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Moving too quickly… or Instant gratification?
15 years ago
I apologize in advance for this long journal entry. It's probably hit the TL:DR length. I do hope people read it, but if not just skip ahead this is just mostly me and a lot of it is inner monologue. I just tend to get passionate when I write about some things and the words tend to flow. So please bear with as FA doesn't have a LJ cut feature.
It seems that’s the name of the game these days. It seems today that people instantly want things and then never really working for the long term, but only caring for the here and now. I guess I’m one of those with an old fashioned kind of ethic especially when it comes to relationships. Today it looks like people instantly want to go immediately from the ‘crush’ phase or expressing interest… then almost immediately into (by ‘furry standards’) we’re ‘mates’ now. Some people go from say meeting someone at a con and then almost immediately after into the whole “we’re mates now” phase too, completely bypassing the whole dating thing in general which baffles me. What happened to the really getting to know someone? The candle lit dinners, and things like that… Now people seem to rush, rush, rush… Not willing to put the time/effort to making a lasting bond... One that will test the trials of time itself. It seems that the whole ‘mate’ thing is not as highly regarded as I tend to view it as. It seems a lot use the word "mate" to refer to the bf or gf in general... I don't, but then again I tend to view things differently I guess. To me I look at the word ‘mate’ very different than most I guess. I see a mate as pretty much the deepest phase a relationship goes; that is pretty much the equivalent of marriage in a sense, where it seems now most think that a ‘mate’ is when you’re pretty much dating…
I’ve been in a few relationships and they take time and effort. I mean the internet can help some keeping communication, especially for long distance relationships, but I guess it also helps to perpetuate this whole going instantly to we’re ‘mates’ for some people. Communication is one thing, but that doesn’t substitute actual in person contact, and being together (believe me I know this from experience in long distance relationships), actually dating, and getting to know one another vs. in text and stuff. You might think you know someone, but text only goes so far in indicating emotion etc...
I’m guessing perhaps people are that desperate to try to have it get to that ‘mate’ level, or perhaps it’s just a label now instead of the whole boyfriend / girlfriend stage. I don’t know… I’ve been trying to open up to the whole dating/relationship thing in general as I’ve really not been in one since 2006 roughly. It’s not that I haven’t been ‘on the market’ per say… I’ve just been unsure some even of what exactly I want in a relationship. So therein I guess giving off vibes of not being interested which isn’t the case at all. I’ve just really needed people to give me a bit more time to warm up to things as I’m not one to just dive head first into something. I have a lot of things I need to work on myself, but willing to do so with someone by my side with me. I’ve gone through a lot of ups and downs, sometimes feeling very lonely wondering if there is anyone out there… those kinds of thoughts on relationships. Unfortunately I also go through times where I’m kind of happy not to be in one as they can be great, but can be a lot of work… Not necessarily a bad thing because usually good things are worth working at, and waiting for, but it also takes compromises and things like that.
I kind of look at a relationship going through these stages:
• Pre-Dating Phase
◦ Expressing ‘interest’
◦ Doesn’t mean with anyone ‘yet’
◦ Figuring out if there is a connection
• Dating Phase
◦ Going out with someone
◦ Feeling out the other person more than the Pre-Dating Phase
◦ Seeing if from the connection if there is a bond
• Relationship Phase
◦ Actually ‘together’ with someone, more than dating (usually meaning not seeing anyone else: depending on things like open relationships, or to some "multiple mates" -- Me? I'm monogamous, but was stating a few of some other schools of thought.)
◦ Seeing if the bond formed is deeper and more committed
• Mate Phase
◦ Full commitment to one another
◦ Deepest bond shared – equivalent to marriage
I recently made a LJ post titled “One’s Pack”, with this same kind of outline, but felt like cross posting some of that here to my FA journal here as I hardly post here to this journal or any journal really… I need to do better about that in general, to try to keep up with people and stuff.
