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Thoughts for the New Year
15 years ago
General
Forgive me all, as I'm getting this out a bit late.
One of my friends from a few years back - former Navy squid such as myself - is in a bit of a downtime in his life, and I wanted to give them a bit of encouragement.
I got an email from them this morning, and I couldn't help but be compelled to respond. While some of the topics and sentiments might be a bit out-of-context for the general reader, I think there's enough thoughts and ideas that it still mostly stands on its own.
So while I'm speaking directly to them, please take my words as my encouragements to you all as well.
May you and yours all find hope and faith, and peace and contentment in the coming year!
Most Sincerely and Respectfully Submitted,
ShastaCat
First off, my sincere condolences for your loss. I lost my father this year, and like with my step-dad, I was once again at sea. Not a particularly grand moment. I can relate to your loss, and empathize with your pain.
I know that at your particular stage in life, things seem very difficult. Indeed, there is good and bad in being where you are at this moment. I think you are realizing that the naivety has ended; the “blinders” which have clouded your view and judgement have finally come off, and you are starting to see the world from a unbiased viewpoint. Remember when I said once: “Perspective is EVERYTHING.”? Now, I think, you are understanding what I was saying.
It is in our very lowest states in life that we can truly make some very profound discoveries about ourselves. It is usually in those lowest moments, when our reservations and conservativeness have finally been switched off, and we can finally see reality as it exists around us for what is. For the first time, perhaps in our entire lives, we are viewing the world without bias and without filters. Of course, that might make it a bit scary and overwhelming, as we might not particularly like what we see.
If I look back and plot the various journeys of my life, I can see that there have been two truly “low points” in my life. All other planar references can only be established versus those. The first was when I lost Shasta in 1986. The second was when I lost Drifter and Macumba in 2006. I suppose there was a third low moment, though it was different, when I discovered that Macumba had been irreversibly maimed, which was in 2009. Of course, wiser men than I have said: “It is always darkest just before dawn.”. I think there are a lot of truths in these words.
In 1986, I was lost. It was the only time in my life that I truly contemplated suicide. Everything I had known and admired was gone. The path behind me was a dark and sinister, and it was a path that I despised because it took me through places and events which I had never imagined I would live, and did not want to live through again. The path ahead was just as dark, mostly because the future is always a mystery, but also because, for the first time in my life, the dreaming had stopped. I did not know what the future might hold, because I can no longer imagine it. It is the death of imagination, the death of the soul.
The recovery was slow and agonizing. There was the tediously slow journey forward, without very much progress through life. 1988 was perhaps the most difficult year of my life, mostly because every waking moment was spent trying to convince myself that it was all worthwhile, that life really did have meaning and purpose. The good news is I survived that year, and in the end I started to realize that even in all the negative that life has to offer, even with all the mystery and pain of the past, there are some very bright and positive thing on which we can reflect. The moments I had with Shasta were some of the brightest moments of my life. I learned in that darkest of years that sometimes these moments and memories of the past, what I have called in our conversations “Priceless Moments”, are both fundamental and profound. The emotions that we can find in those Moments are worth embracing.
Eventually, I found my way again. The dreams survive. The imagination perhaps changed form for a time but was never gone. In 1996, I was in the advanced stages of studying for my doctorate in counseling, and I was lost in the dilemma of finding a topic on which to write my dissertation. How can one truly turn over a new leaf in a subject as broad and vast as counseling? The whole idea of a dissertation is to research to the finite degree and a tiny thread, an infinitesimal idea, and for just a moment development and become the world’s most leading and a knowledgeable expert on that particular subject. Where does one begin? End it was in all that confusion and frustration that my academic advisor dropped the bombshell in my lap. He summed it all up simply: “What events transpired that have caused you to become the person that you are today, right at this very moment? That’s what you need to write about.”
