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In sickness and in health..
15 years ago
General
If you're gonna bother reading, please reach the end. My conclusion is a lot happier than most of this. Just...
This past week and some I've been suffering through one of the worst flareups from my, ugh..condition? I'm not even sure what to call it anymore. I'm sick, I hate it. I hate it. I. Hate. It.
This..broken...tic..I just want to keep going forever. I can't put the pain I was feeling into strong enough words to accurately describe it.
I can try..
It was blinding. All-consuming. I felt I was being shredded alive from the inside out, like a chest-burster that couldn't get through the ribs and just started thrashing about in there. It was day in, it was day out. Pain. Pain, and burning and clawing and gnawing and pulsing and IT DOESN'T FUCKING STOP IT DOESN'T STOP AAAAAAAAAAARRGHGJHDSSDSDNNN... And just..after a week or so, I'm just such a mess of a man.. I'm reduced to this starving, vomiting, writhing, absolutely fucking crippled heap wondering why I don't just fucking die already. It seems almost unnatural to survive this pain, it's so bad.. I puke up blood all the time. I oftentimes can't take more than half a breath because my muscles are so tightly clenched.
And I try, so, hard.. I try so hard.. Oh my god I try so, so hard.. I bike to work and I work until they send me home cause I'm a puking and then I miss work but force myself to keep going back when I'm not sleeping and that just makes it worse and, ugh.. AUGH! I survived my last shift, but oh my god just barely.. I did such a subpar job, and I was trying so hard.. I all but broke down in front of my coworker who, after the manager stepped into the other room, asked me for serious if I was ok and I just said one word and it all spilled out..
I'm so scared. It's expensive to get sick and I'm already losing work to this. I could lose my job. Then my home. And why? Why? Because my body doesn't know how to not eat itself once every few weeks. I feel this sickness is taking everything from me and I just don't know if I have what it takes to keep going. I don't know when that next time I puke is the straw that broke the camel's back and I finally find myself labeled as officially 'defective' and destined for the scrap heap or permanent hospital bed.
I get so, so dark in the midst of these throes. I make sounds that would invoke mercy-killing upon a lesser creature. I get so dark..
And then...I hit now.
I'm not in pain. For the first time in over a week, I'm fine.. And I hit this point. I generally coast into it, healing slowly, feeling a little better for a day or two and then just...notice.
And oh.. Oh. Oh.. I sit here and..I can only weep tears of joy.. It's like..waking from a nightmare. No, the real world isn't all that bad, shh.. That's not real, you're safe..
I'm so, fucking, happy, to just sit, and breathe, and relish each passing breath. I can't believe what a gift this feels like. Every time.. Food tastes livelier and colors seem brighter and I'm suddenly filled with all that energy that had been shoved to the side and piling up while I lay bedridden for so long.
I'm so grateful to be alive. I'm so happy to be alive. I was feeling well for the first time in so long so GOD FUKIT if it's 3 in the morning I'm going to spend over an hour outside rollerblading shirtless in the cold just because I feel so alive and IT FEELS SO GOOD....
I guess my conclusion is that this illness, or whatever it is, is real fucking scary.. I really, really need to find out what's wrong with me. But regardless, and no matter how distant or whiny or dark I get in my worst of times, I don't want to be 'that sick guy' at my best of times. I'm still happy. I still want to have fun and hell, I'm still gonna have fun.. When I'm not in pain I just feel like cheering to everyone around me. 'Hey! Isn't it AWESOME when things don't hurt?! Everything is so much -better- than it could be! And, oh man, that's great. Have a nice day.'
I come out of these episodes praising life and limb just as strongly as I curse the foul gods of torment slapping my tangled puppet strings, just to giggle when I jerk.
I only wish I could have just as easily found such appreciation for life without these ongoing lows. Just..from someone who's suffered enough to really see, please..
Celebrate your health.
This past week and some I've been suffering through one of the worst flareups from my, ugh..condition? I'm not even sure what to call it anymore. I'm sick, I hate it. I hate it. I. Hate. It.
This..broken...tic..I just want to keep going forever. I can't put the pain I was feeling into strong enough words to accurately describe it.
I can try..
