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Here goes nothing...
15 years ago
Howdy!
Well I've never really been one to keep track of journals but I guess I'll give it another shot ^^;
Honestly I'm a little disillusioned at the moment. I turned 21 ten days ago and...iunno...it just isn't that big of a deal I guess. I'm just sitting around thinking "well crap...what now?" It's not like turning 15 or 16 you know when you get the sudden thrill of being able to get your permit/license and suddenly driving. The rush of adrenalin being behind the wheel of a vehicle on your own. The independence and freedom of all the possibilities that could happen just by pressing your foot down on the pedal.
A lot of people have said turning 21 was a magical thing (I also took it with a grain of salt from whom it was that was speaking to me). To me, there were many years that trumped it. Turning 10 for one thing. i mean come on...suddenly going from a single digit year marker to two!! That is memorable. First becoming a teenager at 13 was another odd period. 15/16 as already stated. 18 for the thrill of going off to college and the fear of the world suddenly crashing down.
I have also been reminiscing about my High School years a little too. I drove back home today and upon entering town a sudden wave of my life just flashed back before me. Noticing places that were previously undeveloped now a booming economic area. The restaurants and the local theater where I used to hang out. All the early morning practices and the after school meets for soccer and the geography club.
The question is usually asked at some point in an individuals life "If you could go back and redo anything in your past, would you?" I have been thinking about this a lot today, and after a brief meditation and in the process of writing this down I believe that I may have attained a starting point. I would choose to go back in time, but not to change anything. Overall I am quite content with my life, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. But I would go back, not for a mulligan or do-over, but simply to live it again. Sure there are many things I COULD have done differently, like come out as a whole and not give a damn like I do now. I could also have sat down my first real love and asked her to make a decision and not to leave me hanging like she did. Not to mention all the other things in school but I digress. I would go back, but only to relive, if only for a moment. The hanging out with old friends. the long projects and weird but cool teachers. The challenging courses and the thrill of being out on the pitch every Tuesday and Friday night.
Thus comes to my dilemma: I know it is better off in the past, and that is why memories are there, for us to remember the good times we've had and to build upon our future lives from past experiences. Despite being a junior in University at Texas State, despite continuing my life, I'm still a high school kid at heart. Not that I'm looking for parties or sex or anything like that. I just loved the atmosphere, getting to know people and thrive on a personal level. Out here...we're all just numbers. For work, for school, for politics...all just numbers. There is so little interactions where people try and get to know you.
So the question at hand: Do I force myself to "grow up", or simply keep searching in what could possibly be a futile effort? growing up will be the easiest thing to do. Fit in the system, become that brick in the wall that Pink Floyd so famously sung. But at what cost? The cost of killing essentially a part of who I am, the youth that likes to ask "Why" when confronted with a situation, the inner child who found gratitude int he most simple things, like hanging your paw out the window while in the car and letting the wind blow over. The choice must be made eventually, the die must be cast as I'm shaking them in my paws, but the thought of "growing up"...that may be the scariest outcome to land. To grow up, is a very dangerous thing....
Well I've never really been one to keep track of journals but I guess I'll give it another shot ^^;
Honestly I'm a little disillusioned at the moment. I turned 21 ten days ago and...iunno...it just isn't that big of a deal I guess. I'm just sitting around thinking "well crap...what now?" It's not like turning 15 or 16 you know when you get the sudden thrill of being able to get your permit/license and suddenly driving. The rush of adrenalin being behind the wheel of a vehicle on your own. The independence and freedom of all the possibilities that could happen just by pressing your foot down on the pedal.
A lot of people have said turning 21 was a magical thing (I also took it with a grain of salt from whom it was that was speaking to me). To me, there were many years that trumped it. Turning 10 for one thing. i mean come on...suddenly going from a single digit year marker to two!! That is memorable. First becoming a teenager at 13 was another odd period. 15/16 as already stated. 18 for the thrill of going off to college and the fear of the world suddenly crashing down.
I have also been reminiscing about my High School years a little too. I drove back home today and upon entering town a sudden wave of my life just flashed back before me. Noticing places that were previously undeveloped now a booming economic area. The restaurants and the local theater where I used to hang out. All the early morning practices and the after school meets for soccer and the geography club.
The question is usually asked at some point in an individuals life "If you could go back and redo anything in your past, would you?" I have been thinking about this a lot today, and after a brief meditation and in the process of writing this down I believe that I may have attained a starting point. I would choose to go back in time, but not to change anything. Overall I am quite content with my life, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. But I would go back, not for a mulligan or do-over, but simply to live it again. Sure there are many things I COULD have done differently, like come out as a whole and not give a damn like I do now. I could also have sat down my first real love and asked her to make a decision and not to leave me hanging like she did. Not to mention all the other things in school but I digress. I would go back, but only to relive, if only for a moment. The hanging out with old friends. the long projects and weird but cool teachers. The challenging courses and the thrill of being out on the pitch every Tuesday and Friday night.
Thus comes to my dilemma: I know it is better off in the past, and that is why memories are there, for us to remember the good times we've had and to build upon our future lives from past experiences. Despite being a junior in University at Texas State, despite continuing my life, I'm still a high school kid at heart. Not that I'm looking for parties or sex or anything like that. I just loved the atmosphere, getting to know people and thrive on a personal level. Out here...we're all just numbers. For work, for school, for politics...all just numbers. There is so little interactions where people try and get to know you.
So the question at hand: Do I force myself to "grow up", or simply keep searching in what could possibly be a futile effort? growing up will be the easiest thing to do. Fit in the system, become that brick in the wall that Pink Floyd so famously sung. But at what cost? The cost of killing essentially a part of who I am, the youth that likes to ask "Why" when confronted with a situation, the inner child who found gratitude int he most simple things, like hanging your paw out the window while in the car and letting the wind blow over. The choice must be made eventually, the die must be cast as I'm shaking them in my paws, but the thought of "growing up"...that may be the scariest outcome to land. To grow up, is a very dangerous thing....
