i'm just, idk, i have so much going on and i feel so out of it recently. I haven't really properly on here :/ so much happened over the last year. I've lost several amazing friends who turned out not to care like i was led to believe. and feelings have grown from confusion to something more, or something that wasn't quite what i hoped or thought it would have been. What i may have even hoped to happen. I've had my highs and my lows, the lows had been plenty, but the highs have meant the world to. some highs that hurt to think about now, but i wouldn't have changed for the world.

i truly fell hard for someone last year that didn't quite work out. I'm trying to forget that but it's so hard. Jake makes it easier to move on, but i can't ever completely forget what i had.

i'm sad we'll never speak again. i love him still, but not as it was. i miss that friend i had had. he was my hero, he always will be. he broke my heart...but i love him all the same.

now i have someone new, someone who i never expected to ever care for me in the way that he does. he's so different from most boys i've ever even liked. he's sweet, at least to me. he's been protective in a way i've craved for so long from someone i've dated. friends caring means the world, but its special when its from someone who just lives to see you smile, or say his name one more time.

he's my world, and i ache just to hear his voice again. i know we can't help the distance, and we can't help the circumstance's we're under, but that doesn't make it hurt any less when i wait for him to be able to come back, when i wait for him to say my name, when i get to hear his voice and see his face.

its a dangerous this thing this love, but it feels so right to say it, to hear it. Love is a word that for much of my life has terrified me. i type/say it a lot, but stepping back i wonder how much i actually mean it. i know with him i mean it, with all of what's left of my heart.

i wish i had a better way to express myself with him.

since i'm typing anyway, i wanna just vent a teeny bit more.

i'm socially awkward, and i'm terrible with people. however i crave attention and i crave the comfort of someone with me or talking to me constantly. i'm an avid txter and imer.

you may have my im and never hear from me. that's because i'm terrified of bothering you. i love to talk, but i have a terrible time of starting it. i'm so sorry, i may not even deserve your forgiveness. but thank you for those who do try.

if anyone...i don't know, i just, i lost track of what i was saying. i ache for a friend who will keep me in their lives, and not only talk to me when its convenient. i ache for someone to talk to me regularly, and not just now and again. i guess i sound selfish, but i just want to talk to someone daily who wants to talk to me daily.

i'm weird

and have unlimited txting

...

i think that's about it though for my rants and confessions.

if you made it to the end of this, thank you so so so very much for reading. i know it was long winded, but i needed to say something, i was going absolutely insane.

:/ ~Tifa~