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Amelieoration, Validation and Direction
15 years ago
Serve those above you for they advance you. Serve those below you for they support you. Serve those beside you for they will catch you.
Have you noticed that when you're feeling down, that no one really makes you feel better? It seems that the common thing to do nowadays is "help you find yourself."
While there's a lot of validity to that and I feel that a lot of people don't do enough introspection, it's sometimes a real huge slap in the face. You're looking for some sympathy or help and all you get a rebuke. It may not seem that way at first, but when you really look down deep into it, it's just a twist of your problem or your issue into being entirely your fault.
You: "I feel like I suck."
Them: "Well you need to find who you are" (or "what's important to you." or "realign your priorities" or whatever. Ultimately, the translation is "Well, its your own damned fault.")
"Gee, thanks."
I don't blame the attempt to help; it's wrong to condemn good intentions. And, like I said, people don't always do enough soul-searching. But somewhere along the line "make sure it's not my problem" became synonymous with "helping someone feel better."
When trying to bolster someone's spirits, there are a few usual suspects on the list of rhetoric. (Yes, I'm just as guilty as anyone of using them.)
Often times, all people do is offer compliments that feel exaggerated or insincere (mostly because you feel like shit, but also partially because generic catch-all compliments don't mean anything).
Or they try and explain on how its your own fault or own weakness and how you should do some soul searching.
Or how it doesn't matter what other people think and therefore there really isn't a problem because its "them, not you" (usually in the same breath in which they're saying that if its "real enough to feel, then it's a real problem").
And all you really want is a little bit of encouragement ("Just do it." might work for Nike, but it's total bullshit. Period. It doesn't count).
Or someone to remind you why they talk with someone like you.
Or give you an idea of what you are or might be good at (cause when you're down, you DO forget).
Or tell you when you're overreacting or being irrational.
Or someone to talk to just to distract you from it for a little bit.
Or just a goddamned hug or some stupid pat on the shoulder saying "There, there."
Here's an insight:
Yes, I need to know all that stupid unspoken-but-implied bullshit.
I need to know WHAT you and others think of me (yes, even strangers sometimes).
I need to know HOW I'm any good and where my strengths are.
I need to know WHY and/or HOW I'm important to you.
I need to know WHAT makes me valuable.
I need to be INSPIRED, not fixed. I need direction with my problem. Suggestions help, but new approaches and points of view are usually better.
I need SPECIFICS. Sorry, but "You don't suck" may sound nice, but doesn't help all that much.
I need to KNOW when I'm being illogical, irrational, hysterical, or overreactory (Hint: try after I've calmed down a little bit)
I DO NOT need someone to give me a run-around. Life does that all by itself.
I DO NOT need pity.
I DO NOT need someone else to solve my problems. They are my problems, not yours, and being told what to do isn't always well-received.
I DO NOT need you to get angry on my behalf. I'm usually plenty frustrated for two people as it is and the last thing I need is more fuel for the fire.
I DO NOT need backhanded compliments. That little word "but..." should not be in any attempt to help someone feel better. Keep your suggestions, observations and nagging separate from your sympathies. Parents and in-laws can be notoriously guilty of this.
I've only come to this realization about myself as I was coming up to my birthday. Yes, it seems obvious, but no matter how much introspection is done, there will always be things hidden, and it's the obvious things we often fail to conceive.
This isn't to say that I don't appreciate every sincere offer of sympathy or assistance (and yes, they all help a little). But I what I really need that which very few people give:
Amelioration, Validation and Direction.
--PCA
While there's a lot of validity to that and I feel that a lot of people don't do enough introspection, it's sometimes a real huge slap in the face. You're looking for some sympathy or help and all you get a rebuke. It may not seem that way at first, but when you really look down deep into it, it's just a twist of your problem or your issue into being entirely your fault.
You: "I feel like I suck."
Them: "Well you need to find who you are" (or "what's important to you." or "realign your priorities" or whatever. Ultimately, the translation is "Well, its your own damned fault.")
"Gee, thanks."
I don't blame the attempt to help; it's wrong to condemn good intentions. And, like I said, people don't always do enough soul-searching. But somewhere along the line "make sure it's not my problem" became synonymous with "helping someone feel better."
When trying to bolster someone's spirits, there are a few usual suspects on the list of rhetoric. (Yes, I'm just as guilty as anyone of using them.)
Often times, all people do is offer compliments that feel exaggerated or insincere (mostly because you feel like shit, but also partially because generic catch-all compliments don't mean anything).
Or they try and explain on how its your own fault or own weakness and how you should do some soul searching.
Or how it doesn't matter what other people think and therefore there really isn't a problem because its "them, not you" (usually in the same breath in which they're saying that if its "real enough to feel, then it's a real problem").
And all you really want is a little bit of encouragement ("Just do it." might work for Nike, but it's total bullshit. Period. It doesn't count).
Or someone to remind you why they talk with someone like you.
Or give you an idea of what you are or might be good at (cause when you're down, you DO forget).
