I think man as a creature is designed to deal with conflict. We need an enemy to fight, a challenge to be surmounted, a battle to win. If we don't have something to fill this need, we seek it out. If we can't find anything, we take it out upon ourselves.

This is a battle I've been struggling with lately, as many facets of my life have left me complacent. Work is work, I show up, I do things, I get paid. I take the money I'm paid and pay for the house, which I do not need to currently improve in any significant fashion, nor do I have the desire to. I get to work in a car that runs well and I find satisfactory to drive. I'm taking a class this semester that only offers the challenge of staying awake through it.

So with nothing else on tap, I end up going after myself. The above list is rather untouchable, can't do something sudden to change my job/work/car. So I battle to do something creative, but then I run headlong into the same old set of roadblocks. Worse than not being able to fight past them, they spread over into every creative facet.

I know I can't draw (well), but I still like to try sometimes. Normally I end up frustrated a few lines in. Then I try to write, and I shake my own confidence as I remind myself of all that's gone awry on that front.

I sat with a good idea for a trade with someone I know would do his part in return, and he gave me carte blanche, saying I knew what he liked and just to write it. He wanted a surprise, but I couldn't get my idea moving. When I gave up on the concept, I told him what I had intended to write, and he told me it was a great idea. Seemed disappointed that I wouldn't be turning it into a story.

On top of all this roleplay hasn't been any better. Either I'm struggling to do things that I would normally enjoy with people I've done stuff with before, or I'm fruitlessly trying to get someone new to do something new. My easy fallback is coming up as anything but.

This all came crashing down on Friday, as I came home with the ability to do nothing but sleep. Rest made me feel a little better, but the problem was still right there when I got up. Once the distraction was over Saturday (yay Michigan football win), I was back to staring at the same problems. I had gotten up from rock bottom, but I was stuck at medium.

I took the opportunity to talk to someone that I'd been wanting to on Saturday night. Working past a few things that had happened between us made me feel better for a while, but I don't know if it'll change much long term. Still have a lot of other people to work out issues with, and I doubt any of them will go as smoothly as they did with him.

Unfortunately all of this creative lockdown is creeping into everything I do. I'm afraid to do the show tonight. Plenty of people have asked me how they can help, but I can't come up with a way for them to help. I'm stuck in this mental state, and I don't want to pull someone else into it.

I even figured out part of the problem, which is what is keeping me above water right now. It's not something I can defeat, but it is an explanation for how things are. It's little solace, but it's better than nothing.

There is one solution to all of this though, just a lot of blanks to fill in. Basically I need to find something that I'll be instantly good at, with a guaranteed zero percent chance of failure. Not only will I pick it up instantly, but my performance will have to be impressive to all. Plus I can't get bored or tired of doing the act.

As soon as someone finds that, I'll be cured.