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I have officially gone a little crazy
15 years ago
General
I needed to vent a little about my frustrations with the holiday season. It has been three months of hell. I am so so so happy Christmas has ended. I may have a chance to take my life back. It has been the busiest year to date for me. I started off with two jobs, and it feels like I have not had so much as a weeks worth of time to myself for the entire year. I am already in the process of fixing my problems, so this is more of a catharsis. I don't like to whine. I feel that almost every individual has the ability to change their situation. This is simply my venting for the sake of venting.
What the hell time is it?
This December it finally happened. I lost all concept of time.
It is not my crazy work schedule alone that made this happened. It was a combination of odd circumstance, bad timing, horrible quality of sleep, caffeine addiction, and forced social interaction based around "normal" schedules.
First thing, coffee.
I have what most creative people have, an unhealthy addiction to stimulants. But given the addiction cycle off caffeine I am a slave to the clock. Meaning I can't go to sleep if I have not had my coffee at the right time. If I choose to ignore this, I am forced awake only a few hours later with a splitting headache. Causing a catch 22.. drink more coffee to cure the addiction, but be too wired to sleep. Or lose sleep to an addiction headache, and lose a day of productivity. I didn't have the luxury to take 3 detox days out in the middle of December to fix the issue.
I also have been doing lots of selling on Craigslist. I wanted to get rid of clutter, and buy some fancy new equipment.The drawback is that most people on Craigslist operate on normal time. So I would be getting called in the middle of my sleep cycle just for some moron forgetting what item he called me for. Asking me to remind him what I am selling. Then, dealing with less than punctual individuals that you need to stay awake for, and hope they buy your items. They come to your house up to 3 hours late, then try to talk you down in price after they already agreed on one before they even left their own house. They never have enough cash on them, and after they insult your intelligence with haggling they want to hang out and chat. If I wanted to talk I would have posted in the personals.
Of course you have my crazy work schedule. This is one of the things I justify the most. I work crazy hours on purpose. I have an easy time getting distracted by the things and people around me. weather it be a house project that needs attention, or just talking to old friends on facebook. I choose to work odd hours to minimize the times I could be distracted. I refuse to shop at Wal Mart, so I have no reason to leave the house at 4 AM. Meaning pure work time. Nobody is up, nothing is open, and I can't be loud in the house. This comes at a cost. I have not had a day off in a very long time. I don't get to sleep in as much as you think. As many of my normal obligations come into play during normal business hours I have to make sure I am up and out the door while I have a chance to do even the most basic of things. Mail, food, shopping, errands, banking, talking to customers. Even though I am up at 7 or 8 AM some things do not open to until 11AM. Meaning I would not get a chance to be home until as late as 1 or 2 PM. That will put me at 30 to 32 hours without sleep if the conditions are right.
Then sleep itself. I have never been a sound sleeper. I toss, and turn all night. Worse, lately I have been suffering from sleep paralyses almost nightly. I can't even go a two day stretch without having that almost alien abduction list of symptoms anytime I so much as lay down to rest. If you have never had sleep paralysis, let me explain what it feels like. Imagine you are in your bed. You can look around your room, and you know you are in your room. Now, at this point you are partially asleep. You don't know it, but you are. You see the world around you, and in that state you know you are awake.. but the reality, you are in limbo. A state between two separate states of comprehension. Awake in a dream, and convinced you are awake. You cannot move, you cannot scream, and you cannot look away. Most of the time you feel like you are in danger. Like there is something in your room with you. An unshakable feeling of ominous presents. The only instinct you have is to break free of that hold.. so you thrash about as hard as you can, and eventually you wake up in cold sweat. Terrified, and confused you turn the lights on to discover you have only been asleep for 30 to 40 minutes, but you have to start all over again. It's pretty lame. I have an entire drawer full of 5htp, Valerian root, melatonin, l-tryptiphan.. it sometimes can make it worse.
Don't forget parties, friends, and time with your family. The times I am more than happy to be awake for. As hard as I see myself trying, on the outside It looks as if I am a total recluse. If time with friends is less than perfect I feel like I am letting people down. I know real friends understand, but I hate to abuse that understanding. It's how you eventually loose real friends. My sister is about to have twins. I do worry about being there for my family. I have always had a bad reputation for being around the least. I really want to make sure I do not keep that. I think one of the worst problems I face in this is loneliness. As much as I try to be around I find myself constantly alone. I am around people, but connecting with someone on deeper levels has been hard. Not to say that I haven't connected with people, not at all. It's more that some of the the relationships I have are now complicated with my business, and others are not given my attention back. This month it was really bad, with so many people close to me away. I made a real effort to be there for my sisters sonograms, the Christmas parties, and as many opportunities to get out as I could. All the while working to make up for lost time. It wears down on you to try your best, but look just as bad anyway.
This has left me in a state devoid of way point. I sacrifice sleep to keep up with the world, but in the end there is just not enough time in the day. I miss the days of boredom. I feel like I am in a constant state of running behind, and I think the last 3 months has everything to do with it. I am hopeful that everyone had a wonderful holiday season. I also hope that nobody holds it against me when I say I am glad to see it go.
