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Driving.
15 years ago
My mom has been making a big deal about me learning to drive.
Since I was 16 I have been expected to be really excited about learning to drive. I never really have been. Call it immaturity or maturity or whatever. Make judgments on me, maybe they're true, maybe they aren't. I recognized that cars were really expensive, that insurance is really expensive, that I'd have to go to work and end up keeping less money just to support a vehicle if I had my own car, and even if I didn't, that I'd have to pay the difference in my mom's premium.
My mom keeps trying to tempt me with all the wonderful things I could do with a car. She's been doing this a lot, year after year, usually during the summer, thinking my brain will change and I won't be able to learn it properly, ignoring the fact that my definite strong suit is learning how to do stuff, even my desired career path is in learning how to do stuff (research science).
But, this year is different.
This year I actually have emotions attached to driving. But it's not a desire for freedom, that's why I want to get/fix up a bicycle.
It's shame.
For those of you (if anyone besides people who I could have told this privately even exist) who know my mate, she's been having a lot of health difficulties lately. I'll leave it to her and her journal to expound on those. I have been trying very hard to be helpful. How helpful I've actually been, I'll leave for her to judge. But if there's one thing that sticks out in my head, it's how I could have helped, but didn't.
Simply, I could have helped by being able to drive.
I don't know how much of a difference it would have made. It's not like her health problems were caught late because of me. They were caught early, and the prognosis is good for what it is. But there's one possibility in my mind, not so much in terms of health but in terms of something that might have happened had this been done earlier, that might not happen now.
Quite likely, I am taking too much on my heart. From a detached, outside point of view, it seems like it. I have a bad habit of blaming myself.
But it feels wrong to my heart, and it feels even more wrong that I haven't taken steps to rectify this earlier in the summer.
So yes, now I'm driven to learn to drive, mom, but it's not to go hang out late nights with friends. It's to drive my mate to the hospital or doctor if she needs it. It's not about freedom or mobility, because I don't feel I even stand to gain either. It's about being helpful and loyal and getting the best for my friends.
I am sorry for my failings, and hope you will forgive me.
Since I was 16 I have been expected to be really excited about learning to drive. I never really have been. Call it immaturity or maturity or whatever. Make judgments on me, maybe they're true, maybe they aren't. I recognized that cars were really expensive, that insurance is really expensive, that I'd have to go to work and end up keeping less money just to support a vehicle if I had my own car, and even if I didn't, that I'd have to pay the difference in my mom's premium.
My mom keeps trying to tempt me with all the wonderful things I could do with a car. She's been doing this a lot, year after year, usually during the summer, thinking my brain will change and I won't be able to learn it properly, ignoring the fact that my definite strong suit is learning how to do stuff, even my desired career path is in learning how to do stuff (research science).
But, this year is different.
This year I actually have emotions attached to driving. But it's not a desire for freedom, that's why I want to get/fix up a bicycle.
It's shame.
For those of you (if anyone besides people who I could have told this privately even exist) who know my mate, she's been having a lot of health difficulties lately. I'll leave it to her and her journal to expound on those. I have been trying very hard to be helpful. How helpful I've actually been, I'll leave for her to judge. But if there's one thing that sticks out in my head, it's how I could have helped, but didn't.
Simply, I could have helped by being able to drive.
I don't know how much of a difference it would have made. It's not like her health problems were caught late because of me. They were caught early, and the prognosis is good for what it is. But there's one possibility in my mind, not so much in terms of health but in terms of something that might have happened had this been done earlier, that might not happen now.
Quite likely, I am taking too much on my heart. From a detached, outside point of view, it seems like it. I have a bad habit of blaming myself.
But it feels wrong to my heart, and it feels even more wrong that I haven't taken steps to rectify this earlier in the summer.
So yes, now I'm driven to learn to drive, mom, but it's not to go hang out late nights with friends. It's to drive my mate to the hospital or doctor if she needs it. It's not about freedom or mobility, because I don't feel I even stand to gain either. It's about being helpful and loyal and getting the best for my friends.
I am sorry for my failings, and hope you will forgive me.
AuraTheWolf
~aurathewolf
You haven't failed at anything. I find that very sweet. I think it'd be good if you learned to drive, even if you don't have your own car, because it'd make things a lot easier for you. I hope that when you do go to learn that you do well! It's scary at first but you get used to it.
