Oh wow, been ages and ages since I did a real journal entry. I guess between Twitter, and status updates on Facebook really putting down a solid journal is more difficult.

All in all this year has really sucked. I guess that's a little harsh, and probably an exaggeration, never the less, it feels true enough. Don't get me wrong, there have been a few ups too, or at least rebounds to off set the bad a little bit.

January...
January had the convention in San Jose, and the party.... oh wow the party... cheerleaders dancing in the windows, FB2K dancing in his suit, Blue being an awesome DJ. All in all the con ranked around a 8.5. I missed Mike a bit, I didn't get to spend much time with Scot or Travis from Oregon, Or Aaron. There was quite a bit of fighting between me and Josh. But I met a pretty cool guy named Sean and spent a few hours with him just chatting it up in the hotel lobby. LOL met a otter from Monterrey that I got to feed a few pieces of fish too. LOL that was great. Also Saturday night of the con, a group of us bailed on the con and hit up a performance in Oakland. Got to see Eddie Izzard Live again. This was the second time I've been to see him, the first was a small performance in Scottsdale, when he was working on some new material.
The shows were completely different, of course I liked the small show better, it seemed more personable and close, compared to the show in a huge arena with god knows how many ppl.
So January really started off good, until I got back to work after the convention.
The Hotel charged me 1000 dollars for the stains in the carpet, both from my punch punch, and from patricks diesel fuel. But pat paid half so it helped.
I guess at some point in time before I left for San Jose I upset a nurse on 5CD at GS. I was drawing a ABG on a ETOH patient, and he was flailing around. And I said “don't move darn it” I know this exactly what I said, because I was quoted in the write up as saying it. Long Story short, I handed in my resignation to Jimmy and left GS. I didn't get fired, I didn't storm out screaming and yelling, I left under semi-amenable terms. Little did I know how bad this was going to be. If I had been fired, I would have to make an appearance in front of the Board, risking my license, but I could have gotten unemployment, maybe. Hindsight 20/20...

Feburary
Can't find a job, looking every day, applying at every new job I see, savings being depleted.

March
Found job 20 some miles away, and then another 15 miles away, things start looking up. Barnes Jewish Hosptial in St. Louis sends me information saying they are interested in me. I interview 4 or 5 times over the phone, they love me. They fly me to St. Louis for 2 days of interviews and tours, pay for my hotel and my flight. Only to get back home and hear they didn't want me. Talk about crushing, BJH had everything I was looking for, teaching hospital, trauma center, and no children.

June
figure out that the job at Mercy Gilbert is a joke, nothing but power plays there, all the supervisors are just infighting children, its almost non stop, bashing each other, kissing each others butts. The management just vie for popularity, and bonuses. They don’t' care about the employees, just making that dough. I pissed the wrong person off by asking to many “why” questions, and it just went down hill from there. I quit MGMC in October, to focus my attention on JCL. JCL is a pretty good hospital, very forward thinking as far as respiratory goes. The RT department, drops A-Lines, PICC lines, they can intubate, it's pretty cool, I’m sorry I don’t' work there anymore. But thats a good thing.... sorta.

July
summer time means almost NO hours for respiratory, I make a few extra dollars because some ppl went on vacation, but I couldn't go home again for the second year. I really miss some of my family, mom says my grandparents are getting really sick and I need to come home soon... they celebrated year 65 together but again I couldn’t' make it home to celebrate with them.

August
pretty much the same, still not getting hours at work, still barely getting buy. But now more issues are popping up. Fighting with roommate more, about bills and money, I have to ask for help to pay some of my bills, and this made things nasty, not going to get into that line of thought, but I have learned another lesson about bending over backwards to help people out.
My birthday, number 33 was here. I spend the after noon with a counselor being told I’m arrogant and condescending to people, but then I was able to spend the evening with a complete stranger from Denver, It was really a good time, it was very nice, I was sad to see him go back to Denver, he really kicked it off with some of my friends.

September
at this point in the journal i'm getting way to burned out on it, September was just the same as the last few months, barely getting enuogh money to get by, more fighting with Owen, until we moved out. At which point, I was blocked on AIM, YIM, FA, and XBL. Accidentally of course, I’ve talked to Owen and we've reconnected, but I don’t' think I’m going to waste my time asking for his half of the last bills. Collections has them now, I’ll just pay them when I can. I moved in with Sean, its not great by any stretch of the imagination. I'm apart from everybody, I live in the ghetto, work is 20 miles away. I've lost all my personal space. Its Seans house, he wants to just Hang out in my room and chat, I feel bad, but how do I say, “give me my space in your house?” sean is bending over backwards to help me out. And without him, i'd prolly be headed hoem to Indiana to live with my mom..... *shudders*

October
same as September, still no hours, still barely getting buy, rent gets paid, but I get 3 or so calls every day from different collection agencies. By this point i'm so depressed and low, I dont' want to talk to my friends, I don't want to see people, I dread the question “how are you?” the answer is always the same choice, Lie, or tell the truth and have to explain everything. I quit Mercy Gilbert so I could focus my time on JCL.. I end up signing up for 6 days a week, only to get 4 hours in a single week. Hell I only got 4 hours cause somebody called in sick. I've started looking for new jobs, but there are not many positions in Arizona.

November.
Here I am now, I finally found a new job, it's a college clinical teacher. I'm excited, but very very nervous. This year has been horrible, and while I’ve already had 1 day of work and sat in on a meeting, I refuse to accept that I have the job until I sign papers. I ask JCL if I can go down to 1 day a pay period, I don’t' want to lose any clinical skills... they say no and ask for my resignation. It was such an awesome job, I miss It already. I hope if this job fail they'll let me come back.... but I doubt it.

Some things I forget when they happened, I got into a pretty public fight with a friend, I said things that I felt were true, but worded poorly, so I ended up being blocked from his stuff and he refused any sort of interaction with me. (this might be resoling slowly, we talked a little at a party, and I’m glad to say we twitter each other again. LOL) found a really awesome guy to chat with... straight. (this actually has happened 3 times now) Crushed on one guy that turned into a massive slut, that really hurt my feelings, but nothing I can really do about it.


Here I am, burned out, depressed, withdrawn, crushing on the wrong people, going father and father deeper into debt, and I’m totally lost. I just don't know what to do. Every day is an anxiety attack, i'm covering and faking as best I can, but I’m so just... totally lost. This job has to come through, or i'm going to start applying at burger kings again...