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Re:Coming out...again
15 years ago
General
A post in response to the one 
2_gryphon made, found here. Thought I'd be nice and not try and cram all of this mostly-about-myself post into 2's.
All right. Finally back. Let's see if I can properly express myself.
First, a little background exposition. I am a 24 year old, male wolf (debate semantics later). I've had my share of plusses and minuses as far as life experience goes. I am dominant bisexual. I am altruistic, no matter what I say, and I do love snuggling with the ones I love. I've been in two sexual relationships, one male, one female. Online-wise, I have one "pup", one "Mate", and one person I don't quite know how to react to yet. Rocky ground, all of it (Again, debate later). I've known my Mate for about 5 years, my pup for about 2-3, and the last one for not quite a year. I lived in my mother's house until about 3-4 years ago, got out, met the male of the two, had a relationship. Got a job, met the female of the two, had a relationship. Lost the job, lost the house, forced to live with my mother until this last week. Managed to move out to a nearby resort thing for a temp job for a couple of months. Solved the problem of dealing with my mother and with getting a job at the same time. Met a lot of good people here, a good environment if ever I've seen one.
Also, as a possible pertinent reference, I've been almost strangled to death by a peer in elementary school, and while not abusive, my mother did have a tendency to slap me a few more times than I cared for. Now that all of that's laid out, let's see if I can explain my thoughts and feelings.
Personally, I've never cared for humans. Physically, that is. Maybe it was the strangling, maybe it was the constant picking on at school. Due to a skewered sense of timing, I was trying to figure out a coping mechanism, which turned out to be transformation, as I was beginning to sexually develop. In this case, it happened to be pig transformation, putting down others. For a number of years, I used this as a means to cope. I went through a number of psychologists, competent and not, willing and not. I went through it at my own paces, and took time to figure out what was going on.
Personally, I look at humans, and I think of that line from "Hellboy 2": "But man had been created with a hole in his heart, a hole that no possession, power, or knowledge could fill." Nowadays, you can't help but look at humans, and see...a hollowness. Some dying, some dead inside. Sad, but true. People grow up, feeling as the older they get, the more dead they feel inside. Sometimes, people look for that "liveliness" again, that energy, that "love", in younger ones. I'll be honest. I did my stint in pedophilia. Came, and went. I thought about it, and I thought, "What could I do, that wouldn't make him feel horrible, now or later? What better love could I show him, than simply hugging him, and being there for him?"
From there, before and after, there was my Mate. She was married to a jobless, abusive drunk, was a drug addict, and had recently lost her child between that and some other details going on. At the time, I had randomly met her on a local message board. F2F for those familiar with it. Over time, I had given her gentle love, attention, and a shoulder to cry on, when she needed it. For those curious, we did, and still do, live on opposite sides of the nation. There were several attempts to get us together, but for one reason or another, they didn't work out. Eventually, she managed to clean up, get out, divorce the abuser, and get a place to live. Personally, even now, I think the main reason I did it was a sense of altruism. Not that I wanted anything in particular...I just wanted to help.
Granted, in the 5+ years, we had our roller-coaster times, positive and negative. During one of the "down" times, I attempted to have sex with a male. If I were to be perfectly honest, it was a disappointment. I mean, I masturbated, visualized my own thoughts, imagined how it would feel, where to touch, what to do, and all that good stuff...and I couldn't help but feel disappointed.
I mean yes, I felt physical stimulation, but I had about as much regard for it as I do tickling. Eventually, it got to the point where I had to force myself to cum, and yet, it was still so..."blah". While the guy wasn't offended, things did pretty much peter out after that.
So there was another rollercoaster, and next it was my female friend. She was a co-worker, an older person, very amicable, very passionate in her actions and words. So we did the "happy dance", as she called it, and as I did what I did, I couldn't help but think, "Is that it?"
I mean here I was, in the best years of my life, trying to experience something that some people spend all their free time on. And yet I couldn't help but feel disappointed. I mean, I've had more arousing sessions of masturbation, frankly. The point of this, if any, is that sex isn't everything it's cracked up to be.
Now, to move from the physical, to the mental.
Like I said, I'm fairly altruistic. Give me problems, and I'll give you a shoulder to cry on, as long as you need it. Note the word "need". I'll be gentle, but firm, and at the same time help point you in the right direction.
To me, the best relationships take work. I'm not talking about changing a person. If your relationship is based on changing him, why are you with him in the first place? No, I work with people to help work on the things that drag them down. The things they know need working on. More often than not, love happes as a matter of course.