The writing of my dissertation was the most traumatic thing I have ever done in my life, but ironically, the most rewarding. For me to discuss those events, I had to dig deeply into the past. I was not oblivious to the fact that the events leading up to my worst moments so far in life (1986) were indeed did the events that shaped who I was in the here and now. Everyone has skeletons in the closet. The writing of my dissertation required me to open the proverbial closet door. Unfortunately, one that does not remove any single skeleton from the closet; if you dare to remove one you will get them all. It is not a pick and choose. It is not a deal with this one first and move on to the next. You get them all at once. You have to deal with all of them at once. Many of those proverbial skeletons were best left well enough alone, but yet I had no choice. Hence, my dissertation being very dramatic indeed. But on the bright side, there had been a lot of water under the proverbial bridge. I had gained in both knowledge and experience in life, and was now some 11 years later, a little better equipped to deal with some of those problems that I had never resolved in the past. It is for those reasons that my dissertation was indeed a very positive and enlightening experience. Laying issues of the past to rest at long last can be a very uplifting experience. While my perspectives have not changed very dramatically, and I could still see those moments in 1985 as indeed being the lowest of my life, I could now see the magnificent journey of ups and downs that both preceded them and followed them. But all in all, I learned of the one most important thing: passions.
I think that you remember my lectures regarding passions, so I will not belabor those points. The passion I refer to in this case is my love for animals. I realized with the writing of my dissertation that this was one aspect of my life that I truly missed. I wanted to feel once again the love and compassion that only an animal can bestow upon us. So that began the next journey of my life, which was to discover a way to begin work with these magnificent creatures once again. In many ways this realization changed the course of my life yet again, just like Shasta had done in the 1984. Long story short, I took a journey and found my way to new animals. I had found nirvana once again.
Time is subjective. It can move by so very quickly. And as wiser man than I have said: “you never know what you have until it’s gone.” I lost Dagger so very quickly. Six years went by in the blink of an eye. But I still had the Drifter to throw hard and soul into, and of course, Macumba was there as well. Then, just a short length of time later, it looked as though I had lost them as well, not because of anything they had done, but because of one sinister and malevolent person who took it upon herself to keep me from them by way of taking them hostage and holding them for ransom. It was not a particularly good time of my life.
From 2006 to 2009 was yet another very long and difficult journey, wrought with anger, sorrow, frustration, depression, the loss of hope, the loss of faith, but eventually the restoral of both. That magnificent day occurred in January of 2009, when by court order, my beloved animals were returned to me. But of course with every up there is a down. The “up” was that I was indeed in the presence of these magnificent beasts once again. The “down” was that one of them had been brutally and malevolently, permanently maimed. I was entrusted to be this beast’s Guardian, and in that profound and solemn duty, I had failed. I have never felt such guilt before or since.
Of course, the water under the proverbial bridge never stops flowing. We never stop learning or gaining experience in the journeys that life’s pathways take us. So now I am two years older, and have gained two more years of wisdom and cynicism, and through both of those I see things from a different perspective. Yes, I am still guilty in my failure of sacred guardianship, but thankfully there is penance of the sort. I have taken up a new fight, and though the journey ahead will be difficult and at times frustrating, my intentions are to see it through to the end. On the bright note, both Drifter and Macumba are happy and healthy, and obviously they are unaware of my fight on their behalf, but nonetheless, I still fight.
Where am I going with all this? Is it merely to show you that it is truly darkest just before dawn. Those darkest moments of our lives can sometimes profoundly change the directions in which we travel, but we are so very unaware, perhaps because of the darkness, that the axes have shifted. Not as always, when that tiny candle flame is lit upon the horizon, and the light of a new day is upon us, only then shall we realize that the world around us has changed. The directions in which we faced have changed. Which is really to say, we have changed.
The greatest changes in our lives often come from these lowest moments. Indeed there are so many things that we can learn from them. Yes, there is always the depression and frustration, and even in those where it is so difficult to find a way ahead, there is still the light if we choose to look at it, and to see it for what it is. The lowest moments often cause us to strip away all those inconsequential things, all those pointless baubles which surround us, keep us entertained, but at the same time keep us deluded as to the real purpose that we might otherwise see. It is only in the darkest of dark places, that we can truly see and appreciate the tiniest flicker, the tiniest ray of hope. In the normal dull shadows of life we would not be able to see it all. This is the glory of the dark!
