So this morning I had an appointment with one of the specialists my GP referred me to. I've seen her before, in emerg, she preformed my gastroscopy and had tossed it off as just being my inflamed duodenum. She was also the one who didn't bother reading my chart and what I was allergic to, gave me penicillian for H.Pylori..then had me and the pharmacy calling for two weeks saying she has to change it but she like ignored the calls or some such. She also ignored my doctors request to see me in the OR in Oct, and when in the appointment seems to have forgotten she was the one that booked me for a CT Scan. So I can't say I went to the appointment feeling extremely good about it, but I went hoping that maybe now after almost four months of severe pain she'd maybe see something. Instead I get lectured about my depression. Now I've had depression since I was 13, and if oyu have depression or know someone with it, you know it will always be a passenger in your life. I can't say I had an easy time with it, it surfaced after I had to watch my dad die painfully of Liver Cancer, and I am prone to it with ALOT of family history. Anyways, I know where I stand with my Depression, I know by now how it effects me physically and this just really doesn't seem to be that. Let alone my GP has known me since I was a toddler, and has been their through it all, he wouldn't go through the trouble of referring me if it was just a depression thing, not to mention my psychiatrist I've been seeing knows I am in pain. Oh thats the kicker, the Surgeon I saw today wanted to call my shrink, like I needed a reference. I cried...when she was asking all this, I started crying, cause I knew what was coming and I already felt like she was treating me like some crazy depressed person making it all up for attention. When I started crying she gave me the holier then thou look and was like, "Oh it doesn't look like your depression is any better does it?" Of course fucking not! I've been in pain for nearly 4 months! And when I said that she got into how your brain and body are connected and just saying how she was going to call my psychiatrist and I should be more active. By now I was balling....I had to sit in her office and try to calm myself down, and her receptionist brought me the stuff for a colonscopy and I left. Soon as I left I couldn't stop myself from crying, I had never felt that low with myself in awhile...no one knows how hard it is to have that attached to you, depression. And to be in pain and to have no one take it seriously because of that, when I am already struggling with everyday life is just heart wrenching. I tried to get a hold of my mom but she was working so I ended up calling my doctors office which was nearby, tried to hold myself together but started balling again. Receptionist told me just to come in, so I did and she sat me in the backroom to wait for my doctor. When he came in I told him the story, and you could tell he wasn't pleased, but he can't really bad mouth a college. He said she crossed a line, that her job was surgery not psychiatry and she should not have brought that up and just done her job. That he felt she hadn't taken me seriously since day one but he had to try, and not to worry about having to do the colonoscopy with her and the other specialist he referred me to was better at it anyways and just to wait for him. Made me feel a little better, but I have to say she really hurt my feelings....I know my psychiatrist when she calls will stick up for me, after who knows how many shrinks I've been to this one is great, and she knows I've been in pain and she knows the pain is not connected to my depression, cause truly Its been one step forward then two giant steps back for this pain.

Ugh, just stressful. I went out and bought myself a new pair of Skullcandy headphones to make myself feel better...they are purple.