It boils down to the fact that, in this day and age, people are afraid to love, afraid to express themselves. People...fear hurt, in the purest sense. Sometimes it's your father, sometimes it's your nine-month-old niece. People often come across a sense of "what's the point? It's just going to hurt later."
At the same time, mankind feels so very, very lonely. In this electronic day and age, people lack that sense of feeling, of touch, and missing so much. Humans are very social, very physical. Intimate, without necessarily being sexual. Even those lecherous perverts, arms a-grabbin', aim for one thing: to touch. To fondle. To answer a quiet call to years long ago, when they fed on their mother's milk. Or didn't, as the case may be. So to take time, to snuggle, for no other reason than simply being close with one you care about, protector or protected, means so much.
Another thing to think about, though on a slightly different note: Why do people have sex, outside of physical pleasure? To procreate. I am willing to bet, nine times out of ten, the people who have no real interest in sex...
...Are the ones that truly believe there are too many humans on this planet.
Now, all of this being said, I am still quite..."promiscuous". Virtually, not physically. I've thought it over, and I've thought about the whole notion of "pity f!@$" and all that, and that simply doesn't ring true with me. I am a dominant, one who seeks utter control, to give the person I am with the most massive pleasure they have ever experienced, to the point that their very mind seems to orgasm from such mental, if not physical stimulation. I've worked with hypnosis, with varying degrees of success, more successful than otherwise. It allows me a good degree of control, and to a degree, that sense of touch. I take utter control of them, often to understand what they enjoy most, and help them experience it. Amusingly enough, most of the people that experience this are or tend to be very submissive, and get frustrated by my lack of self-pleasure. If I were to be perfectly honest, I don't know what my sense of self pleasure...is. My interests are transformation, dominance/control, and helping others. That's...about it.
Now, I'm not saying any of these are your reasons specifically, or anyone else's. These are simply my blatherings on the subject. I'm willing to bet there are a couple of gems of truth for everyone here. But then again, who knows?
By all means, let me know what you think. I'd love to hear peoples' thoughts on it.
This is Xel, over and out.
TLDR: Everyone has their reason for a lack of interest in sex. Me, I'm there to see life and love for what it is, not what speed I can pump seed into some random orifice.
2_gryphon made, found here. Thought I'd be nice and not try and cram all of this mostly-about-myself post into 2's.All right. Finally back. Let's see if I can properly express myself.
First, a little background exposition. I am a 24 year old, male wolf (debate semantics later). I've had my share of plusses and minuses as far as life experience goes. I am dominant bisexual. I am altruistic, no matter what I say, and I do love snuggling with the ones I love. I've been in two sexual relationships, one male, one female. Online-wise, I have one "pup", one "Mate", and one person I don't quite know how to react to yet. Rocky ground, all of it (Again, debate later). I've known my Mate for about 5 years, my pup for about 2-3, and the last one for not quite a year. I lived in my mother's house until about 3-4 years ago, got out, met the male of the two, had a relationship. Got a job, met the female of the two, had a relationship. Lost the job, lost the house, forced to live with my mother until this last week. Managed to move out to a nearby resort thing for a temp job for a couple of months. Solved the problem of dealing with my mother and with getting a job at the same time. Met a lot of good people here, a good environment if ever I've seen one.
Also, as a possible pertinent reference, I've been almost strangled to death by a peer in elementary school, and while not abusive, my mother did have a tendency to slap me a few more times than I cared for. Now that all of that's laid out, let's see if I can explain my thoughts and feelings.
Personally, I've never cared for humans. Physically, that is. Maybe it was the strangling, maybe it was the constant picking on at school. Due to a skewered sense of timing, I was trying to figure out a coping mechanism, which turned out to be transformation, as I was beginning to sexually develop. In this case, it happened to be pig transformation, putting down others. For a number of years, I used this as a means to cope. I went through a number of psychologists, competent and not, willing and not. I went through it at my own paces, and took time to figure out what was going on.
Personally, I look at humans, and I think of that line from "Hellboy 2": "But man had been created with a hole in his heart, a hole that no possession, power, or knowledge could fill." Nowadays, you can't help but look at humans, and see...a hollowness. Some dying, some dead inside. Sad, but true. People grow up, feeling as the older they get, the more dead they feel inside. Sometimes, people look for that "liveliness" again, that energy, that "love", in younger ones. I'll be honest. I did my stint in pedophilia. Came, and went. I thought about it, and I thought, "What could I do, that wouldn't make him feel horrible, now or later? What better love could I show him, than simply hugging him, and being there for him?"
