Spiritually. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally.

I am so, so tired of pretending, of lying, of crawling.

And you, acting like everything is like it was, like everything is shiny and perfect-- treating me like suddenly I matter again. And there I am, confused, hurting, and waving the broken heart in my hands at you-- notice this, notice that I'm right here, still in love with you.

But I sit here, too, and lie. Faking my laughter and amusement, faking that I'm sated with this. That the roleplay, and disjointed conversation is enough. Lies, all of it.

I can't be happy. You stole that from me. You took away my ability to be happy on my own. I used to be a stronger person. I used to have something in me, that gave me the strength to just pick up and walk away; it's gone now. It's been gone a few years.
I don't remember what it feels like to be happy, just for the sake of it. To not hate myself, my life, the place I'm in. All I feel is hate, and bitterness, and this painful tightness that keeps making me sick to my stomach. I will never have it again by myself. I will never be able to just pick up and start over again.

I had a breakdown tonight. I sat on the floor at work, and just sobbed. Because this is yet another birthday—and few months of holidays-- alone. You left me alone, at the worst point of my year. Right after the death of the one family member that meant something to me. That cared about me.

I don't need a 'friend'. I need someone that loves me. I need someone to whisper things into my hair and hold me while I cry. I need someone I can trust with all of the things that tighten up my chest and make it had to carry through my day.

You can turn to /her/, or your family, or those little 'friends' you cling to. I lost all that. I have no one. No one that wants to hear this. No one that will. I burnt every bridge. And I'm supposed to sit here, and try for you, stand there next to you-- when you abandoned me. The irony is, you once described your character being a stepping stone, for all those people in his life.
That's me. I am always the pathway to something else. Walked on for a few years, until there's a better path in sight. You're just another set of footprints down my spine. And I can't do it again. I can't sit here, loving you, and let you use me to move on.


Maybe I'll feel better after I sleep. Maybe this feeling will go away, and I'll stop sobbing. Sleep seems to be the blanket for all things. I hope that's true of this. But right now, I just hope I don't wake up



You've done the most horrible thing I can ever imagine:





You've turned me into you.