It was blinding. All-consuming. I felt I was being shredded alive from the inside out, like a chest-burster that couldn't get through the ribs and just started thrashing about in there. It was day in, it was day out. Pain. Pain, and burning and clawing and gnawing and pulsing and IT DOESN'T FUCKING STOP IT DOESN'T STOP AAAAAAAAAAARRGHGJHDSSDSDNNN... And just..after a week or so, I'm just such a mess of a man.. I'm reduced to this starving, vomiting, writhing, absolutely fucking crippled heap wondering why I don't just fucking die already. It seems almost unnatural to survive this pain, it's so bad.. I puke up blood all the time. I oftentimes can't take more than half a breath because my muscles are so tightly clenched.
And I try, so, hard.. I try so hard.. Oh my god I try so, so hard.. I bike to work and I work until they send me home cause I'm a puking and then I miss work but force myself to keep going back when I'm not sleeping and that just makes it worse and, ugh.. AUGH! I survived my last shift, but oh my god just barely.. I did such a subpar job, and I was trying so hard.. I all but broke down in front of my coworker who, after the manager stepped into the other room, asked me for serious if I was ok and I just said one word and it all spilled out..
I'm so scared. It's expensive to get sick and I'm already losing work to this. I could lose my job. Then my home. And why? Why? Because my body doesn't know how to not eat itself once every few weeks. I feel this sickness is taking everything from me and I just don't know if I have what it takes to keep going. I don't know when that next time I puke is the straw that broke the camel's back and I finally find myself labeled as officially 'defective' and destined for the scrap heap or permanent hospital bed.
I get so, so dark in the midst of these throes. I make sounds that would invoke mercy-killing upon a lesser creature. I get so dark..
And then...I hit now.
I'm not in pain. For the first time in over a week, I'm fine.. And I hit this point. I generally coast into it, healing slowly, feeling a little better for a day or two and then just...notice.
And oh.. Oh. Oh.. I sit here and..I can only weep tears of joy.. It's like..waking from a nightmare. No, the real world isn't all that bad, shh.. That's not real, you're safe..
I'm so, fucking, happy, to just sit, and breathe, and relish each passing breath. I can't believe what a gift this feels like. Every time.. Food tastes livelier and colors seem brighter and I'm suddenly filled with all that energy that had been shoved to the side and piling up while I lay bedridden for so long.
I'm so grateful to be alive. I'm so happy to be alive. I was feeling well for the first time in so long so GOD FUKIT if it's 3 in the morning I'm going to spend over an hour outside rollerblading shirtless in the cold just because I feel so alive and IT FEELS SO GOOD....
I guess my conclusion is that this illness, or whatever it is, is real fucking scary.. I really, really need to find out what's wrong with me. But regardless, and no matter how distant or whiny or dark I get in my worst of times, I don't want to be 'that sick guy' at my best of times. I'm still happy. I still want to have fun and hell, I'm still gonna have fun.. When I'm not in pain I just feel like cheering to everyone around me. 'Hey! Isn't it AWESOME when things don't hurt?! Everything is so much -better- than it could be! And, oh man, that's great. Have a nice day.'
I come out of these episodes praising life and limb just as strongly as I curse the foul gods of torment slapping my tangled puppet strings, just to giggle when I jerk.
I only wish I could have just as easily found such appreciation for life without these ongoing lows. Just..from someone who's suffered enough to really see, please..
Celebrate your health.
I've seen a lot of doctors. I've gone through a lot of tests. I've taken a lot of medicine.
I've been given back a bunch of 'fuck if we know.'
But, hey...happy when you're not hurting, right? Today's a good day..~
Never really hear about people I know without health problems, and that certainly sounds worse than anything I've ever faced in my life.
I can't imagine the horror of a future where I look back and realize that I spent my youth, the prime of my life, sitting around and eating too much and all I have to show for my brief flash of a chance to explore the world and express myself is a bunch of wasted time and a notch in the statistics on obesity.
As for pain, it happens.. I don't try to draw attention to it, really.. I just get real tired of explaining to people and -especially- hate it when people get bitchy at me for not being prompt to respond online or if I'm real quiet or not around for awhile or just don't want to go anywhere or do anything.
Makes my problems seem rather small.
Seems like you are looking at the side of feeling good when you are. And, that's a great mindset to take on...
We'll fight through this, no matter how hard it takes. This seems pretty hardcore. =/