Presenting Avereth in:
Soup Monologue
Limp Noodles With Water and I Were Never Meant To Be

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Screw Chicken Noodle Soup
Screw it 34 different ways with 69 unspeakable retributions

If not being able to chew from having all my wisdom teeth out means having to put up with this most inferior of all Campbell's soups I'm going to EXTREMIFY it from now on!

How do you EXTREMIFY it?
Is EXTREMIFY even a word?
In this guide I am only going to answer one of these two questions.

How to EXTREMIFY Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup (aka limp noodles with water)

Step 1: Open two cans of limp noodles with water and slop them into a pot. Make sure your slopping action is callous enough to show your contempt for this pathetic soup and its nearly nonexistant promises of chicken contents. There must be a proper ratio of messy noises resulting from the overabundant amount of thin water inside the cans to properly disrespect the soup. At least a little needs to get onto the counter for proper effect, even if no observers are present. Technique is of utmost importance so that this soup knows who's in charge! This is a soup that's used to taking advantage of the sick and weak, of being able to get away with it because you have no other options and it can dominate you like the vulnerable little bitch you are. This soup is an epic douche that everyone hates. Make sure not to turn your back on the soup for too long at any time; this is an intervention for chicken noodle soup and it's likely to be agitated at first.

Step 2: While it's still confused what's going on slam the pot on the burner and put it on low. Let the soup know you're in no hurry and taking your time. Be sure to mutter to yourself frequently too low for the soup to hear you and glance quickly over at it occasionally as if it's an unwanted visitor no one is willing to ask to leave, because that's exactly what it is. This is necessary to build up tension in the soup and keep it on the defensive. It's not used to being on heat for enough time for you to do things with it. While you let it stew in its own apprehension(this adds wonderful flavor to the soup!) it's time to find your weapons to use against mediocrity and watery excuses for soup. Your primary weapons need to be a few solids. This soup lacks a backbone and desperately needs one. In its current form it's probably less filling than jello! Pick out a few vegetable type things you tend to enjoy and set them on the counter. If you're really feeling bold, go find some actual meat to show that soup that the mystery substance that may have been chicken once is the shit that it is. Are the noodles too pathetic for you? Pull out some MANLY noodles and set them aside then! You need to degrade the soup and knock it down off its mightier-than-thou cloud to add a touch of humility to its flavor. Be sure at this stage to address the soup and let it know all the sordid things you think about it. Leave no stone unturned and no bridge burned. Things are going to be different now and you're laying it all out on the table. The cat isn't just out of the bag about how bad this slop is, it's out of the country by now! Remember, your insults have to hurt to instill just the right amount of misery into the flavor so that for the first time, you will be able to savor the soup's misery rather than the other way around!

Step 3: Okay so you've got your stuff out in plain sight now. The soup knows something is going on now and might try to start boiling to get out of it. Be sure to turn the heat down if it tries to escape that way. Now in my case I'd merely scraped up what I could find in the house and had a small can of mushrooms, a small onion, and some rosemary leaves I'd gone outside and picked off one of the bushes growing out there(be sure to pick them off actual rosemary bushes, it doesn't work if you just pick leaves off of random bushes...unless you're a max level alchemist or druid of course, but then if you are you don't get sick in the first place). The important thing about anything you use that's canned is to drain the water out before you add it in. That soup is already so thin and watery that adding any more might cause it to disappear(or at the least have you peeing like a racehorse while still hungry!). This is a soup that likes being thin and watery; don't be a bad soup enabler! Vegetable items need to be chopped if they are not already, and make the cuts thin enough for the flavor to come out and enhance the soup because it's painfully obvious that the soup itself isn't capable of producing any flavor of its own. Noodle items should be added immediately until you feel there's enough. In my case I only chopped a bit off the end of the onion and then diced it into little cubes which I tossed in. The rosemary leaves were broken into 3 pieces each and dropped in as well. After draining them I tossed in the sliced mushrooms and started to stir. All of the new stuff should shock the soup into inactivity for a while, so while it's stunned with its new appearance it's time to enact the second part.

Step 4: Turn the heat up to medium now to get those new ingredients softening up and leeching flavor into the all-too-overwhelming amount of watery broth in there. It's time to remake soup's smell and taste since those definitely need some work as badly as the appearance department did. The one thing to absolutely avoid here is salt! I know, I know, it must be so tempting to drown it in salt like a mother trying to kill her children. So much watery broth...so little flavor, right? But no, trust me; we're going to take care of all of that soon enough, and in ways that taste better than just piling on the salt. It's time to go into that spice cabinet and pick your poisons. Depending on what you already added in you should have some idea what kinds of spices you want, but if inexperienced just pop caps and sniff things until your nose tells you something has potential. If worst comes to worst, it can't possibly end up worse than if you'd been the poor sap who ate Campbell's limp noodles with water soup. In my case I got ground white pepper and curry powder. It's important not to pick too many things, so I'd really suggest no more than 3 at most. Take your picks and sparingly add them in while stirring and smelling the scent that rises up. You want to remember it's probably going to taste stronger than it smells, so it's generally a good idea to lay off before it smells like you're wanting it to actually taste, as by that point it's been overkilled. You also want to use less rather than more because we're going to take care of all that extra water as well.

Step 5: Now we're cooking! You've taken limp noodles with water and given him a whole new appearance and flavor. Now you need to turn up the heat again and get everybody well acquainted with one another in there. Be sure to stir once in a while to distribute the heat more evenly and deter anything from sticking on the bottom of the pan. You're going to do this for a good bit because it's time to take care of all that useless broth. You'll want to evaporate water until the broth has gotten a good bit more opaque in color, but not to the point it's starting to turn mushy. This will condense all the flavors you've added in and give your bladder a break since no one enjoys going to the bathroom more often than necessary from watery soup(because the soup PISSES YOU OFF GET IT? D: ). It will also make the soup more filling by having less water content. This is also why I said to avoid the salt; condensing it like this the spices you added and what little was already in the soup should be more than adequate. If any of your ingredients seems like it needs more time don't hesitate to add more water in if it's looking like you're running out of time.

Step 6: You've done it! You've taken Campbell's limp noodles with water soup and made it into something good! Pour it into a bowl, let it cool for a bit, and enjoy! If it doesn't want you to eat it because it realizes how awesome it is now do it anyway(especially if you're into vore! :P )! Do you taste that? That's the taste of success! Remember: there's never an excuse for eating bland food as long as you have a spice rack!