For the record, I'm not doing so well at all anymore. I just keep finding more ways to fuck up my life and I keep refusing it's my fault. So you know what? I'm just gonna come out and say it because I'm tired of lying to myself and lying to everyone.

I am an attention whore. I'm a slut. I'm an obsessed game addict. I'm a pathetic clingy fucking bastard who can't be able to move on. And I constantly feel like I can't do a damn thing about it, nor do I even want to.

Some of my closest friends I cherished playing games with and having good chats with hate me and avoid me like the plague, and I can't move on from my ex- Lee. The truth is that I miss him very much, and I would give up everything and anything to get him back but the problem is nothing I say, do, or whatever matters. He's gone, most of my friends are gone, my reputation's gone, my future's gone...everything that honestly matters to me is gone.

I constantly lust for love and attention because I feel like I never ever get it willingly anymore. But even worse is that I constantly intrude on people to vent my problems when it's not even welcome...and I know it. But I just can't fucking help a lifetime of bad habits...not to mention I don't want to. Nothing I say or do will bring any of it back...and there's nothing in the future that I want. There's no amount of money, fame, or women for that matter that can truly make me happy deep down inside again.

All that matters to me is Lee...and how much I just fucked up and how much I wanna just hurt myself, if not kill myself hundreds of times over for what I've done to him.

I don't care anymore about how pathetic I seem or if this is trying to nab pity. I'm just confessing at this point. I cheated on him, I cheated on others, I got clingy on people, and just kept doing more and more stupid stuff all because I've been so god damn lonely and want attention so much... Lee was the only one that was able to make me feel whole, and I was so ready to make hundreds of sacrifices for him...but now I can't...

-sigh- I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I don't know what to do, I don't even think I care about anything anymore. I don't have the willpower to get a job, get off my computer, write my book, or even go to college. And what's worse is I just don't want to move on because I love him too damn much. He asked me the day before he left me if he was the only one I loved and I was such a stupid fucking idiot that night, telling him that I love other things...even if that didn't necessarily mean just people. I'm a god damn fool. A whore, a fool, and a pathetic, lazy coward, and I know it.

I don't know why I'm writing this journal in here anymore. I don't care. Just a stupid journal I guess I can write my thoughts into. My only thoughts right now are of Lee, my mistakes, and how much I want to make them all go away and be with my only love again...thoughts that do nothing but hurt.

I miss Lee. I miss my old friends. I miss my old life. I miss being able to enjoy video games. I miss feeling wanted. But most of all I miss Lee.

I just want someone to put me out of my misery at this point. I can't take it anymore. This is weight I can't carry another mile, let alone thousands.

That's all for this Journal I guess...

-M.