My new years resolution?
Regain my sanity.
Hope you had an awesome Christmas!
-Jeff
What the hell time is it?
This December it finally happened. I lost all concept of time.
It is not my crazy work schedule alone that made this happened. It was a combination of odd circumstance, bad timing, horrible quality of sleep, caffeine addiction, and forced social interaction based around "normal" schedules.
First thing, coffee.
I have what most creative people have, an unhealthy addiction to stimulants. But given the addiction cycle off caffeine I am a slave to the clock. Meaning I can't go to sleep if I have not had my coffee at the right time. If I choose to ignore this, I am forced awake only a few hours later with a splitting headache. Causing a catch 22.. drink more coffee to cure the addiction, but be too wired to sleep. Or lose sleep to an addiction headache, and lose a day of productivity. I didn't have the luxury to take 3 detox days out in the middle of December to fix the issue.
I also have been doing lots of selling on Craigslist. I wanted to get rid of clutter, and buy some fancy new equipment.The drawback is that most people on Craigslist operate on normal time. So I would be getting called in the middle of my sleep cycle just for some moron forgetting what item he called me for. Asking me to remind him what I am selling. Then, dealing with less than punctual individuals that you need to stay awake for, and hope they buy your items. They come to your house up to 3 hours late, then try to talk you down in price after they already agreed on one before they even left their own house. They never have enough cash on them, and after they insult your intelligence with haggling they want to hang out and chat. If I wanted to talk I would have posted in the personals.
Of course you have my crazy work schedule. This is one of the things I justify the most. I work crazy hours on purpose. I have an easy time getting distracted by the things and people around me. weather it be a house project that needs attention, or just talking to old friends on facebook. I choose to work odd hours to minimize the times I could be distracted. I refuse to shop at Wal Mart, so I have no reason to leave the house at 4 AM. Meaning pure work time. Nobody is up, nothing is open, and I can't be loud in the house. This comes at a cost. I have not had a day off in a very long time. I don't get to sleep in as much as you think. As many of my normal obligations come into play during normal business hours I have to make sure I am up and out the door while I have a chance to do even the most basic of things. Mail, food, shopping, errands, banking, talking to customers. Even though I am up at 7 or 8 AM some things do not open to until 11AM. Meaning I would not get a chance to be home until as late as 1 or 2 PM. That will put me at 30 to 32 hours without sleep if the conditions are right.
Then sleep itself. I have never been a sound sleeper. I toss, and turn all night. Worse, lately I have been suffering from sleep paralyses almost nightly. I can't even go a two day stretch without having that almost alien abduction list of symptoms anytime I so much as lay down to rest. If you have never had sleep paralysis, let me explain what it feels like. Imagine you are in your bed. You can look around your room, and you know you are in your room. Now, at this point you are partially asleep. You don't know it, but you are. You see the world around you, and in that state you know you are awake.. but the reality, you are in limbo. A state between two separate states of comprehension. Awake in a dream, and convinced you are awake. You cannot move, you cannot scream, and you cannot look away. Most of the time you feel like you are in danger. Like there is something in your room with you. An unshakable feeling of ominous presents. The only instinct you have is to break free of that hold.. so you thrash about as hard as you can, and eventually you wake up in cold sweat. Terrified, and confused you turn the lights on to discover you have only been asleep for 30 to 40 minutes, but you have to start all over again. It's pretty lame. I have an entire drawer full of 5htp, Valerian root, melatonin, l-tryptiphan.. it sometimes can make it worse.
Don't forget parties, friends, and time with your family. The times I am more than happy to be awake for. As hard as I see myself trying, on the outside It looks as if I am a total recluse. If time with friends is less than perfect I feel like I am letting people down. I know real friends understand, but I hate to abuse that understanding. It's how you eventually loose real friends. My sister is about to have twins. I do worry about being there for my family. I have always had a bad reputation for being around the least. I really want to make sure I do not keep that. I think one of the worst problems I face in this is loneliness. As much as I try to be around I find myself constantly alone. I am around people, but connecting with someone on deeper levels has been hard. Not to say that I haven't connected with people, not at all. It's more that some of the the relationships I have are now complicated with my business, and others are not given my attention back. This month it was really bad, with so many people close to me away. I made a real effort to be there for my sisters sonograms, the Christmas parties, and as many opportunities to get out as I could. All the while working to make up for lost time. It wears down on you to try your best, but look just as bad anyway.
This has left me in a state devoid of way point. I sacrifice sleep to keep up with the world, but in the end there is just not enough time in the day. I miss the days of boredom. I feel like I am in a constant state of running behind, and I think the last 3 months has everything to do with it. I am hopeful that everyone had a wonderful holiday season. I also hope that nobody holds it against me when I say I am glad to see it go.
My new years resolution?
Regain my sanity.
Hope you had an awesome Christmas!
-Jeff
