Well, this weekend I went to the movies again.

TWICE!

I'm going to blame HorrorEtc for that - go pay them a visit at www.horroretc.com to heap shame and praise upon them for all they have done.

Now, what would drag me out to the theatre again, a mere TWO MONTHS after I went out to see Splice in mid/late June?

Well, that would be The Last Exorcism.

What would drag me out again, a mere TWO DAYS after that?

That would be Piranha 3D.

One of these films was great! The other... was Piranha 3D.

Y'see, I generally *really* like two types of film. I like well-acted horror movies that build tension and keep you wondering what's going to end up happening. And I like stupid, goofy films that you have to see to disbelieve. Don't believe me? Paranormal Activity was the first film I saw in theatres that ended a decade-long drought (I've raved about it before), and I publicly admit to LIKING Street Fighter: The Movie.

And not just for Raul Julia's final performance, either (I also liked Zangief.)

Now, based on this, one might think that I had a pair of winners going here. Last Exorcism was indeed well-acted, well-written, built tension, and kept me wondering what's going to end up happening (for reference - the entire movie looks like it's about to have a powerful, yet happy ending. Then they talk to the kid at the diner....)

The Last Exorcism is a film about an evangelical preacher helping film an expose of exorcism. He doesn't want any more exorcists wrapping paper bags around the heads of their patients - he believes it does have legitimate therapeutic value, but the people who'll kill the subject to "save their soul" terrify and sicken him, so he's planning to blow the whole powder keg. The problem is, he's got a real hard-core True Believer for this last exorcism, and when things don't go well, shotguns start getting waved around. If you're not up for scary movies? Try this one, and walk out before they go to talk to Logan at the diner.

Or stick around, and see why I had a grin plastered across my face until the credits were over and the ushers were poking me with brooms and irritable expressions.

As for Piranha 3D, it sounds like it ought to be a stupid, goofy film that you have to see to disbelieve. And, indeed, it was stupid and goofy. The problem was, it was more stupid than goofy (and I think I've got mild eye strain from the totally unnecessary 3D glasses).

Here, your plot is that an earthquake (apparently caused by a bottle of beer - not joking) opens up an underwater lake that contains a huge school of prehistoric piranhas, during spring break. Piranha who, I swear, caused a whirlpool to suck Richard Dreyfuss down to be eaten.

The frolickers and soft-core pornstars at the lake proceed to be menaced (and eaten) by evil fish, until somebody blows them up. Soft-core porn director gets hisself et multiple times, setting up one of the most unnecessary gags in the film, and the day is saved.

OR IS IT?!?

Actually, no, it isn't - because they've already announced Pirahna 3D 2 to come out in 2012.

This one, I walked out of as soon as the credits started up, and not *just* because my brother was feeling mildly nauseous at the gore. I wasn't bothered too much by it, but gore doesn't bother me, as I've said many a time before.

The problem was, it really was a film that could have been goofy fun (and has been for many people, to judge by what I've heard about it). But for me, it was just... eh. The violence was extreme, but that doesn't do too much for me, and there were too many "goddamn dumb" bits for me to even start counting... but allow me to cite one in particular.

EXTENSION CORDS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!!!

This movie was an exercise in juvenile stupidity, nudity, gore, and missed opportunities. The problem is that it was aimed not only at frat boys, but the ones who were actively *using* the beer bongs, the nudity wasn't particularly sexy (Riley Steele, Kelly Brooke, don't take offense - I'm sure you're perfectly lovely ladies in person, but this movie did *not* make me want to find out), the gore was too realistic for the rest of the tone of the movie, and the missed opportunities were totally missed.

For example: You have Eli Roth in a movie about killer pirahna. He's a character who was Born To Die (rather like Jerry O'Connell, who not only got et, but got et TWICE). He's standing on a floating platform that's slowly being driven down into the lake by the frantic and panicked swimmers climbing onto it. You've established that the pirahna can jump short distances out of the water.

And you do NOT have him die by having a pair of pirahna leap out of the water, latching onto his Achille's tendons and severing them, sending him falling helplessly into the lake?!? What sort of referential horror movie are you, Piranha3D?!?

As far as this movie goes, if you do see it, do it for one of two reasons. Do it because you're fond of watching Hollywood desperately try to make fun of soft core porn that's actually marginally more competent than most mainstream music videos, or do it because you want to see Ving Rhames brandishing a motherfu@#ing outboard motor like a chainsaw. That was the one truly awesome moment in this film, in my opinion, and Ving, I salute you.

So, in summary? Go watch Last Exorcism. Go watch it now. If another showing had been going, I'd have taken my brother, snuck out of Pirahna, and gone over to catch that - and I only watched it 2 days ago. When it comes out on DVD, buy it, because it's not the sort of film that relies on special effects to make worthwhile. As a matter of fact, it would've almost been a blast to not hear about it as a film until it was run *as* a documentary of some sort - I'd have loved to see this given the Blair Witch treatment that way. And prove to Hollywood that we are willing to watch smart, well-written films.

Otherwise, next year, we're just going to get Saw 8 - Revenge of the Jigsaw. And nobody wants to watch the Jigsaw Killer being defeated by Ewoks.