Ahh, hell. My condolences, and best wishes that things turn 'round for you.

*hugs tight* I'm so sorry, hun :(

2 things you should remember: 1 is that the universe never gives us more than we can handle and the 2nd is that if we keep asking for more, the universe provides it--even when it really isn't what we want or need. so maybe you should look at the universe and say, 'OK, I've got enough right now--maybe even time for some help to show up' instead of 'OK, hit me again'. meantime, virtual hugs and best wishes. wish I could do more.

I think it does give people more than they can handle; I think those people kill themselves.

I've found my attitude doesn't really matter. I've asked, begged, prayed for a break: Didn't happen. I've asked, begged, prayed that the forces at large quit playing around with the slow inexorable crush and just kill me: didn't happen. Asked, begged, prayed that it all works out, and it doesn't, or at least some problems are going on 15 years and not working out yet. I've asked for a clear sign, got those, they were: you're screwed and you lost. I've been sucked into problems I don't want to deal with, that I didn't cause and can't fix, by virtue of being the sole responsible person in the vicinity. And a couple times I've finally made peace with it all, stopped agonizing for a few days, and then something steamrollers me that I might have avoided if I'd been paying attention.

If it's God's plan, it sucks. I'm continually forced towards the conclusion that God/Universe is evil, is powerless to assist, or doesn't care. Forced to continually suck down the lesson that there is no control over anything, there isn't even the illusion of control, and largely whatever I do is irrelevant and only matters if I think it matters. A conclusion that maybe only psychopaths are truly happy, truly guilt free. No good deed goes unpunished.

Anyhow, thanks for the thoughts. I keep telling myself it won't last forever, but it sure feels like it, and my impulse to scream and curl up in a corner has been going on for a long, long time now.

people kill themselves for all sorts of reasons, hon. usually it is from cowardice. sometimes it is because the pain gets to be so much that they just don't want to anything else and suicide is how they handle it. the universe doesn't give us more than we can handle; it is just that sometimes the only way to handle something is to die. as for the impulse to scream and curl up in a corner, we all have it. I just learned to go outside somewhere a long way from anyone and scream. it helps to let it out rather than swallow it all the time.

GAH I wish I could help.....

Thanks. I don't know what kind of help to ask for anyway, or I do, but it's all waiting on me.

Thanks. I don't know what kind of help to ask for anyway, or I do, but it's all waiting on me.

Wow, just now reading this. So sorry to hear it. Being the only person willing to stand up and take responsibility makes it hurt a lot more. It reveals who your friends are, and your family are almost NEVER your friends. I've been through this more than once, and unfortunately it doesn't get easier. But we survive.

I'm not going to give you the same old nonsense about how it "makes us stronger" and we need to "heal," blah, blah, blah. I say KICK ASS AND TAKE NAMES. When you're alone and things need to get done, DO THEM. Don't ask for permission and don't wait for approval. You'll never get them. And when the relatives who should have been standing beside you try to complain, tell them to go straight to hell. When I look back at my tragedies, the only regrets I have are about the actions I DIDN'T take. So take those actions and don't look back.

The people I admire most are the ones who have the strength to sever relationships that suck them dry. I've seen so many good, talented people driven to despair by friends and relatives who can't or won't do anything for themselves and take advantage of the good nature of a caring soul who can't bear to be alone. Well, BEAR IT. You will find that without the burdens of bad relationships, even if you're completely alone, you'll feel FREE. And that will allow you to grow CONTENT.

A decade ago, I did something that turned out to be the most positive thing I could have done. I made a point to spend time with people I like (or at least could TOLERATE) at least 2 or 3 times a week. It didn't matter WHO they were or WHAT kind of relationship I had with them, it only mattered that I was out and socializing. You don't need constant joy. Reducing the number of hair-pulling days gets the job done.

I agree, the universe DOES give us more than we can handle, but only because "the universe" is not a caring, feeling thing. We ARE, and we show it by dealing with it.

(I didn't intend to write all that, but there it is.)

Thanks.

This is very good advice. I'll try to take it. Especially the part about getting sucked dry, and how family aren't friends.