I just want to mark this time during my holidays, as it is a sort of a halfway spot through my vacation time. Those who care about me as a friend may read, the others may skip as it's some long sad ranting about my feelings in regards to my dying family.

I'm blessed to spend this time with my family as I did not even know if I would get to spend some good time with them anymore. My father and my mother are in a state where their health could drastically change from one day to another and a doc even feared my mother would not make it through summer.

Here I am and my mother is more energetic than she was when I left her last May, but doctors have decided to stop her therapy treatment.
Now, my father seems to be weakening and has also stopped his therapy.

Problem is I very well know their cancer is still here, yet, they don't seem to be aware that the therapy has been stopped because it was harming them too much and that it was better not to fight the cancer anymore at their stage... They are pretty old too, over 70.

I think it's a good thing they are not aware, because would they have had the same strength they had so far if they knew they were doomed anyway? Making projects to see each other next year is something that I think will give them more strength than anything could if they were aware of their real health status.

I'm enjoying this time then, though I can't help but feel, deep inside of me, that I might rather stay with them, give up on Canada, my work and my friends. I feel like I'd need to give my mother more support, especially when she feels sick and appears worried, wondering why she randomly feels like vomitting. I feel awful at leaving her in a week with such a big lie, but what can I do?

Besides, I may very well see her again next year as I believe she is strong, but I don't have much hope either. I will go back in Canada and pretend everything is alright, while being afraid of getting a call from France to give me some bad news...

I don't know why I'm confessing this, I guess I'm in need to release some of my frustration and anxiety.

I think I need some love from outside of my family, I need to be able to get detached from my relatives in France in order to enjoy the affection I'm being given from other people like my doggie (Delmir). So, to those who care enough to have read that far in my journal, please, give me some support.

Thanks in advance.