The time between stages is not really set; it more depends on what both sides feel comfortable with. It just seems to me that some people want to rush to the end stages without dealing with the rest of what in my opinion ‘should’ be going on. Perhaps I’m a bit ‘too’ cautious? I mean I am nowhere near perfect… and with being cautious perhaps coming off as pushing people aside or not interested, which as I said before is not the case.... I'm just very apprehensive and kinda getting reacquainted to the whole dating game in general. I've also been very adverse to the whole long distance relationship thing... Some perhaps just being overwhelmed a bit when I’m trying to open up to even the first stages even getting to the dating stage. I had a few express some interest roughly at the same time and I did kinda feel a bit overwhelmed to say the least... All while trying to feel out myself about even wanting a relationship. Hind sight I probably should've taken a plunge? I don't know... *sighs*
A lot of this stems from my own past relationships and what I've learned from them. Being bi is annoying sometimes... Both have their ups/downs, drama... including myself. It broadens some aspects, but you have to be versatile and open... It also leaves you more open and susceptible to be hurt... The worst thing I can think of is being with say a girl and then be like "I'm sorry I want to be with a guy now...", or vice versa... I've been dealing with a bit of that, some unsure of what I want and not wanting to put someone through that kind of anguish. I just wish that people would kinda bear with me... It isn't that I don't want someone to join me by my side or vice versa... For when I am 'with' someone... that is 'who' I am with, and no one else. Till things end, but definitely don't want that to happen, as one never really wants their relationship to go sour. You won't catch me trying to jump at someone else... I guess I’m more a romantic at heart… I do prefer things to go a little slow paced, for things to feel ‘comfortable’ because I really do want to make sure that everything is right before getting to that end phase.
A lot of why I think I fall back into wishing I had someone is that I see other people with their significant others and sometimes wish I had someone like that on ‘that’ kind of level as closer than ‘just’ a friend. To put it into music, or put that kind of spin on it... The song by Sting “Fragile” is kinda appropriate… *chuckles* That's the way I feel some, so very fragile in general. I'm strong in some regards, but not so in others. I tend to think I have a tough exterior, but inside not so much. Maybe a bit hard to read and stuff. Perhaps though I over-think things and over-analyze. I know others who do and I am guilty of such myself. I’m not trying to push anyone away, it’s mostly me trying to get used to and feel comfortable with the whole dating/relationship thing, and obviously people are not willing to wait in general. I need to do a bit better as well showing my own interest... I'm just not real good at times, sometimes being oblivious and also not the best person to catch flirting and not the best at flirting myself. Truthfully I think I’m definitely a little ‘afraid’ most of that stemming from previous relationships that have failed and not really wanting to go through more failure.
In my opinion, good things come to those who wait. I am not in a rush to find someone. I hope that someone "finds" me again, or maybe me inadvertently stumble into something. Not meaning I am not going to be looking per say, but seems relationships tend to happen when you're 'not' looking for them. I'm going to focus on the things I can change like my current job situation. I'm working on doing better and trying not to be so afraid to allow someone that close again. Other things... I'm contemplating going back and getting a masters degree to help with the job situation. I'm not too too worried on the whole love/relationship thing. If it happens, it happens, and I'm not going to try to care much one way or the other. It is worth something pursuing, but pursuing properly. I mean the other school of thought is going in and out of relationships at a fast pace. That's just not the way I do things.
There are some things that need that 'leap of faith', when the time comes, but it isn't something to just rush into. You get more heartache that way and a road full of shattered dreams, in hopes of finding that one. I don't live life waiting for that 'one' . People shouldn't depend on finding that 'one' to complete them. Everyone should be complete themselves, and when able to add someone into their life can be a definite life changer. I hope to find that again at some point. I have a good idea what it is that I'd like... I'm just not one to go rushing in to be hurt like I have in the past. I just hope people understand where it is I am coming from...
I think I've taken up more than enough of your time if you've read this entire thing. I thank you and all. Just know that this is me kinda rambling around with thoughts in my head. Have technically been writing this post for quite a while now, but just hadn't up and posted it yet.