Or tell you when you're overreacting or being irrational.
Or someone to talk to just to distract you from it for a little bit.
Or just a goddamned hug or some stupid pat on the shoulder saying "There, there."
Here's an insight:
Yes, I need to know all that stupid unspoken-but-implied bullshit.
I need to know WHAT you and others think of me (yes, even strangers sometimes).
I need to know HOW I'm any good and where my strengths are.
I need to know WHY and/or HOW I'm important to you.
I need to know WHAT makes me valuable.
I need to be INSPIRED, not fixed. I need direction with my problem. Suggestions help, but new approaches and points of view are usually better.
I need SPECIFICS. Sorry, but "You don't suck" may sound nice, but doesn't help all that much.
I need to KNOW when I'm being illogical, irrational, hysterical, or overreactory (Hint: try after I've calmed down a little bit)
I DO NOT need someone to give me a run-around. Life does that all by itself.
I DO NOT need pity.
I DO NOT need someone else to solve my problems. They are my problems, not yours, and being told what to do isn't always well-received.
I DO NOT need you to get angry on my behalf. I'm usually plenty frustrated for two people as it is and the last thing I need is more fuel for the fire.
I DO NOT need backhanded compliments. That little word "but..." should not be in any attempt to help someone feel better. Keep your suggestions, observations and nagging separate from your sympathies. Parents and in-laws can be notoriously guilty of this.
I've only come to this realization about myself as I was coming up to my birthday. Yes, it seems obvious, but no matter how much introspection is done, there will always be things hidden, and it's the obvious things we often fail to conceive.
This isn't to say that I don't appreciate every sincere offer of sympathy or assistance (and yes, they all help a little). But I what I really need that which very few people give:
Amelioration, Validation and Direction.
--PCA
I may not have known you for very long, but everyone and I mean EVERYONE I know, regardless of how long, is someone I care about. I've tried to offer encouragement and support, I've tried to get you to look at the positives of yourself and think positively. But ultimately you didn't respond to it, and I felt like I was bothering you with it.
Everyone has the capability of optimism and pessimism, positive and negative feelings. But when one is feeling down, they don't see or feel the positive. On top of that, it feels as if their negative feelings are being invalidated by the fact that they feel OBLIGATED to be happy. The most obvious rationale being the phrase "there are people in the world so much worse off than you" or "what reason do you have to be sad, things could be worse."
Sure, that's true, and EVERYONE needs a little perspective now and then. But you know what? THOSE people aren't important to you. YOU are. THEIR well or ill being has very little impact on your own well or ill being.
It forces people into thinking that it's their own outlook, their own being that is forcing themselves to be unhappy and that the root of their current unhappiness lies with themselves. I'm no fool and understand that people want to have a pity party. I know someone who does it ALL THE TIME, and have been guilty of it myself. But, that sort of pressure to be happy all the time makes one start to think that all the problems in your life are because of you. That it's your attitude and point of view that is making you unhappy, and that the whole reason behind why things don't work out is your fault. "Why didn't x-thing happen? It was because I wasn't happy."
I find that a little immoral.
What I'm trying to point out is this fixation on positive thinking instead of positive doing. Don't try and make someone THINK better, try to make someone FEEL better. Even the most selfless person likes to hear about what they've accomplished. What makes them special. What other people feel their capabilities are. What they already know their capabilities are. What defines them to the world around them. What makes them memorable. There is almost no specific that is too small.
Right now, the most self-validating thing I've heard in the last month or two was that I had a plush animal named after one of my Dungeons and Dragons NPCs. I created this character on the fly. Gave him some cheesy, exaggerated personality and just let it go. He was loved by all my players.
That was over two years ago and was used in only one session.
I can barely describe what that meant to me, especially since I take role-play seriously (perhaps a little over-seriously), and really think that my skill and capability in this "meaningless" hobby of mine has long seen its sunset. They only mentioned it in passing, but it meant so much to me that I soared all that week in the knowledge that I can still pull something like that after all these years.
People want to know and be reminded of what good they have done, what good they are doing, and what good they can do. No, I don't mean good in the moral sense, but good in the quality sense. This isn't to say that everyone needs to be broken down and complimented all the time. That can be just as degrading, and for that matter, not everyone receives compliments or praise well. But everyone now and then needs some refocus or recognition of some kind. Help to realize or be reminded of their strengths and that, while they do have weaknesses, it's not their weaknesses that define them.
In my opinion, no one needs to think that sadness is a weakness. And even less do they need to think that lack of happiness is a weakness.
I fear that I've rambled and haven't put my thoughts together very well, but I hope you understand what I mean.
I will say one thing, I never tried to force a "feel good" attitude, if it came across that way I'm really sorry, that was not my intention. I tried to point out the good to you, to help you to see the good, and offered positive encouragement or advice.
I just hope I've helped in some way, thats what I feel I'm here for, and all I really want to do, as a friend.
Don't look for the good in life, look for the good in being, because ultimately your being is your life. And help others do the same.