It's really foggy tonight. Foggy and cold. My roommate and I are rolling through the back streets around where I live. I love doing this in the dark..

My roommate is a great guy. He knows what going outside at night like this does for me, and selflessly donates his time to come along. He looks bundled up for a cold bike ride, wearing his reflective jacket, helmet and a warm, heavy coat. I have on my lightest jacket and a single underarmor sleeve. My head's protected by the sturdy brim of cardboard in my hat as I zip past on my rollerblades. I'm moving fast..

And I smile. Because I love the dark.. There's hardly any streetlights here. The entire road's a gamble. Potholes, speed-bumps, manhole covers, trash.. Anything can come up and everything matters when blading. With the fog I can't see twenty feet in front of me. I lose detail closer to ten. And it's like a game..

I smile because I love this game. I love the speed and the visceral crunch of rock and road inches below my feet. Steam rises from my breath and body as I speed up for the hill. There's a stitch in my side reminding me I haven't eaten. I ignore it and press on. I freeze and press on.
The darkness is exciting. Cars pass and do their best to miss me; I do my best to stay out of their way. Obstacles sneak up on me in the dark and I dodge nimbly around, mentally keeping score. One more danger avoided, another ten feet without falling..

I feel alive in the cold. I smile as I rush downhill. I smile because I am in danger. I smile because I am flamboyant. My white fox tail bounces behind me for every passing motorist who bothers to look back. I look terribly silly, but the fog swallows everybody back up just as quickly as they came and there's no one to care.

The fog makes me happy. Seeing so little of the world through darkness and mist has this super surreal, comforting effect. It's comforting to feel that in a few bounds I could escape my roommate in the fog. I could escape everyone and everything.. With a little dodging I could be lost and completely out of sight. I think of finding my very own, cozy little spot and laying down to die, dreaming of never being found. I don't believe we stay behind after the mist.. Everything dissipates with the light of dawn..

The stitch in my side worsens. My lungs ache. My body glows with a numbness that nearly paralyzes. Sometimes it's only the discomfort of a warm-blooded body that reminds me I'm alive. I pant and I smile. I look back and my roommate is pedaling close behind me. He wouldn't let me dart off, heh..

We eventually reach home and I clop up the stairs, my roommate close behind. I smile with personal amusement as I turn the doorknob, delighted by the difficulty of the task. My uncovered fingers barely close around the metal; if opening the door required any more effort I may have been stuck. But I successfully breach the entrance to our home and am greeted by the light and warmth of indoors.

My smile fades as warmth soothes my skin. The clarity and safety of my apartment washes over me. The pain of life comes with it. Nobody understands when you never tell them. And nobody accepts that you won't tell them. As the cold drains from my body it takes me with it. Warmth smothers my body, enveloping my core where the final cries of the stinging cold are drowned. That's where I hide..

I peel my jacket off and throw my hat on the floor. It's in the moment alone as my roommate puts his bike outside that I swim amongst the thoughts of my head. It's that moment of twilight between lethal cold and safety that my darker thoughts come to light. I nearly lose myself in the confusion and regrets that only come when I'm alone and safe. I tear myself up over the wrong, the angry, the refusal, the self-destructive and the lonely that plague me. It creeps up on me like it always does when I'm alone. I feel like crying again and I only mostly refrain.

The porch door slams shut and I hear my roommate coming towards me. He can't see me like this. They only want to pry when they see you like this. I sniffle and wipe my face on a dirty towel. My roommate appears in the doorway to my room.

And I smile..