It seems that’s the name of the game these days. It seems today that people instantly want things and then never really working for the long term, but only caring for the here and now. I guess I’m one of those with an old fashioned kind of ethic especially when it comes to relationships. Today it looks like people instantly want to go immediately from the ‘crush’ phase or expressing interest… then almost immediately into (by ‘furry standards’) we’re ‘mates’ now. Some people go from say meeting someone at a con and then almost immediately after into the whole “we’re mates now” phase too, completely bypassing the whole dating thing in general which baffles me. What happened to the really getting to know someone? The candle lit dinners, and things like that… Now people seem to rush, rush, rush… Not willing to put the time/effort to making a lasting bond... One that will test the trials of time itself. It seems that the whole ‘mate’ thing is not as highly regarded as I tend to view it as. It seems a lot use the word "mate" to refer to the bf or gf in general... I don't, but then again I tend to view things differently I guess. To me I look at the word ‘mate’ very different than most I guess. I see a mate as pretty much the deepest phase a relationship goes; that is pretty much the equivalent of marriage in a sense, where it seems now most think that a ‘mate’ is when you’re pretty much dating…
I’ve been in a few relationships and they take time and effort. I mean the internet can help some keeping communication, especially for long distance relationships, but I guess it also helps to perpetuate this whole going instantly to we’re ‘mates’ for some people. Communication is one thing, but that doesn’t substitute actual in person contact, and being together (believe me I know this from experience in long distance relationships), actually dating, and getting to know one another vs. in text and stuff. You might think you know someone, but text only goes so far in indicating emotion etc...
I’m guessing perhaps people are that desperate to try to have it get to that ‘mate’ level, or perhaps it’s just a label now instead of the whole boyfriend / girlfriend stage. I don’t know… I’ve been trying to open up to the whole dating/relationship thing in general as I’ve really not been in one since 2006 roughly. It’s not that I haven’t been ‘on the market’ per say… I’ve just been unsure some even of what exactly I want in a relationship. So therein I guess giving off vibes of not being interested which isn’t the case at all. I’ve just really needed people to give me a bit more time to warm up to things as I’m not one to just dive head first into something. I have a lot of things I need to work on myself, but willing to do so with someone by my side with me. I’ve gone through a lot of ups and downs, sometimes feeling very lonely wondering if there is anyone out there… those kinds of thoughts on relationships. Unfortunately I also go through times where I’m kind of happy not to be in one as they can be great, but can be a lot of work… Not necessarily a bad thing because usually good things are worth working at, and waiting for, but it also takes compromises and things like that.
I kind of look at a relationship going through these stages:
• Pre-Dating Phase
◦ Expressing ‘interest’
◦ Doesn’t mean with anyone ‘yet’
◦ Figuring out if there is a connection
• Dating Phase
◦ Going out with someone
◦ Feeling out the other person more than the Pre-Dating Phase
◦ Seeing if from the connection if there is a bond
• Relationship Phase
◦ Actually ‘together’ with someone, more than dating (usually meaning not seeing anyone else: depending on things like open relationships, or to some "multiple mates" -- Me? I'm monogamous, but was stating a few of some other schools of thought.)
◦ Seeing if the bond formed is deeper and more committed
• Mate Phase
◦ Full commitment to one another
◦ Deepest bond shared – equivalent to marriage
I recently made a LJ post titled “One’s Pack”, with this same kind of outline, but felt like cross posting some of that here to my FA journal here as I hardly post here to this journal or any journal really… I need to do better about that in general, to try to keep up with people and stuff.
The time between stages is not really set; it more depends on what both sides feel comfortable with. It just seems to me that some people want to rush to the end stages without dealing with the rest of what in my opinion ‘should’ be going on. Perhaps I’m a bit ‘too’ cautious? I mean I am nowhere near perfect… and with being cautious perhaps coming off as pushing people aside or not interested, which as I said before is not the case.... I'm just very apprehensive and kinda getting reacquainted to the whole dating game in general. I've also been very adverse to the whole long distance relationship thing... Some perhaps just being overwhelmed a bit when I’m trying to open up to even the first stages even getting to the dating stage. I had a few express some interest roughly at the same time and I did kinda feel a bit overwhelmed to say the least... All while trying to feel out myself about even wanting a relationship. Hind sight I probably should've taken a plunge? I don't know... *sighs*
A lot of this stems from my own past relationships and what I've learned from them. Being bi is annoying sometimes... Both have their ups/downs, drama... including myself. It broadens some aspects, but you have to be versatile and open... It also leaves you more open and susceptible to be hurt... The worst thing I can think of is being with say a girl and then be like "I'm sorry I want to be with a guy now...", or vice versa... I've been dealing with a bit of that, some unsure of what I want and not wanting to put someone through that kind of anguish. I just wish that people would kinda bear with me... It isn't that I don't want someone to join me by my side or vice versa... For when I am 'with' someone... that is 'who' I am with, and no one else. Till things end, but definitely don't want that to happen, as one never really wants their relationship to go sour. You won't catch me trying to jump at someone else... I guess I’m more a romantic at heart… I do prefer things to go a little slow paced, for things to feel ‘comfortable’ because I really do want to make sure that everything is right before getting to that end phase.