What does the life ahead hold for you? Only you can decide. As I wants perhaps told you, the journey of life is not about “discovery”, but rather, about “choice”. You can spend a lifetime trying to “discover” what your purpose might be. In my experience, it is better to simply choose a path, and to take those first steps onto a journey that is purposeful. Maybe, as you travel, you discover that this is not the path you desire to take. So then, you make another choice, as there is an intersection just ahead, where you can choose to go right or left instead of straight ahead. You can change your path, all at a whim, just because it suits you at this moment. If you don’t like this path, choose another. If you don’t like that path, choose another. The glory of choice, is that there is always another one to make, but no matter what your journeys, there is always experience to be gained from them. Nothing is lost as long as there is gained. Indeed, perhaps it is gaining wisdom, and perhaps a bit of cynicism, but in the end there is always something to learn. As long as you have learned, then all of the experiences of your life have had purpose and meaning.
I’m not sure what else I can share. I think that you have heard all the lectures. The only thing I can recommend in earnest is that you focus on those “passions” which you have discovered in your journeys so far in life. Embrace them. Develop them. Throw your very heart and soul into them. These “passions” are truly what life is about. And you will find no greater joy than pouring yourself into them, wholly and unobstructed. Passions have this strange way of taking all the pain and anguish, frustration and heartache, and turning it all into something magnificent.
We once talked of “faith”. We once talked of “hope”. I think now, that you have made some journeys in life on your own, that you have made some discoveries about both of these things, these odd and mysterious concepts, the use of vague and ambiguous ideals, that always seemed just out of reach. But I think now can see, they are not so difficult as you once thought. They too can be found within your passions. Indeed, this is what passions are really about.
I wish all the best for you in this coming year. Yes, there will be downs, but only by comparison to the slowest moments can you measure the highest of highs. “Good” cannot exist without “bad”, as indeed, there is not a measure for either without the other. It is only in the combination of both that we can truly find peace and contentment in our journeys through life.
Life is simply the quest for peace, nothing more, nothing less. It is in the peace and contentment which we discover along our lives’ journeys, that we can truly realize we have lived.
Your Friend for All Time,
Mick
One of my friends from a few years back - former Navy squid such as myself - is in a bit of a downtime in his life, and I wanted to give them a bit of encouragement.
I got an email from them this morning, and I couldn't help but be compelled to respond. While some of the topics and sentiments might be a bit out-of-context for the general reader, I think there's enough thoughts and ideas that it still mostly stands on its own.
So while I'm speaking directly to them, please take my words as my encouragements to you all as well.
May you and yours all find hope and faith, and peace and contentment in the coming year!
Most Sincerely and Respectfully Submitted,
ShastaCat
First off, my sincere condolences for your loss. I lost my father this year, and like with my step-dad, I was once again at sea. Not a particularly grand moment. I can relate to your loss, and empathize with your pain.
I know that at your particular stage in life, things seem very difficult. Indeed, there is good and bad in being where you are at this moment. I think you are realizing that the naivety has ended; the “blinders” which have clouded your view and judgement have finally come off, and you are starting to see the world from a unbiased viewpoint. Remember when I said once: “Perspective is EVERYTHING.”? Now, I think, you are understanding what I was saying.
It is in our very lowest states in life that we can truly make some very profound discoveries about ourselves. It is usually in those lowest moments, when our reservations and conservativeness have finally been switched off, and we can finally see reality as it exists around us for what is. For the first time, perhaps in our entire lives, we are viewing the world without bias and without filters. Of course, that might make it a bit scary and overwhelming, as we might not particularly like what we see.
If I look back and plot the various journeys of my life, I can see that there have been two truly “low points” in my life. All other planar references can only be established versus those. The first was when I lost Shasta in 1986. The second was when I lost Drifter and Macumba in 2006. I suppose there was a third low moment, though it was different, when I discovered that Macumba had been irreversibly maimed, which was in 2009. Of course, wiser men than I have said: “It is always darkest just before dawn.”. I think there are a lot of truths in these words.
