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WWED?
15 years ago
I don't normally write self-biographical journals. I try not to, for a number of reasons. One, they're boring to anyone but the one who is writing them; two, they typically swim in self-indulgence/pity parties; three, I just don't have the time to be arsed. But sometimes, when the stars align and the overwhelming need to collect my personal thoughts in a public medium arises, I can see the reasoning behind an autobiographic journal.
That being said, I am quite aware that there are only a handful, if that, that would ever even see this journal. And that's fine - the people that will read this in earnest are probably the only ones I would even want to read these thoughts. Whether that's for good or bad, that's up to their judgment. All I hope to accomplish here is to collect my thoughts and, hopefully, find some insight into what I need to do.
For those who know me - who really, really know me, those who actually talk to me on the rare occasion I may perhaps be willing to talk, know that I write for a lot of characters. Stories, histories, personalities, future events - I write for them quite a lot. However, many do not know why I write what I do. Why I create characters a certain way, or have certain things happen to them. Oddly enough, many of my characters, if not all of them, are a reflection of myself, in some certain spectrum. What this journal is about, however, is one character of mine in particular: Ebon Thundermoon.
If you have played World of Warcraft with me, you know that Ebon is my Tauren warrior. If you've ever read or participated in any of the RP I have written about her, you may understand what I am about to outline here in this journal - specifically, who Ebon is, in relation to me, and why the things happen to her that they do.
To provide a brief summary, Ebon is a Taureness that has had quite a rough and tragic past - her entire family killed when she was only 8 years old; her life since spent with a constant, looming nightmare whenever she sleeps; her every day spent in either life-threatening battle or soul-crushing drudgery that is command. I mentioned earlier that my characters reflect a certain part of myself, which is very true. Kyowai, my "fursona", so to speak, is me. In specific, he is my creativity. The driving force behind my motivation and inspiration, my very essence and spark of life.
Ebon, however, is my loneliness.
This is perhaps why Ebon is my most cherished character that I have ever written for. Loneliness has been a part of my life for a long, long while. And before this starts to sound like one of the millions of sob emo journals that plague the internet, let me clarify that this loneliness is not something detrimental. You see, Ebon is strong. Very strong, in fact. She's an amazingly resilient character, forged like a fine steel blade - she has taken so much awfulness, so much pain and suffering, and yet always stands defiantly day by day, even when her troubles and tribulations assault her in her very sleep. In many ways, I feel so very sad for her, knowing the pain and suffering that I, as a writer, put her through, but in the back of my mind, I always admire her for how well she pulls through each situation she faces.
The horrible events in Ebon's life are of no mere happenstance, either. When I was only 8, myself, I went through a rather tough time in my life. I was a latch-key kid growing up; my mother and father worked no less than 60 hours a week, and I spent most of my time after school alone, out in the woods behind our house, with no other company than the stray cats that flocked to our back porch due to the fact that I would take care of them. One day, I can't remember when, nearly all of those stray cats, who I had been so proud of providing a loving shelter and care for, had been attacked and killed by a wandering pack of dogs. We lived way out in the sticks, you see - it wasn't so odd that feral animals would be roaming around the area. However, having to bury so many of my friends - my only friends - was a bit hard for me to take. Especially when I had no one else to spend my time with as a child.
Growing up, I had spent quite a lot of time alone. I'd say there was a mild comfort in it, but I suppose it was only due to the fact that I wasn't comfortable in being social. Sure, I'd participate in sports, band, community service, etc - but every time, I was always off by myself. That's just who I was. It's who I am. A loner. And I'm still finding out why that is.
There have been many times where I've opened up, let people in, try to share with them a part of my life. And though yes, I have made friends, shared loving experiences with a select few, it never fails that these relationships would end in heartbreak. Now, perhaps it's due to me; I know that I am a very stoic, very quiet and very withdrawn person. It's tough for me to share my feelings, or some sort of emo bullshit psychiatric terminology like that. However, I am not one to dismiss certain patterns that repeatedly make themselves known.
Perhaps I am better off, being alone.