A lot of why I think I fall back into wishing I had someone is that I see other people with their significant others and sometimes wish I had someone like that on ‘that’ kind of level as closer than ‘just’ a friend. To put it into music, or put that kind of spin on it... The song by Sting “Fragile” is kinda appropriate… *chuckles* That's the way I feel some, so very fragile in general. I'm strong in some regards, but not so in others. I tend to think I have a tough exterior, but inside not so much. Maybe a bit hard to read and stuff. Perhaps though I over-think things and over-analyze. I know others who do and I am guilty of such myself. I’m not trying to push anyone away, it’s mostly me trying to get used to and feel comfortable with the whole dating/relationship thing, and obviously people are not willing to wait in general. I need to do a bit better as well showing my own interest... I'm just not real good at times, sometimes being oblivious and also not the best person to catch flirting and not the best at flirting myself. Truthfully I think I’m definitely a little ‘afraid’ most of that stemming from previous relationships that have failed and not really wanting to go through more failure.
In my opinion, good things come to those who wait. I am not in a rush to find someone. I hope that someone "finds" me again, or maybe me inadvertently stumble into something. Not meaning I am not going to be looking per say, but seems relationships tend to happen when you're 'not' looking for them. I'm going to focus on the things I can change like my current job situation. I'm working on doing better and trying not to be so afraid to allow someone that close again. Other things... I'm contemplating going back and getting a masters degree to help with the job situation. I'm not too too worried on the whole love/relationship thing. If it happens, it happens, and I'm not going to try to care much one way or the other. It is worth something pursuing, but pursuing properly. I mean the other school of thought is going in and out of relationships at a fast pace. That's just not the way I do things.
There are some things that need that 'leap of faith', when the time comes, but it isn't something to just rush into. You get more heartache that way and a road full of shattered dreams, in hopes of finding that one. I don't live life waiting for that 'one' . People shouldn't depend on finding that 'one' to complete them. Everyone should be complete themselves, and when able to add someone into their life can be a definite life changer. I hope to find that again at some point. I have a good idea what it is that I'd like... I'm just not one to go rushing in to be hurt like I have in the past. I just hope people understand where it is I am coming from...
I think I've taken up more than enough of your time if you've read this entire thing. I thank you and all. Just know that this is me kinda rambling around with thoughts in my head. Have technically been writing this post for quite a while now, but just hadn't up and posted it yet.
But it's not just relationships. It's everything. This is the generation that grew up with microwave dinners, overnight express delivery, and cable internet. Everything here and now. Right now.
Though, from what we see here. I can think of a couple reasons. One, perhaps since they've been in a socially outcast for most of their lives in schools that they want to feel loved if they feel it themselves so they rushed in when they get the chance because they'll never know if they'll ever get it. And another is that since 2012 is getting nearer. Many people just want to find love before Doomsday arrives. :P
Still, I guess it did take time. We didn't become "mates" over night, so your basic point stands.
You go with what your heart tells you and don't worry about your friends or possible interests you have, have to say. It IS good to know who your interests really are and what they're into beforehand more most of the time.... (not everything everything granted.. but definitely if they have the same moral standards and favorite hobbies... stuff like that) especially if you're going for the long run, and even more so if you're already having 'relations' with that person. That opens up a new level to be hurt on.
If they're going for 'Oh yay a new person to play with for the now' then that's their business tho too. Just because someone else may have different views on how to start and keep relationships doesn't mean its wrong. <3
I guess I ride the fence on that too, but I'm married so.. I guess I hope what I had to say helped you in a way Khyle.
It's something I see frequently in the Fandom, and really in life in general. Though there seems to be certain individuals in the fandom that are serial Mate-For-Lifeists, where everyone that they're with (frequently only for several months, but some even less than that,) is the only person they will ever love, and the only person that they ever REALLY loved. Soul Mates and all that. I think it may have to do with the youth and inexperience than anything else.