In 1986, I was lost. It was the only time in my life that I truly contemplated suicide. Everything I had known and admired was gone. The path behind me was a dark and sinister, and it was a path that I despised because it took me through places and events which I had never imagined I would live, and did not want to live through again. The path ahead was just as dark, mostly because the future is always a mystery, but also because, for the first time in my life, the dreaming had stopped. I did not know what the future might hold, because I can no longer imagine it. It is the death of imagination, the death of the soul.
The recovery was slow and agonizing. There was the tediously slow journey forward, without very much progress through life. 1988 was perhaps the most difficult year of my life, mostly because every waking moment was spent trying to convince myself that it was all worthwhile, that life really did have meaning and purpose. The good news is I survived that year, and in the end I started to realize that even in all the negative that life has to offer, even with all the mystery and pain of the past, there are some very bright and positive thing on which we can reflect. The moments I had with Shasta were some of the brightest moments of my life. I learned in that darkest of years that sometimes these moments and memories of the past, what I have called in our conversations “Priceless Moments”, are both fundamental and profound. The emotions that we can find in those Moments are worth embracing.
Eventually, I found my way again. The dreams survive. The imagination perhaps changed form for a time but was never gone. In 1996, I was in the advanced stages of studying for my doctorate in counseling, and I was lost in the dilemma of finding a topic on which to write my dissertation. How can one truly turn over a new leaf in a subject as broad and vast as counseling? The whole idea of a dissertation is to research to the finite degree and a tiny thread, an infinitesimal idea, and for just a moment development and become the world’s most leading and a knowledgeable expert on that particular subject. Where does one begin? End it was in all that confusion and frustration that my academic advisor dropped the bombshell in my lap. He summed it all up simply: “What events transpired that have caused you to become the person that you are today, right at this very moment? That’s what you need to write about.”
The writing of my dissertation was the most traumatic thing I have ever done in my life, but ironically, the most rewarding. For me to discuss those events, I had to dig deeply into the past. I was not oblivious to the fact that the events leading up to my worst moments so far in life (1986) were indeed did the events that shaped who I was in the here and now. Everyone has skeletons in the closet. The writing of my dissertation required me to open the proverbial closet door. Unfortunately, one that does not remove any single skeleton from the closet; if you dare to remove one you will get them all. It is not a pick and choose. It is not a deal with this one first and move on to the next. You get them all at once. You have to deal with all of them at once. Many of those proverbial skeletons were best left well enough alone, but yet I had no choice. Hence, my dissertation being very dramatic indeed. But on the bright side, there had been a lot of water under the proverbial bridge. I had gained in both knowledge and experience in life, and was now some 11 years later, a little better equipped to deal with some of those problems that I had never resolved in the past. It is for those reasons that my dissertation was indeed a very positive and enlightening experience. Laying issues of the past to rest at long last can be a very uplifting experience. While my perspectives have not changed very dramatically, and I could still see those moments in 1985 as indeed being the lowest of my life, I could now see the magnificent journey of ups and downs that both preceded them and followed them. But all in all, I learned of the one most important thing: passions.
I think that you remember my lectures regarding passions, so I will not belabor those points. The passion I refer to in this case is my love for animals. I realized with the writing of my dissertation that this was one aspect of my life that I truly missed. I wanted to feel once again the love and compassion that only an animal can bestow upon us. So that began the next journey of my life, which was to discover a way to begin work with these magnificent creatures once again. In many ways this realization changed the course of my life yet again, just like Shasta had done in the 1984. Long story short, I took a journey and found my way to new animals. I had found nirvana once again.
Time is subjective. It can move by so very quickly. And as wiser man than I have said: “you never know what you have until it’s gone.” I lost Dagger so very quickly. Six years went by in the blink of an eye. But I still had the Drifter to throw hard and soul into, and of course, Macumba was there as well. Then, just a short length of time later, it looked as though I had lost them as well, not because of anything they had done, but because of one sinister and malevolent person who took it upon herself to keep me from them by way of taking them hostage and holding them for ransom. It was not a particularly good time of my life.
