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... and apparently this is still on.
15 years ago
I suppose I should use this journal feature more often, along with the usual place where I post my journals... and has it been over half a month already since my last post? Times does fly past very, very quickly it seems.
Once again, thank you for all the new watchers and new fav's since. I am quite surprised that somehow, with over 4 months of stagnation (I think that's the last time I actually uploaded something), people still stumble in here... I thank you all very much.
Life has been more or less stagnant for me as well, and that would be putting it very mildly. Still have chronic insomnia, and as of late recurring "bad" dreams. Not nightmares, more my mind playing... tricks with me and letting me know how unhappy I really am with past and current events.
Of the very few social interactions that I am having, be it "In Real Life" or the very rare, occational message online, the usual "how are you doing?" is usually the opening line... with which I usually, typically reply back "so-so" or "alright". I mean, surely "how are you doing?" is now one of those rhetorical questions with a bog-standard reply. Because, do I really want to say "no, really, I am not alright, I am utterly miserable"?
I suppose at the end of the day, like everyone else I just want to... "fit-in" or that sense of belonging somewhere. I have actually forced myself to go out and try to "socialize and hang out with people" as of late, in fact, just tonight I went to one of the bigger gathering/party locally. But, after 2 hours there, my brain was just yelling out "get the heck out of there". I simply didn't feel I belong there, and just couldn't bare to stand seeing... certain someone with someone there.
"Friends". I wonder more and more about what it means... I am sick of the "occational, conveninent for me" friendship. I suppose I have been distancing myself from a few who might genuinely be caring, however their actions says otherwise, at least to my... "weird and impossible standards". And as I have already said last time, you CAN choose to do something about it, but we are all too afraid to offend or hurt others because it might be an unpopular choice, and certainly, I think some of the choices I have been making are hurting others, but most importantly hurting myself too.
I thought I have always been a nice person, who would absolutely give my all and my best to the person/people who I cared about. Unfortunately, it seems that nice people just get used and gets nowhere... but I digress...
On a completely different (and less, depressing) note, I suppose there are still a lot things, "Furry"/costume wise that I want to get/achieve. Alas, it seems like such, a distant dream now. I know, if you put your mind to it and try to achieve it, then you will eventually get to it right? But right now, it's simply out of my reach (due to financial and maybe logistical reasons)... anyways, I thought I should actually see how "un-reachable" they are by listing them out:
- Rubber/Latex Zebra full suit - I always have a thing for stripes and one of the earliest "fur"suit that caught my eye was this guy in a full-on spandex zebra suit... add to that the whole "transformation" aspect and so, rubber/latex it is. Full prosthetic mask/face and hooves too on the feet. Knowing the limited amount of people/places that can satisfactorily complete such a commission, I'd be looking at saving at least close to NZ$10000 for one... and in the realms of "RL" this becomes a low priority.
- Rubber/Latex Snow-Leopardess full suit - yes, a female suit, because let's face it, females get that much more attention, and I really want to see if I can pull it off.
- More full-on body-painting, again, a full-body Zebra with the "bells and whistles", and a properly done Snow-Leopard too. Then again, this involves someone else able to do the painting on me so, might be really, really hard to achieve.
I would also like to be able to make FC'2011... or just another long holiday again, and I am working hard to try to make that happen, however, my debt reduction isn't going anywhere and I really should clear all the existing debt first before getting myself deeper in that hole... because I should be responsible, right?
Until next time...
Once again, thank you for all the new watchers and new fav's since. I am quite surprised that somehow, with over 4 months of stagnation (I think that's the last time I actually uploaded something), people still stumble in here... I thank you all very much.
Life has been more or less stagnant for me as well, and that would be putting it very mildly. Still have chronic insomnia, and as of late recurring "bad" dreams. Not nightmares, more my mind playing... tricks with me and letting me know how unhappy I really am with past and current events.
Of the very few social interactions that I am having, be it "In Real Life" or the very rare, occational message online, the usual "how are you doing?" is usually the opening line... with which I usually, typically reply back "so-so" or "alright". I mean, surely "how are you doing?" is now one of those rhetorical questions with a bog-standard reply. Because, do I really want to say "no, really, I am not alright, I am utterly miserable"?
I suppose at the end of the day, like everyone else I just want to... "fit-in" or that sense of belonging somewhere. I have actually forced myself to go out and try to "socialize and hang out with people" as of late, in fact, just tonight I went to one of the bigger gathering/party locally. But, after 2 hours there, my brain was just yelling out "get the heck out of there". I simply didn't feel I belong there, and just couldn't bare to stand seeing... certain someone with someone there.
"Friends". I wonder more and more about what it means... I am sick of the "occational, conveninent for me" friendship. I suppose I have been distancing myself from a few who might genuinely be caring, however their actions says otherwise, at least to my... "weird and impossible standards". And as I have already said last time, you CAN choose to do something about it, but we are all too afraid to offend or hurt others because it might be an unpopular choice, and certainly, I think some of the choices I have been making are hurting others, but most importantly hurting myself too.
I thought I have always been a nice person, who would absolutely give my all and my best to the person/people who I cared about. Unfortunately, it seems that nice people just get used and gets nowhere... but I digress...
On a completely different (and less, depressing) note, I suppose there are still a lot things, "Furry"/costume wise that I want to get/achieve. Alas, it seems like such, a distant dream now. I know, if you put your mind to it and try to achieve it, then you will eventually get to it right? But right now, it's simply out of my reach (due to financial and maybe logistical reasons)... anyways, I thought I should actually see how "un-reachable" they are by listing them out:
- Rubber/Latex Zebra full suit - I always have a thing for stripes and one of the earliest "fur"suit that caught my eye was this guy in a full-on spandex zebra suit... add to that the whole "transformation" aspect and so, rubber/latex it is. Full prosthetic mask/face and hooves too on the feet. Knowing the limited amount of people/places that can satisfactorily complete such a commission, I'd be looking at saving at least close to NZ$10000 for one... and in the realms of "RL" this becomes a low priority.
- Rubber/Latex Snow-Leopardess full suit - yes, a female suit, because let's face it, females get that much more attention, and I really want to see if I can pull it off.
- More full-on body-painting, again, a full-body Zebra with the "bells and whistles", and a properly done Snow-Leopard too. Then again, this involves someone else able to do the painting on me so, might be really, really hard to achieve.
I would also like to be able to make FC'2011... or just another long holiday again, and I am working hard to try to make that happen, however, my debt reduction isn't going anywhere and I really should clear all the existing debt first before getting myself deeper in that hole... because I should be responsible, right?
Until next time...
And I'm sure any advise I could give, even if I knew what the issue was, with that person you really cared about. You probably already know what I could say.
Never a truer phrase spoken sadly...
I'm often at the wrong end of that situation myself, I'm forever being nice and supportive to people only to be knocked back after they've "done with me"
I know I must seem like just another random name on the internet to you, but do feel free to contact me if you wish...you seem like a nice guy and if you wanna talk to someone new then just note me and I'll get back to you :) I know that sounds a bit stalkerish and creepy but eh, I'm spontaneous like that heh.
*hugs* hang in there tiggy :)