This also seems to be an epidemic of sorts in the US generally, which would certainly account for the high divorce rate, with people rushing into marriages with someone they never bothered to actually get to know. I have other theories about that which I'll not bother to expound upon at the moment as, like your post, this would become far, FAR too long.
On the topic of flirting, I daresay you're more of a flirt than you give yourself credit for.
As for sometimes feeling like a nut, sometimes not, it helps to have a significant other that's willing to let you indulge your feelings, so long as you allow them to keep their feeling of Primacy in the relationship. "Hey, look, you know how I feel about you, but I'm gonna go fuck her because she's hot and has tits. When I'm done, I'll come back to you and your cock and we'll rock out for the rest of the weekend. 'Kay?"
I thank you for a lot of your insight. I've just definitely been unsure of things in general... A lot of that's been where I've been unsure of even pursuing a relationship in general. Believe me it'd be nice to have that kind of support at times of someone who is closer than 'just a friend'... but then again... It doesn't seem to be my lot in life. I may be a bit blind to things at times too, sometimes Mr. Oblivious as it were. I'm working on seeing things in a more optimistic light... along with other things I'm trying to work on about myself. The one thing one can change is how one reacts to a situation and such...
Perhaps I'm a bit hard on myself in general. I thank you for your thoughts on being more than I give credit for. Means a lot.
You definitely have given me a lot of food for thought. It is most appreciated.
People are so concerned with finding the one. There is no One. There are Onessssssssssss. Also, there's no one out there that will fit you perfectly, but there's people out there that have flaws you're willing to overlook, that's your Price of Admission as it were. In the end, there really is no One, just people that are close enough that you're willing to Round Up to One, and you have to hope that they're willing to do the same.
Thanks again for these tidbits, perhaps I should listen to this guy! :)
The guy's popular.
Hopefully ill get to know Coopertom more and more as well when we meet and spend time together. just sucks that we are far away from each other, but there are a lot of things i really like about him though. The way his voice sounds, the way he says "OMG!!" to the way he stands in pictures. These are just some of the little things i notice that grab my attention quickly about him.
I guess im just a hopeless romantic LOL
Just going through one of those lonely times and it'll pass. I think winter is just one of those times. Jealous? Not really. It's kinda sad after her getting with someone we actually had a deep conversation concerning things of a deep nature just here recently. That is why I made that statement, as I feel I some wasn't really given a chance, but hey I should've handled things differently as well. It's not all 'my' fault. *shrugs* Hind sight is 20/20. Lessons learned for next time.
You have your own issues to deal with. Believe me I know about the whole give and take, as any deep bond requires work. No one's perfect. It's not all on one person's shoulders. I've my own cross and burdens to bear and not putting that upon anyone else. I own up to my own flaws. I'm more than willing to work things out, there's always some middle ground that has to be reached in anything including just a friendship or deeper ties.
Hey khyle, i remember u, u wore your suit at my house. You had a lot of words for how you fit in relationships.... to me its this simple. A relationship is about having fun, and doing fun things with two people. Both people need to figure out what they like, and when two people like the same stuff, they can do it at their own pace in their own way. Not everyone is the same, so people will have different views on what they want or will do. If you overthink it, you will miss the greater picture: A relationship should ultimately be enjoyed. If its not that, you're doing it wrong.
I'm certainly in no rush to get into a relationship, but if it happens, it happens. If it don't anytime soon, then oh well. I'm gonna at least have some fun while I'm alive, and just keep it in the back of my mind that there must be someone out there for me. All I can do is keep my eyes open and continue meeting and talking to new people until I cross paths with that "one" that will make my heart flutter, and hopefully we will both know once we meet. And even then, I plan to take things at a modest pace. As the saying goes, "slow is smooth, smooth is fast." ^_^
To me if things happen they happen but I'm not living life just for that one. Imop one should be complete themselves before letting someone else in. You can't expect someone else to fix you. Thanks for your insight. It is definitely appreciated.
I was in a relationship for almost 5 years with someone. It was a relationship, I guess a good one.. Ups and Downs.. But it was my first. I've never been on a date, And even with my ex, many times, it almost felt like we were "Bros".
