My christmas started of shitty. My mom went out for a couple drinks at a bar that was supposed to close at ten, she didn't get home til 5:30 in the morning. I dunno where she was all night, all she said is she needed so sober up, by then, my eight year old sis was up to, the cop my 16 year old sister called over at 4:30 had woken her up. Then we opened stuff since we were all up and tired and wanting to sleep til we had to leave for other places later, my sister, the 16yo was so ungrateful she made my mom cry, and everything I got from anyone besides my mom clothes wise were all the wrong sizes, I guess most of america is illiterate.

Okay, so I'm at my aunts now, it was mostly fun, got a glass of my favorite drink ever, rootbeer, and it was flat, no biggie, then the coke gave me a stomach ache, but nothing I don't deal with daily, I was having fun, but it didn't last long, same ungrateful sister got a tummy ache too, cause of her PMS, and such, and its all out of whack cause of her birth control...blah blah, so I had to leave too...it made me sad.

Then back home, she left soon as we got here, guess all she really wanted was to see her BF.Oh well, I got to call my best friend Nathan, and he was actually home and not busy! First time I'd talked to him since thursday night, and he was drunk then...I was worried bout him driving around, but he was fine. His cars dead now, so I don't get to see him as much from now on. Sadness. Well any way, he came over to give me my gifts...his mom is trying to spoil me I think, she got me more than he did, anyway, we were just sitting here in the dark, all alone talking and cuddlin, then he pulled me around in front of him, and started to undo my pants, which is odd, since usually its my horny-ness that gets things goin and such. Which I really wasn't today, he said he was, but I wasn't too sure, he said he wanted to, and I didn't really have any objections, I love him and yeah, we hadn't done anything for a while. Then he tells me Merry Christmas, and I asked him if he really wanted that, he just shrugged, and it made me cry...at least he was leaving then and didn't have to know I was crying...sometimes I wonder if he really knows how much I love him, I don't just want him around for sex, I'll give sex up for life just to be with him. Its so odd of me, I have a strong preference for girls, and yet, this guy gets all my tears shed for him, all my heart going to him, and he told me he'd wait for me to get out of my bad relationship...I'm not good at ending them, so it took about 6-7 months...I guess he got tired of waiting, he only wants to be friends...I think he's worried I don't really care....but I do! I love him more than anything...I wouldn't mind never being with another girl, I'd give up anything, even my artistic ability if he'd just be able to know how much he means to me, how much I care, I would love to marry him...yet I don't think that will happen, I've felt very distant from him lately, and I don't want to say anything, I don't want him to worry. I had also thought I had grown out of this damn angst and depression bullshit I so hate, yet I still can't stop crying over him...I feel so helpless...so hopeless...and I haven't felt this way since I was a new teen...and suicidal, someone admit me to a loony bin if ever I become that way again!