It's not that I'm afraid of being hurt, or that I feel that I'm not worthy of anyone's attention. Far from it. I know I have self-worth, that maybe there is someone out there for me.
I just decided to take advice from Ebon.
"I don't have the time to piss away on people who don't know what they want."
That being said, I am quite aware that there are only a handful, if that, that would ever even see this journal. And that's fine - the people that will read this in earnest are probably the only ones I would even want to read these thoughts. Whether that's for good or bad, that's up to their judgment. All I hope to accomplish here is to collect my thoughts and, hopefully, find some insight into what I need to do.
For those who know me - who really, really know me, those who actually talk to me on the rare occasion I may perhaps be willing to talk, know that I write for a lot of characters. Stories, histories, personalities, future events - I write for them quite a lot. However, many do not know why I write what I do. Why I create characters a certain way, or have certain things happen to them. Oddly enough, many of my characters, if not all of them, are a reflection of myself, in some certain spectrum. What this journal is about, however, is one character of mine in particular: Ebon Thundermoon.
If you have played World of Warcraft with me, you know that Ebon is my Tauren warrior. If you've ever read or participated in any of the RP I have written about her, you may understand what I am about to outline here in this journal - specifically, who Ebon is, in relation to me, and why the things happen to her that they do.
To provide a brief summary, Ebon is a Taureness that has had quite a rough and tragic past - her entire family killed when she was only 8 years old; her life since spent with a constant, looming nightmare whenever she sleeps; her every day spent in either life-threatening battle or soul-crushing drudgery that is command. I mentioned earlier that my characters reflect a certain part of myself, which is very true. Kyowai, my "fursona", so to speak, is me. In specific, he is my creativity. The driving force behind my motivation and inspiration, my very essence and spark of life.
Ebon, however, is my loneliness.
This is perhaps why Ebon is my most cherished character that I have ever written for. Loneliness has been a part of my life for a long, long while. And before this starts to sound like one of the millions of sob emo journals that plague the internet, let me clarify that this loneliness is not something detrimental. You see, Ebon is strong. Very strong, in fact. She's an amazingly resilient character, forged like a fine steel blade - she has taken so much awfulness, so much pain and suffering, and yet always stands defiantly day by day, even when her troubles and tribulations assault her in her very sleep. In many ways, I feel so very sad for her, knowing the pain and suffering that I, as a writer, put her through, but in the back of my mind, I always admire her for how well she pulls through each situation she faces.
The horrible events in Ebon's life are of no mere happenstance, either. When I was only 8, myself, I went through a rather tough time in my life. I was a latch-key kid growing up; my mother and father worked no less than 60 hours a week, and I spent most of my time after school alone, out in the woods behind our house, with no other company than the stray cats that flocked to our back porch due to the fact that I would take care of them. One day, I can't remember when, nearly all of those stray cats, who I had been so proud of providing a loving shelter and care for, had been attacked and killed by a wandering pack of dogs. We lived way out in the sticks, you see - it wasn't so odd that feral animals would be roaming around the area. However, having to bury so many of my friends - my only friends - was a bit hard for me to take. Especially when I had no one else to spend my time with as a child.
Growing up, I had spent quite a lot of time alone. I'd say there was a mild comfort in it, but I suppose it was only due to the fact that I wasn't comfortable in being social. Sure, I'd participate in sports, band, community service, etc - but every time, I was always off by myself. That's just who I was. It's who I am. A loner. And I'm still finding out why that is.
There have been many times where I've opened up, let people in, try to share with them a part of my life. And though yes, I have made friends, shared loving experiences with a select few, it never fails that these relationships would end in heartbreak. Now, perhaps it's due to me; I know that I am a very stoic, very quiet and very withdrawn person. It's tough for me to share my feelings, or some sort of emo bullshit psychiatric terminology like that. However, I am not one to dismiss certain patterns that repeatedly make themselves known.
Perhaps I am better off, being alone.
It's not that I'm afraid of being hurt, or that I feel that I'm not worthy of anyone's attention. Far from it. I know I have self-worth, that maybe there is someone out there for me.
I just decided to take advice from Ebon.
"I don't have the time to piss away on people who don't know what they want."