2 Years later, i haven't really had a second Mate. Kinda did for a few weeks, but that was more I was being pressured into it and couldn't find a good enough reason to say no. But I've got one thing. When I do find that person, i know my standards are High. It needs to be a person who can handle me, and who I am... And.. more importantly, someone who can make me feel special.
I've had a theory though, about the way of Furry relationships. It actually stems more from the gay community. Since gays can't marry, it's a missing step in the relationship process. So For many, relationship status is more binary. You either are, or are not. There is interest, maybe even friendship.. and into a relationship. Titles are switched around freely: boyfriends, Significant other, partner, mate... Husband? Wife? No... there is no merrage.. so you hit that "in relationship" bit, and be it 6 months or 60 years, the status never really changes.
So we come to the fandom, where most people wear their emotions on their sleeves, Love and Lust are interchangeable, and it's harder to get a good meal, than a good lay... The "Relationship Bit" is thrown about willy nilly. On top of that... You're post also seems to work with friends too. At least in my life. I have a hard enough time landing, good trustworthy friends, let alone a life partner.
Either way, I'd prefer to do the dating of someone one day, Even you. I like where your head is. It's too bad very few people reside in the same space.
I personally have run into FAR too many of these and my interest in them poofs shortly thereafter. I once went on a dinner outing with a guy, (it wasn't a date) but he was in his mid 30's. After getting seated in an almost empty restaurant and having our orders taken the guy puts on headphones, pulls out his IPod and ignored me for the rest of the time we were there. He was more interested in playing with his fricken toy than talking to me, it was extremely insensitive and rude and I have never hung out him again since then.
We live in a world where it seems the collective maturity of society in general is that of a pre teen where everything is " Me me me, now now now!" Its amazing to me that one of my former cuddle buddies could sleep around with no problems. But then when you tried to kiss the guy he pushed you away and said not to do so because its "emotional". It seems that the polarity is reversed, according to this guy sex is not as meaningful as a kiss nowadays. In my parent's time a kiss wasn't as meaningful as sex, which was the ultimate expression of love for a partner.
I have run into a couple of guys who have wanted to sleep with me but they were after full out sex. While I may have found them attractive I could not bring myself to actually do anything with them because I didn't know them, nor did I want to do anything like that with them because I'm more along the lines of being old school, ( I couldn't bring myself to do that kind of thing with anyone who wasn't a significant other.) Most of my friendships in the past have been one way only, I did most of the work to contact, set up activities and they would rarely ever call or return visit.
Mate-ship is a title that is thrown around far too often by furs these days, I don't think many of them fully understand what it is. In my observations I have seen many who say they are mates but in reality are friends with benefits. I have seen a 4 year relationship with two adjoining friendships crash and burn in the past few months. Mainly because one party was too immature to see that their fooling around and lying was hurting everyone they liked and has since discarded them like they were used garbage. There are times when I wished that I had someone, but know that it would probably be hard for me to get used to it if I actually found someone and lived with them.
One of the biggest problems with society now is that it has lost its moral compass and as a result the love of the general good has cooled off in the past 50 years. Bad is the new good and the race to the bottom seems to be more common than trying to climb to the top. Civilization as we know it is in serious jeopardy and the diminishing in the meaning of good relationships and cheap instant gratification is a symptom of a much larger illness.
I never really dated much in highschool myself... It really wasn't till here in my 20's that anyone at all expressed interest. Then after things I haven't been in a relationship for about 4yrs so it's all kinda new again so to speak.
I see people around me who flit from one relationship to another and I just can't see myself doing that. I'm not a glutton for punishment. I love what you said about climbing to the top and others at the bottom. I never plan on the meaning of a relationship diminish to me. I may be a little old fashioned in many regards but perhaps that's one of my strong points, or at least I'd like to think so. You seem to be of that same school of thought.
I find it interesting about that one person and a kiss. To some it's casual to others it's not. Same as to some about sex. To me it isn't a casual thing, but to some it is. Each person having their own moral standards. I personally say keep your high standards, I plan on keeping mine. There are some things that can be compromised on, but you shouldn't have to sully yourself to be with someone.
One day you will find somebody.