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Taking personal inventory
15 years ago
General
-Sad news before hand; my uncle passed away last week, though it has restored my faith in the world seeing my family come together and be there for one another. In a way I feel like its not the end for him, and that wherever he is now he'll be alright.
Now I dont mind being single, (though i am getting to the point where hearing even the slightest utterance of pet names between couples is enough to turn my stomach) I have the best friends and family a guy could ask for so its not like I just sit alone in a corner entertaining the voices in my head. I enjoy being able to do whatever I want and go wherever I want and hang out with whomever I want without having to worry if someone is going to get jealous and bombard me with incessant phone calls or messages. I LOVE LOVE LOVE stretching out in my own bed all to myself. It has been 6 years since my last relationship and I've gotta say I'm pretty content all things considered. I like my life, my stuff, my time, my personal space, my xbox.
But every now and then, just for a moment, I mull around the thought/wish/prayer/hope of someday having a partner and maybe not have to fear dying alone y'know? Someone to find the body, someone to pick up the slack, someone to wait for the cable guy, make me coffee in the morning, yadda yadda. Because I'm not ashamed to say I miss it, a lot. I could write umpteen more paragraphs listing eveything I miss, but i think it can all be summed up by saying that I just miss being someone's number 1. And I feel like that makes me selfish but y'know what? I dont care. There it is and there you have it. I know very well the tired and true fortune cookie verbal bullshit of "you'll only find it when you stop looking" Know what? I cant stop looking. I cant tell if its fear, desperation, or both but I physically cannot resist myself from checking to see if he's looking at me or subtly making elevator eyes while trying to figure out if he's gay or single or if I need to tailor the way I act or talk so as not to scare him away as if it were a fucking game of pokemon. I cant help but look, I'm bored. :P So what do I do if I cant stop looking? Blind myself?
Sorry for the angst, but I've been avoiding writing angsty entries for so long and in a way I guess that has done more damage than good. I can normally stave off the bitter spinster rants but I think the holidays have had a stronger effect on me than usual.
Now I dont mind being single, (though i am getting to the point where hearing even the slightest utterance of pet names between couples is enough to turn my stomach) I have the best friends and family a guy could ask for so its not like I just sit alone in a corner entertaining the voices in my head. I enjoy being able to do whatever I want and go wherever I want and hang out with whomever I want without having to worry if someone is going to get jealous and bombard me with incessant phone calls or messages. I LOVE LOVE LOVE stretching out in my own bed all to myself. It has been 6 years since my last relationship and I've gotta say I'm pretty content all things considered. I like my life, my stuff, my time, my personal space, my xbox.
But every now and then, just for a moment, I mull around the thought/wish/prayer/hope of someday having a partner and maybe not have to fear dying alone y'know? Someone to find the body, someone to pick up the slack, someone to wait for the cable guy, make me coffee in the morning, yadda yadda. Because I'm not ashamed to say I miss it, a lot. I could write umpteen more paragraphs listing eveything I miss, but i think it can all be summed up by saying that I just miss being someone's number 1. And I feel like that makes me selfish but y'know what? I dont care. There it is and there you have it. I know very well the tired and true fortune cookie verbal bullshit of "you'll only find it when you stop looking" Know what? I cant stop looking. I cant tell if its fear, desperation, or both but I physically cannot resist myself from checking to see if he's looking at me or subtly making elevator eyes while trying to figure out if he's gay or single or if I need to tailor the way I act or talk so as not to scare him away as if it were a fucking game of pokemon. I cant help but look, I'm bored. :P So what do I do if I cant stop looking? Blind myself?
Sorry for the angst, but I've been avoiding writing angsty entries for so long and in a way I guess that has done more damage than good. I can normally stave off the bitter spinster rants but I think the holidays have had a stronger effect on me than usual.
Communication of how you feel with your partner is key to a good relationship. All those negative things you mentioned about it are things that can be discussed and worked out between you and the other, but when things don't work out that well and fall apart, its usually from a lack of really understanding (or in some cases, caring about) the needs and limitations of one another.
I'm sure you'll find someone, tiggybuns. :3 Don't give up, but be yourself and be happy being yourself. *hug*