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The new 'Charlotte's Web'...
19 years ago
General
Exec. 1: "Okay, so Bob over in development says the remake of 'NIMH' has to go on the back burner for a while. It looks like we're gonna greenlight that other one, the one with the spider and the dog."
Exec. 2: "Pig. It's a pig, like that 'Babe' thing."
Exec. 1: "Uh-huh. That's good, kids always go nuts for that magic barnyard talking animal shit. Who have we got lined up to direct? We need somebody who can give us a kinda slick fairy-tale look but also deliver the hip, 'with-it' attitude that today's savvy youngsters demand."
Exec. 2: "All right, don't go all marketing department on me, I read the trades too."
Exec 1: "Sorry. Reflex."
Exec 2: "Anyway, I'm thinking Spielberg..."
Exec 1: "No dice. He wanted $230 million."
Exec. 2: "Damn. Okay, so there's Peter Jackson..."
Exec. 1: "Nope, we tried him, and he says talking pigs give him the horrors."
Exec. 2: "Michael Bay?"
Exec. 1: "Rehab."
Exec. 2: "Shit. Well, we'll find somebody, maybe that guy who did that Jen Garner flick a couple of years back. You know, the one with all the weenie and boobie jokes."
Exec. 1: "Perfect. So, this'll be all CG, right? Kids eat that CG crap with a spoon."
Exec. 2: "Well, half-CG, half live action. You know, like 'Babe'. Plus we'll keep the budget down."
Exec. 1: "Yeah? So who'll we cast? Can we get Farmer Hoggett? I like Farmer Hoggett."
Exec. 2: "You mean James Cromwell, and no. We're saving all the big talent for the talking critters... except we'll get Dakota Fanning for the kid."
Exec. 1: "I thought she WAS CG..."
Exec. 2: "Tell me more about these talking critters. Can we have some penguins? Everybody's shitting themselves for penguins these days."
Exec. 1: "I don't think we can, no. See, it's set on a rural farm..."
Exec. 2: "Oh, great! Chickens, sheep... um... turtles... that kinda thing, right?"
Exec. 1: "Yeah, and cows. Lots of cows."
Exec. 2: "Cows, yes! Perfect. Cows fart."
Exec. 1: "And we've already lined up Steve Buscemi to play the rat, we got Oprah in there somewhere, John Cleese..."
Exec. 2: "How about the spider? I'm thinking hip, urban, someone who can cover the soundtrack. How about Raven?"
Exec. 1: "Rehab. Actually, we're going with Julia Roberts. You know, to bring in all the WASP-moms."
Exec. 2: "Meaning that Queen Latifah was booked, right?"
Exec. 1: *sigh* "Yeah."
Exec. 2: "Hey, I just had a great idea! Let's get McDonalds on the horn to do a sandwich tie-in. Get this... the 'Charlotte's Web All-Bacon Pork-B-Q Special'."
Exec. 1: "Fuckin' A! I'm lovin' it!"
Exec. 2: "Yeah, I love the smell of frying bacon."
Exec. 2: "Pig. It's a pig, like that 'Babe' thing."
Exec. 1: "Uh-huh. That's good, kids always go nuts for that magic barnyard talking animal shit. Who have we got lined up to direct? We need somebody who can give us a kinda slick fairy-tale look but also deliver the hip, 'with-it' attitude that today's savvy youngsters demand."
Exec. 2: "All right, don't go all marketing department on me, I read the trades too."
Exec 1: "Sorry. Reflex."
Exec 2: "Anyway, I'm thinking Spielberg..."
Exec 1: "No dice. He wanted $230 million."
Exec. 2: "Damn. Okay, so there's Peter Jackson..."
Exec. 1: "Nope, we tried him, and he says talking pigs give him the horrors."
Exec. 2: "Michael Bay?"
Exec. 1: "Rehab."
Exec. 2: "Shit. Well, we'll find somebody, maybe that guy who did that Jen Garner flick a couple of years back. You know, the one with all the weenie and boobie jokes."
Exec. 1: "Perfect. So, this'll be all CG, right? Kids eat that CG crap with a spoon."
Exec. 2: "Well, half-CG, half live action. You know, like 'Babe'. Plus we'll keep the budget down."
Exec. 1: "Yeah? So who'll we cast? Can we get Farmer Hoggett? I like Farmer Hoggett."
Exec. 2: "You mean James Cromwell, and no. We're saving all the big talent for the talking critters... except we'll get Dakota Fanning for the kid."
Exec. 1: "I thought she WAS CG..."
Exec. 2: "Tell me more about these talking critters. Can we have some penguins? Everybody's shitting themselves for penguins these days."
Exec. 1: "I don't think we can, no. See, it's set on a rural farm..."
Exec. 2: "Oh, great! Chickens, sheep... um... turtles... that kinda thing, right?"
Exec. 1: "Yeah, and cows. Lots of cows."
Exec. 2: "Cows, yes! Perfect. Cows fart."
Exec. 1: "And we've already lined up Steve Buscemi to play the rat, we got Oprah in there somewhere, John Cleese..."
Exec. 2: "How about the spider? I'm thinking hip, urban, someone who can cover the soundtrack. How about Raven?"
Exec. 1: "Rehab. Actually, we're going with Julia Roberts. You know, to bring in all the WASP-moms."
Exec. 2: "Meaning that Queen Latifah was booked, right?"
Exec. 1: *sigh* "Yeah."
Exec. 2: "Hey, I just had a great idea! Let's get McDonalds on the horn to do a sandwich tie-in. Get this... the 'Charlotte's Web All-Bacon Pork-B-Q Special'."
Exec. 1: "Fuckin' A! I'm lovin' it!"
Exec. 2: "Yeah, I love the smell of frying bacon."
For Hollywood to ever amount to anything again, all producers must spontaneously die. :P
Check out 'An Evening with Kevin Smith' if ya ever get the chance, his story about why his Superman movie didn't get made will make you want to kill things.
The Superman movie is a particularly sore point. I mean... story, casting, directing, ALL this crap that they just completely crap out on, but you'd think if they could get anything right, just ONE thing right at all, you would think that it would be the suit.
HOW do you manage to even get the damn suit to look like shit? By making it look like cheap rubber with waffle texture, and stamp a bazillion teensy tiny 'S's all over the red parts. oh, not even red but a sickly dried-blood color. I mean jesus, they couldn't even get the 'S' right.
Obviously I'm kinda big on Superman, so I'm a little bitter X3
Although I admit kinda wanting to see just a little of Steve Buscemi as Templeton.
Buscemi's probably well-cast as Templeton, though. :3