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Tired of Being alone
15 years ago
I haven't really made any ranting journals before but this has just really weighed heavily on my mind for a while now.
I haven't had a really meaningful relationship in almost 5 years now. Thats nearly a quarter of my life that I've spent alone. Ya know I'd love to meet someone in the fandom especially another babyfur but a straight or bi female babyfur seems like rarity and just not something I'll probably realistically find. Even someone who is merely tolerant would be fine I just need love in my life.
I don't care about sex that doesn't matter to me I can handle that myself but love isnt something I can just take care of when the urge hits me. I just want someone to love and someone to love me back unconditionally. I guess thats a lot to ask these days.
In my life I've loved two very special women in my life with whom I shared love deeper than I could fathom or place into words and when I was with them I was whole we were together complete. But all good things must come to an end and our relationships ended and I went back to the half of a human being I had been and ya know what its down right painful I physically hurt from how lonely I am sometimes and the only thing I can do is distract myself from it because I can't really face it then it only gets worse.
I'm sorry I'm normally a really cheery up beat guy but I just had to put this into words.
I haven't had a really meaningful relationship in almost 5 years now. Thats nearly a quarter of my life that I've spent alone. Ya know I'd love to meet someone in the fandom especially another babyfur but a straight or bi female babyfur seems like rarity and just not something I'll probably realistically find. Even someone who is merely tolerant would be fine I just need love in my life.
I don't care about sex that doesn't matter to me I can handle that myself but love isnt something I can just take care of when the urge hits me. I just want someone to love and someone to love me back unconditionally. I guess thats a lot to ask these days.
In my life I've loved two very special women in my life with whom I shared love deeper than I could fathom or place into words and when I was with them I was whole we were together complete. But all good things must come to an end and our relationships ended and I went back to the half of a human being I had been and ya know what its down right painful I physically hurt from how lonely I am sometimes and the only thing I can do is distract myself from it because I can't really face it then it only gets worse.
I'm sorry I'm normally a really cheery up beat guy but I just had to put this into words.
For nearly twenty years I had been in a non-furry straight relationship, if you'll call it that. We seldom saw each other and when we did we hardly talked, opting to just spend our entire visit watching tv. I had seen this person only as a friend all these years, while she saw me as something more, but she was secretly wanting me to make the first move. I however during this time had gotten to know her too well, that she really didn't have much respect for me even though I wasn't involved with anyone else. So I never made that 1st move.
Then, two years ago besides having two full time jobs, I (being overly-helpful) voluntarily took on several other obligations my life quickly spiraled downwards. Getting no sleep for several days at a time, arriving late to work etc etc. this would continue for the next several months. It was then exactly seventeen months ago yesterday that a local furry hosted a rave pary at his house. I went hoping that if anything it would calm my nerves. Late into the night I met another guest, a younger guy that eventually led me off down a hallway ... I hadn't touched any alcohol at all, just at that point in my life I simply didn't care anymore, followed him into a empty room....
My partner eventually drifted away, too busy with his already open relationships to really notice me.
When my friend found out that I was a furry, she claimed that only because she began roleplaying as one in some chatroom that this instantly made her a furry too -- arguments ensue. Months later when she finds out what my actual orientation is ... not straight as she had presumed, that led to ridicule and more drama than I cared to listen to. I left never looking back. After all these years, even with that one inimate night to look back upon, I'm still alone. Sure I have a furry who's renting a spare room in my house and a handfull of furry friends that I occasionally see or chat with, but its not the same as having an ongoing relationship.