Don't go! Stay!

Every time I feel one of my own existence failures setting it, I always take a nap. It just helps me out for some reason. I know you've said you've been having a hard time sleeping, but I do think that if you were to get your sleeping pattern back to "normal" then you may feel a bit better.

Lots of people feel helpless this way. I know I certainly do. I freak out because I need to go back to school, need to somehow PAY for that school, worry about how I'm getting around because my car has broken down, figure out if the guy I like is a guy I can have a future with, freak out even more because I don't feel I'm intelligent enough for him, worry about my mom's emotional condition, worry about my dog's impending death, think about how I need to get her coffin ready when the time comes, shun everyone I knew in high school because I feel like I'm going nowhere with my life and I don't want anybody to see me wallowing in my own self pity, and what I'm going to have for lunch.

Now... a nap doesn't make all my problems go away, but getting plenty of sleep does help me feel like I can take all that on one step at a time.

And if anything, you could always make a list. Make a list of the things that are causing you to crash and burn - just list 'em all out. Write 'em down. THEN. Next to each one of those problems, list a possible solution for overcoming them. EVEN IF YOU HAVE NO INTENTION OF OVERCOMING THE PROBLEM AT ALL just write down a way to sort through the issue. I think it might really help to just have something to look at. You can always say to yourself "Here is my problem. Here is a solution. Do I want to engage in fixing this problem with said solution?" It's just kind of a way to have a light at the end of the tunnel if you choose to walk toward it. =)

And I do NOT mean that as a suicide reference. If you killed yourself, I would bring you back to life and kill you again. Then I'd bring you back to life again and send you to a self help class - NO WAIT - I would send you to TWO self help classes. Let that be your motivation for not killing yourself.

Because I'll do it.

Unfortunately, I am, and always have been, one of those people who just can't nap. I don't know why. It just doesn't work, haha. But yes, I certainly need to get this sleep thing sorted. I tried, a couple days ago, to exhaust myself by staying active an extra 5 hours or so. I figured my body wouldn't be able to resist. It'll have to get a full night's sleep, whether it wants to or not. It backfired spectacularly when I woke up 2 and a half hours later. You'd think I'd be able to fall back asleep, but no. It'd be funny if it weren't so mind numbing, haha. Whether it's the cause or the symptom, I'm sure I'd feel at least somewhat better if I wasn't sleep deprived.

I can solve at least one of those problems for you. You are going to have something edible for lunch. The others can likely be solved with duct tape. Everything can solved with enough duct tape. Or fire. But these don't sound like fire-soluble problems. Unless you want them to be.

I was, at one point, actually sort of making a little progress with my life. I didn't really have anything to show for it. I wasn't even really in the starting gate yet, but I'd at least finally managed to get facing in roughly the right direction. I had a plan. I knew that about halfway through I would get thrown into direct conflict with my terrible anxiety issues, but I figured I could deal with that when the time came. And even if I couldn't, I'dve made progress to get that far. Then, as they so often do, unforeseen circumstances arose which managed to make an impossibility of the most basic things I need to do. So, at the moment, I'm stuck. I am, essentially, a slave to other people's problems, which I cannot control. I don't know. I could probably go on and on but most of it would probably sound really petty. I'm sure you've got better things to be doing than listening to my whining anyway, haha.

Funny thing is, it's never really been the practical problems. Of course they weigh on me quite a bit, but they always do. Normally I can handle it. I don't really know what sets off these depressive patches. Sometimes the source is obvious, but these spontaneous ones...I've never quite figured them out. There must be some sort of trigger, I just don't know what.

I don't know. I know what I'm supposed to be doing and I know "why", but I don't really understand why. I need a better way to phrase that...I know the reason, but I don't understand the why. That's still not terribly clear, but I hope it makes a little sense. The vast majority of what I do is done either because I'm supposed to or for other people. I probably shouldn't say it, but the only real reason I'm still alive is because of what the alternative would do to other people. I don't even really understand that. It's a pretty lousy "raison d'etre" isn't it? "Because the alternative would cause harm to others" but at the moment it's the best I've got, and I suppose it's serving its purpose.

And I am rambling. I have become severely long winded. And I'm getting far too serious for anyone's good.

Oh god. Can you imagine it? Me in a self-help class? I would drive them insane. I guarantee, in less than a week, they would have to find a new lecturer. The only real question would be who was suffering the most, them or me? ...Them...definitely them...XD

I once read a Buddhist quote that said (something along the lines of) "If you have a problem that you can solve, be happy. If you have a problem that you cannot solve, be happy."

*shrug*

Alas, tis easier said than done.

Ah well. I may always be behind in the game of life, but I'm a stubborn git and I'm not prone to forfeit. Besides, The Moonbase doesn't run itself, you know. Who would rule the Earth if I wasn't around? The poor people of Earth would have to elect their leaders, and we all know just how well they do that. The poor sods need me!

Thanks for bearing with me while I'm sitting around being all emo.

*Hugs* I wuv my big fuzzy rock.

You're probably right. I was never actually diagnosed with anything back when I was seeing a shrink, but I wonder how much of that was because of me minimizing and trying to wear the good face.

Hm, but what does one do when the mask is every bit as real as the face underneath it?

"High quality piece of work." Yeah, that sounds like me, haha, the "piece of work" especially.

It's like the "mask" is the real me, but there's something else, another part living and boiling behind it. It's difficult for me to explain. There's the me on the surface and there's the me underneath, both are honest and valid, but neither one is the whole truth. I suppose I am, in some ways, at war with myself. The thing underneath tells the thing on the surface that it's just a lie, just a mask, but the thing on the surface has been around for just as long, if not longer. I'm not sure my brain is working well enough to communicate what I really mean, but I hope I'm making some sense.

I think I very much know what you mean (apart from the sleeping thing; once I manage to fall asleep I'm out for the count). Life's a big, complex and scary thing, even if you take it at face value and don't look for the 'why'. I really envy all the people who seem to have at least half a clue how it works and what they want/need to do about it.

I'd really like to say something profound and helpful here, but nothing's coming to mind, so I'll settle for a generic platitude that you can fill in below:

_______________________ , and take care.

Yeah, normally my sleep is like that too, haha. That's why I can't nap. Normally, though it takes me a long time to get to sleep, once I'm out there's no force on this Earth that can wake me. Thus when I try to nap I always end up with the old "sleep hangover" and that only makes things worse, haha. But this recent trouble, I can't quite call it insomnia, has had me waking up essentially every other hour for roughly an hour. So I end up with half the sleep.

I've always been a "why" person. The world is a strange place. When we're growing up they tell us that it's good, and wonderful, and happy, and just. Eventually some of us figure out that we've been lied to. The human race says all these things about what it is and what it wants but never lives up to it. So much of what we do is philosophically and intellectually void, so counter to real progress. So I've got this...this "weltschmerz"... and then practical and personal problems get piled on top of it.

Haha, alright, I'll fill that in.

"There's a chainsaw in the icebox, and take care."

Yep, the 'why' is good trait in my book. It just has a nasty tendency to make all the crazy and awful things seem worse sometimes. :\

And do take care with that chainsaw! Even when used properly, like against zombies, they can leave quite a mess! XD

That it certainly does. It's worth it though, I think. It's better to look reality face on and be destroyed by it than to be blissful in ignorance. It really says a lot about our society that "ignorance is bliss" and "happiness is healthiness."

Don't worry, I'm well trained in the art of chainsaw-fu. You wouldn't believe how often the zombies get loose up here.