From 2006 to 2009 was yet another very long and difficult journey, wrought with anger, sorrow, frustration, depression, the loss of hope, the loss of faith, but eventually the restoral of both. That magnificent day occurred in January of 2009, when by court order, my beloved animals were returned to me. But of course with every up there is a down. The “up” was that I was indeed in the presence of these magnificent beasts once again. The “down” was that one of them had been brutally and malevolently, permanently maimed. I was entrusted to be this beast’s Guardian, and in that profound and solemn duty, I had failed. I have never felt such guilt before or since.
Of course, the water under the proverbial bridge never stops flowing. We never stop learning or gaining experience in the journeys that life’s pathways take us. So now I am two years older, and have gained two more years of wisdom and cynicism, and through both of those I see things from a different perspective. Yes, I am still guilty in my failure of sacred guardianship, but thankfully there is penance of the sort. I have taken up a new fight, and though the journey ahead will be difficult and at times frustrating, my intentions are to see it through to the end. On the bright note, both Drifter and Macumba are happy and healthy, and obviously they are unaware of my fight on their behalf, but nonetheless, I still fight.
Where am I going with all this? Is it merely to show you that it is truly darkest just before dawn. Those darkest moments of our lives can sometimes profoundly change the directions in which we travel, but we are so very unaware, perhaps because of the darkness, that the axes have shifted. Not as always, when that tiny candle flame is lit upon the horizon, and the light of a new day is upon us, only then shall we realize that the world around us has changed. The directions in which we faced have changed. Which is really to say, we have changed.
The greatest changes in our lives often come from these lowest moments. Indeed there are so many things that we can learn from them. Yes, there is always the depression and frustration, and even in those where it is so difficult to find a way ahead, there is still the light if we choose to look at it, and to see it for what it is. The lowest moments often cause us to strip away all those inconsequential things, all those pointless baubles which surround us, keep us entertained, but at the same time keep us deluded as to the real purpose that we might otherwise see. It is only in the darkest of dark places, that we can truly see and appreciate the tiniest flicker, the tiniest ray of hope. In the normal dull shadows of life we would not be able to see it all. This is the glory of the dark!
What does the life ahead hold for you? Only you can decide. As I wants perhaps told you, the journey of life is not about “discovery”, but rather, about “choice”. You can spend a lifetime trying to “discover” what your purpose might be. In my experience, it is better to simply choose a path, and to take those first steps onto a journey that is purposeful. Maybe, as you travel, you discover that this is not the path you desire to take. So then, you make another choice, as there is an intersection just ahead, where you can choose to go right or left instead of straight ahead. You can change your path, all at a whim, just because it suits you at this moment. If you don’t like this path, choose another. If you don’t like that path, choose another. The glory of choice, is that there is always another one to make, but no matter what your journeys, there is always experience to be gained from them. Nothing is lost as long as there is gained. Indeed, perhaps it is gaining wisdom, and perhaps a bit of cynicism, but in the end there is always something to learn. As long as you have learned, then all of the experiences of your life have had purpose and meaning.
I’m not sure what else I can share. I think that you have heard all the lectures. The only thing I can recommend in earnest is that you focus on those “passions” which you have discovered in your journeys so far in life. Embrace them. Develop them. Throw your very heart and soul into them. These “passions” are truly what life is about. And you will find no greater joy than pouring yourself into them, wholly and unobstructed. Passions have this strange way of taking all the pain and anguish, frustration and heartache, and turning it all into something magnificent.
We once talked of “faith”. We once talked of “hope”. I think now, that you have made some journeys in life on your own, that you have made some discoveries about both of these things, these odd and mysterious concepts, the use of vague and ambiguous ideals, that always seemed just out of reach. But I think now can see, they are not so difficult as you once thought. They too can be found within your passions. Indeed, this is what passions are really about.
I wish all the best for you in this coming year. Yes, there will be downs, but only by comparison to the slowest moments can you measure the highest of highs. “Good” cannot exist without “bad”, as indeed, there is not a measure for either without the other. It is only in the combination of both that we can truly find peace and contentment in our journeys through life.
Life is simply the quest for peace, nothing more, nothing less. It is in the peace and contentment which we discover along our lives’ journeys, that we can truly realize we have lived.
Your Friend for All Time,
Mick
