To Tena, my love, my mate

It’s hard for me to grasp a world without you. Every time I do I feel a sadness I never thought I would know. But this sadness help remind me of the benefits. And it reminds me to cherish every moment I have with you. I know that when the time comes I will not be sad for myself… only you. My hope is that you will someday see the world as I do. This view has enabled me to adapt to great change, and to understand how the world works and what is really important.
It’s not the task you accomplish; it’s not a measure of what you want to do. It is a measure of doing what you can and finding solace when you fall short in knowing you tried.
If there is one thing I fear it is you thinking you have somehow fallen short on life. I have done what I can to instill the drive to live, and to show you that even if it does all eventually end it is still worth it to keep pushing forward.
I know that you understand that material possessions don’t matter. At least in the fact that they are material. What we really find important is the meaning we give those objects. Such as when a young boy gives a lady a flower. The flower itself may look pretty, it may smell good, but those are no comparison to the meaning instilled within it. It is the love shown that gives the flower its beauty. Just as the love you give me gives you an incomparable beauty. I can think of no better reason to live then to see you again. But even if I don’t get to see you again I know that because of the way I see the world I will be satisfied knowing that I have done all I can to show you I love you.
The hard part is balancing my devotion to you now with my devotion to you in the future. I have found the reason to live and to be successful. That is so that in time I can support you and continue to show you I care about you. It’s almost like living two lives. But I think I’m managing ok.

I wanted to write a letter to you showing you how much I care about you, and that no matter what happens everything will be ok, but I realized after the first sentence that I was going to fall short. There are no words to accurately describe my love. It’s not that I don’t understand what love is, it is just too pure to describe in any other way other than action. Actions that I will deliver over time that culminates to eventually accurately show you how much I care. Sadly it will take the rest of my life to show you how much I care but I believe you would not want it any other way.

So I hope that when you read this you do not think of the time we are apart, but instead cherish the times we were together. For if there is one thing that can bring us peace it is understanding that which matters most.


I also know that our love is true because I have thought about the worst thing that could happen. And please if you don’t want to know my worst fears don’t read further. But if you insist please remember that I do these thoughts to help me cope and understand just in case the time comes. Again, understanding helps me to figure out what is important, and to direct my actions to the right course.


I get a phone call, it’s my friend on the line saying something happened. He tells me to get there as soon as possible. I ask why and he says something happened to Tena. My heart skips a beat and I immediately start asking what it is. He tells me she is sick and needs me there as soon as possible. I drop all other thoughts in my head and focus on that one task. I don’t even tell anyone where I am going I just hop in my car and drive as fast as I can. Along the way I am filled in on the details and that prompts me to drive even faster. I eventually get there and find my way to her. I can see her as I get closer but she can’t see me. I see her scanning the area constantly looking for me until our eyes connect and I see the tears start to well.

I rush to her side and grasp her hand kissing her. I tell her I understand what happened and that I’m here for her. She thanks me for coming and is amazed I made it so quickly. The doctors don’t give her long and I can already see the fear in her eyes.

She looks at me and with pleading tells me she wishes she could have had more time, that there was so much more she wanted to do and see. All I can think about now is all the times she missed when I really should be thankful that we had time together at all. Instead of thinking of the missed opportunities we should have been happy to have all the good times we did.

But it’s too late and I feel her slowly slip away. As she goes I tell her what I should. I tell her I love her with all my soul and that I will see her later even though I’m not totally sure I will. But anything I can say to give her strength is what I need to say. She smiles slightly then the monitors scream as I’m pushed out by doctors and nurses into an alien world void of her presence and I feel cold and alone.

But it was all just a dream.

Instead I'm still on the road because I'm 10 hours away and I never had the chance to say goodbye.

But that is not what I fear most.

What I fear most is this but with our places reversed where I'm the one leaving and your rushing to see me. To leave you all alone in this world would make passing so hard. And it is why I am writing this down now so that if this ever does happen you know that which matters most. It’s so that in our darkest hour you’ll know what I wanted to say, and that I will never stop loving you.

I’m sorry if I make you dream of bad times like this, but I know that knowing what lies ahead can help us cherish what we have now even more. You say I’m obsessed with you because I try to spend as much time with you as I can. Now you know why. I spend all my time with you because I know that if I do I will know I have done the best I can. And that I have given you as much joy as I could.

I love you so much.

Tyzin S