Isolation. It's a nasty thing. To feel cut off from everyone and everything. To be alone. To some people, this is their idea of "paradise", a chance to be left alone. They're welcome to it. Me, I often find it's my greatest fear.

I think that's why the Enemy uses it against me so much. This insane, illogical, persistent feeling of Isolation, even when I'm in a room full of people. Where shall I go for help? Every option I bring up in my mind tends to get swatted down. And y'know, until now, I never questioned who was doing the swatting. Isolation is worse when it's self-imposed, and I have done it to myself too often. I don't doubt some of it is because of the three greatest opponents any Christian will face in this life. And yet, in many ways, all their plans backfire. I'm only more and more determined to get free and find the life God offers. I can't live this way forever, not after having tasted Real Life. Be like forsaking The Olive Garden for Happy Meals. It makes no sense.

The World, now, there's a bit of trouble for me. Not so much the secular itself as any part of "society" and "civilization" that takes me away from God. For me, this has been the Furry Fandom. Oh, it's not all bad. I have seen some of the best humor, artwork and stories come out of it. The people there are friendly and good-natured, and for the most part seem like the kind of people I'd love to make friends with. But I don't belong there. That's always been a feeling with this crowd. The sex and pornography, the spite and "drama" that crops up, the prevailing political and religious views... all these rub me the wrong way. And even though I'm not about to let them change who I am, not for the worse, it pains me to think I am so alone. How many furries share my views? My beliefs? By my count, damn few, if any. Even the Christian furs either accept things I cannot or find it hard to accept the teachings of one John Eldredge, whom I'm something of a disciple of. Chiefly, it's the spiritual warfare thing. Can't say I blame them. Easier just to accept the "common wisdom" that "those days are over" and just try to get on with life. But how do you do that in the middle of a war zone? People are being wounded and killed left and right, their hearts wrapped in chains and tortured...

"And know that I will impale her like a knife... leave her twisting, day after day after day of her very short life... with... me..."

"Misery" by Transiberian Orchestra. Does a pretty good job of describing what the devil does to people every day. And I'll bet not one in a hundred who hear that song think of it as anything but fantasy. Scary and unnerving, yes, but only fiction. And then they wonder why life is so hard.

Come to me, boyos. I'll tell ya why life is hard. It's because no matter what pleasant circumstances you're born into, no matter what kind of "head start" you may get... there's a sniveling, snickering little bastard of a fallen angel slinking through the shadows. He hates you. Every single one of you. And me as well. After all, if he's really the source of all evil, then Envy is one of his, and Envy can never stand to see something out of reach. It will either steal it or destroy it if it can, so it's no surprise that the devil seeks to steal and kill and destroy. Jesus called him a thief, and a thief he is. And he's eager to steal anything he can from you. Family, friends, those pleasant things that uplift your soul, your job that you love... hell, even your pets. I bet some of those "accidents" and kidnappings had his subtle hand guiding them. If a little girl is mentally and emotionally scarred, then his work is complete.

And who here believes what I'm saying? Who here doesn't shrink back, doesn't think twice and wonder if I'm off my rocker?

...my point exactly.

You're supposed to find your platoon. That's what John said. I admit, I've done a piss-poor job of that. Maybe because I'm afraid of rejection, of having more doors slam in my face as people fail to realize what I'm saying. But then, is it really so important that they hear me? Or John? Supposed to be God they're listening to, after all. And yet... and yet, I yearn for what David had. A confidant, a friend, and more... a man he could trust with anything and everything. Someone he'd never have to fear baring his soul to. Johnathan was more dear to him than all his wives and concubines.

And that idiot at the fur con had the audacity to say this made them gay. It's infuriating. It's laughable. I almost wish I'd punched him. 'Tis a dishonor to such an honorable king. Even if he did mess up bad now and then, he always sought to make it right once God gave him a kick in the rear. I hope to make such grand mistakes myself someday. Would mean I'm actually making some kind of impact. And God can work with the consequences.

The church probably would find many of my views more acceptable, especially those on gay marriage and King David. Yet... maybe I make too much of it... but I fear revealing my "furriness" to them. I don't know what they've seen or heard. And last thing I want is to deal with the drama of some people having the wrong idea. On the other hand... "Those who care don't matter, and those who matter don't care", right? So long as I'm not gettin' into porn and lots of sex with random strangers, would they care if I was into animal people? Perhaps not. I guess I worry over these things a bit too much. You can tell it's worry because I think a lot but do little to fix it. Self-perpetuating too.

And still, chruch is one of the many places I feel isolated. Doesn't help that I have this deep-seeded aversion to crowds. Yet when I'm going a bit crazy, I'm drawn to them, if only to be around people (heaven help us if I happen to snap while in one). Wouldn't surprise me to find some demons latching on to me in those crowds, seeking to keep me isolated and alone. I can only imagine why. There must be a reason for cutting me off. I mean, sure, they'd do it for laughs, but there's a war going on. Even they don't have the luxury of torturing us just for spite or amusement. So, going by my understanding of things... I guess I must have some gift with people. And they'd like so much to keep that locked up in my head, along with Lucius to keep me in line. Too bad for them he's lost his status with me. Making agreements with him was a bad idea, so I've made sure he won't be bothering me again. Until I need him, he stays put.

My, how I ramble. God knows what will happen if I ever start preaching. Be interesting to watch, I'm sure.

Things seem like they've gotten worse though. Been having a few breakdowns and near-misses, feeling like my emotions are going all over the place. Part of it may be my neglect of saying my prayers; part of it is may be my choice in majors. I nearly had a breakdown today. First half of my Foundations of Design class, I was real depressed and moody. Not doing much of anything. And then, after the break, I just figured I might as well go back in and try to get something done. And I did. And by the end of class, I felt much better. Just like the sillhouette drawings I did over the weekend, there is something soothing about this art stuff. I feel accomplished; I feel peaceful. I guess this is why God wanted me here. And why there's been so much opposition, so much assault on my mind and emotions. I must be on the right track. And if Beethoven could face down the devil, why can't I? Even if I meet the same fate, 'tis only death and a short trip Home. And if I'm lucky, a masterpiece worthy of my life. Not a bad note to go out on.

So, even if most of the fandom and the devil and even my own sin seeks to undo me, I will not relent. God has a purpose for me. And I know who I am, and that knowledge grows a little every year, if not every day. If people have a problem with who I am, I just have one thing to say to them...

*puts on sunglasses*

...deal with it. =P