From there, before and after, there was my Mate. She was married to a jobless, abusive drunk, was a drug addict, and had recently lost her child between that and some other details going on. At the time, I had randomly met her on a local message board. F2F for those familiar with it. Over time, I had given her gentle love, attention, and a shoulder to cry on, when she needed it. For those curious, we did, and still do, live on opposite sides of the nation. There were several attempts to get us together, but for one reason or another, they didn't work out. Eventually, she managed to clean up, get out, divorce the abuser, and get a place to live. Personally, even now, I think the main reason I did it was a sense of altruism. Not that I wanted anything in particular...I just wanted to help.
Granted, in the 5+ years, we had our roller-coaster times, positive and negative. During one of the "down" times, I attempted to have sex with a male. If I were to be perfectly honest, it was a disappointment. I mean, I masturbated, visualized my own thoughts, imagined how it would feel, where to touch, what to do, and all that good stuff...and I couldn't help but feel disappointed.
I mean yes, I felt physical stimulation, but I had about as much regard for it as I do tickling. Eventually, it got to the point where I had to force myself to cum, and yet, it was still so..."blah". While the guy wasn't offended, things did pretty much peter out after that.
So there was another rollercoaster, and next it was my female friend. She was a co-worker, an older person, very amicable, very passionate in her actions and words. So we did the "happy dance", as she called it, and as I did what I did, I couldn't help but think, "Is that it?"
I mean here I was, in the best years of my life, trying to experience something that some people spend all their free time on. And yet I couldn't help but feel disappointed. I mean, I've had more arousing sessions of masturbation, frankly. The point of this, if any, is that sex isn't everything it's cracked up to be.
Now, to move from the physical, to the mental.
Like I said, I'm fairly altruistic. Give me problems, and I'll give you a shoulder to cry on, as long as you need it. Note the word "need". I'll be gentle, but firm, and at the same time help point you in the right direction.
To me, the best relationships take work. I'm not talking about changing a person. If your relationship is based on changing him, why are you with him in the first place? No, I work with people to help work on the things that drag them down. The things they know need working on. More often than not, love happes as a matter of course.
It boils down to the fact that, in this day and age, people are afraid to love, afraid to express themselves. People...fear hurt, in the purest sense. Sometimes it's your father, sometimes it's your nine-month-old niece. People often come across a sense of "what's the point? It's just going to hurt later."
At the same time, mankind feels so very, very lonely. In this electronic day and age, people lack that sense of feeling, of touch, and missing so much. Humans are very social, very physical. Intimate, without necessarily being sexual. Even those lecherous perverts, arms a-grabbin', aim for one thing: to touch. To fondle. To answer a quiet call to years long ago, when they fed on their mother's milk. Or didn't, as the case may be. So to take time, to snuggle, for no other reason than simply being close with one you care about, protector or protected, means so much.
Another thing to think about, though on a slightly different note: Why do people have sex, outside of physical pleasure? To procreate. I am willing to bet, nine times out of ten, the people who have no real interest in sex...
...Are the ones that truly believe there are too many humans on this planet.
Now, all of this being said, I am still quite..."promiscuous". Virtually, not physically. I've thought it over, and I've thought about the whole notion of "pity f!@$" and all that, and that simply doesn't ring true with me. I am a dominant, one who seeks utter control, to give the person I am with the most massive pleasure they have ever experienced, to the point that their very mind seems to orgasm from such mental, if not physical stimulation. I've worked with hypnosis, with varying degrees of success, more successful than otherwise. It allows me a good degree of control, and to a degree, that sense of touch. I take utter control of them, often to understand what they enjoy most, and help them experience it. Amusingly enough, most of the people that experience this are or tend to be very submissive, and get frustrated by my lack of self-pleasure. If I were to be perfectly honest, I don't know what my sense of self pleasure...is. My interests are transformation, dominance/control, and helping others. That's...about it.
Now, I'm not saying any of these are your reasons specifically, or anyone else's. These are simply my blatherings on the subject. I'm willing to bet there are a couple of gems of truth for everyone here. But then again, who knows?
By all means, let me know what you think. I'd love to hear peoples' thoughts on it.
This is Xel, over and out.
TLDR: Everyone has their reason for a lack of interest in sex. Me, I'm there to see life and love for what it is, not what speed I can pump seed into some random orifice.
