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Not in a good mental state
15 years ago
I've had a pretty awful day, and it's only 11.
Today I had a midterm in Biomechanics. I haven't been doing very well in Biomechanics the whole time, but it really just hit me today. First there was the test. I was annoyed because some people just kept doing the test like 5 minutes after I had. Time was called like 15 minutes earlier, and it kinda seemed like they were really gonna collect it soon. I hate this class. Secondly, one of my classmates told me I should have taken a class that I like with a teacher that I like that I didn't know about instead of this class which I hate with the teacher that I hate that I did know about. Not helpful. Then there was the knowledge that of all the classes I could take next semester to fill this requirement, there's one I haven't taken and it requires the class I'm taking now. Then there was realizing how my family will react to this, me possibly not graduating, they've already been down my neck about my future and my plans.
I was biking to the Union. It's rainy out and there was a lot of water on the ground. I was thinking a million miles a minute on how screwed I was and how hard it's gonna be explaining all this to my family. And I just accelerated. Straight ahead. I wanted to crash into the concrete Union and snap my neck and die.
And then, then I thought of
aurathewolf. And I knew I had to live. I knew I couldn't cause her that level of pain, I just couldn't. I knew she was going to have hard times in the future and I knew I'd have to be there for her. And most of all, the most important thing, is that I knew that she makes me want to live. So I stopped pedaling and turned a bit and eased on to the brakes.
And it probably wouldn't have worked anyway. Worst case, I probably would have ended up in the hospital. Best case, I probably would have ended up a bit dazed, maybe with my bike wrecked. But that doesn't matter, what matters is that I wanted to.
And then, I didn't. Afterwards, all the reasons, all the things I wanted to do flooded back into my brain. All the friends who would be hurt, all the people who might really need me in the future. All my goals, all my ambitions, all my dreams.
But the only thing that made that connection in time, the thing that stopped me, the thing that made me care again, that was her. I feel like, this time anyway, none of the other stuff would have crossed my brain in time.
So, if I hadn't already, I owe her my life, and if I had, I owe her it one more time over.
And I'm glad for my resiliency and the fact that five minutes later I was joking about it. I'm glad for the people I offloaded to at the forum, and I'm glad that my mood has mostly returned to normal. I recognize it could spike downwards pretty much at any point. But at least now, I'm okay.
I think.
Glad I have the psychologist this evening.
Today I had a midterm in Biomechanics. I haven't been doing very well in Biomechanics the whole time, but it really just hit me today. First there was the test. I was annoyed because some people just kept doing the test like 5 minutes after I had. Time was called like 15 minutes earlier, and it kinda seemed like they were really gonna collect it soon. I hate this class. Secondly, one of my classmates told me I should have taken a class that I like with a teacher that I like that I didn't know about instead of this class which I hate with the teacher that I hate that I did know about. Not helpful. Then there was the knowledge that of all the classes I could take next semester to fill this requirement, there's one I haven't taken and it requires the class I'm taking now. Then there was realizing how my family will react to this, me possibly not graduating, they've already been down my neck about my future and my plans.
I was biking to the Union. It's rainy out and there was a lot of water on the ground. I was thinking a million miles a minute on how screwed I was and how hard it's gonna be explaining all this to my family. And I just accelerated. Straight ahead. I wanted to crash into the concrete Union and snap my neck and die.
And then, then I thought of
aurathewolf. And I knew I had to live. I knew I couldn't cause her that level of pain, I just couldn't. I knew she was going to have hard times in the future and I knew I'd have to be there for her. And most of all, the most important thing, is that I knew that she makes me want to live. So I stopped pedaling and turned a bit and eased on to the brakes.And it probably wouldn't have worked anyway. Worst case, I probably would have ended up in the hospital. Best case, I probably would have ended up a bit dazed, maybe with my bike wrecked. But that doesn't matter, what matters is that I wanted to.
And then, I didn't. Afterwards, all the reasons, all the things I wanted to do flooded back into my brain. All the friends who would be hurt, all the people who might really need me in the future. All my goals, all my ambitions, all my dreams.
But the only thing that made that connection in time, the thing that stopped me, the thing that made me care again, that was her. I feel like, this time anyway, none of the other stuff would have crossed my brain in time.
So, if I hadn't already, I owe her my life, and if I had, I owe her it one more time over.
And I'm glad for my resiliency and the fact that five minutes later I was joking about it. I'm glad for the people I offloaded to at the forum, and I'm glad that my mood has mostly returned to normal. I recognize it could spike downwards pretty much at any point. But at least now, I'm okay.
I think.
Glad I have the psychologist this evening.
