wanted to see more of what the natural world had to offer, and do what I can to protect it, clearly the point of the entire park. Also, I got to pet a shark for the first time in my life, which was awesome.

To top it off, tonight was the first chance I had to go fencing since the end of May, and I got to play with/learn from a fine and friendly master from New Orleans who was visiting. Good workout, and I've learned a lot about lateral movement from him. Got a few more fights and put on a good show, again learning a lot and feeling good about what I've learned. And on the way home, I got to see the tail end of the Sea World fireworks as I was driving home on the empty freeway.

Starting to remember what it's like to enjoy life, rather than just escaping from the pain of the hard parts by playing video games. Enjoying life is a good feeling.