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I fear...
18 years ago
It seems i got nothing good to say lately.
My left foot is bad, it hurts since a wile now and it's not letting me train, so, i'm really piss off, cause a great sensei is coming this next week and i may not be able to train at my full capacity.
That gives me fear, i mean, when i'm training i'm afraid of hurting my self again, so i go there and fight with fear. And you can't go inside a combat where every strike means life or death (in filosofy of course, if not Kendo would have really little people practicing the sport) with fear. And i'm triying to take care of myself, to take care of my foot and get well. But i'm afraid of not doing it right, or that my fott is so bad that i'll have to stop training. I love Kendo, i really do, and my life without it would be really sad.
On another related issues, i have 2 panic atacks on the same week. I didn't have one of those since a year or so, but now 2 in the same week. And a 4 hours battle to get out of the bed. I don't know, i'm getting worse, i need to talk to Andy i guess, he's now a good friend. He stay with me as a friend cause "I'm to good, and everybody is always triying to hurt me", he is my friend to protect me, but i don't know if he'll got the strenght to listen to all the shit i feel inside of me. I guess that's why i'm writing all this down, is like talking to everyone and hurt nobody.
Sorry i'm making this a place to let go, but i believe i need it tonight.
Here i'm in my now only boyfriend's house, he's in a concert with a bunch of female friends it's 2 am and i'm waiting... i don't have a problem with him going out with some friends (female or not), he got his place and i got mine... But i feel kinda stupid now...
All this days i have been feeling really scared... but for reason at all...
I want to let down and cry, but i can't cry in his arms, i have to be a strong girl for him. I have to be strong all the time, and people believe i am. But i'm not like that, the only thing i want to do now is to cry my life out.
...I think this is kinda a way of doing it...
Ok, no more for today... i have nothing good to say lately...
My left foot is bad, it hurts since a wile now and it's not letting me train, so, i'm really piss off, cause a great sensei is coming this next week and i may not be able to train at my full capacity.
That gives me fear, i mean, when i'm training i'm afraid of hurting my self again, so i go there and fight with fear. And you can't go inside a combat where every strike means life or death (in filosofy of course, if not Kendo would have really little people practicing the sport) with fear. And i'm triying to take care of myself, to take care of my foot and get well. But i'm afraid of not doing it right, or that my fott is so bad that i'll have to stop training. I love Kendo, i really do, and my life without it would be really sad.
On another related issues, i have 2 panic atacks on the same week. I didn't have one of those since a year or so, but now 2 in the same week. And a 4 hours battle to get out of the bed. I don't know, i'm getting worse, i need to talk to Andy i guess, he's now a good friend. He stay with me as a friend cause "I'm to good, and everybody is always triying to hurt me", he is my friend to protect me, but i don't know if he'll got the strenght to listen to all the shit i feel inside of me. I guess that's why i'm writing all this down, is like talking to everyone and hurt nobody.
Sorry i'm making this a place to let go, but i believe i need it tonight.
Here i'm in my now only boyfriend's house, he's in a concert with a bunch of female friends it's 2 am and i'm waiting... i don't have a problem with him going out with some friends (female or not), he got his place and i got mine... But i feel kinda stupid now...
All this days i have been feeling really scared... but for reason at all...
I want to let down and cry, but i can't cry in his arms, i have to be a strong girl for him. I have to be strong all the time, and people believe i am. But i'm not like that, the only thing i want to do now is to cry my life out.
...I think this is kinda a way of doing it...
Ok, no more for today... i have nothing good to say lately...
