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Life
15 years ago
General
The following content may or may not contain floof, you have been warned! Ok, this is gonna be a vent journal because I feel I need one right now. If you don't care about me there's no point in reading any further because this is only gonna be me pouring my feelings into text.
Today life hit me, it does from time to time, often with no prior warning. Guess it's just become stealthy through a lot of practice. Day started out fine, I woke up content and unusually energetic. The day proceeded to be fine pretty much all the way to about an hour ago when life did it's ambush on my and left me feeling depressed, irritable and frustrated.
There wasn't really any build up to this, there rarely is, stuff I've suppressed so many times before just creep out of where ever it is they go to slap me across the face.
Something I felt like I realized today that I can't say has crossed my mind before was something that made me more "emo" than my usual depressions manage. I realized I'm a broken human.
Some argue that people born with brain defects that prevent them from living a full life could just as well have been terminated at birth to spare them the agony, but the most common counter-argument is that they can live a full life their own way and that it would be inhumane to take their life from them. I agree with this sentiment.
I on the other hand today felt, while being reasonably sound of mind, that there really hasn't been any reason for me to live. This might sound exaggerated and stupid to you, but thinking back I can see no solid reason for me to have been born.
I am a very sociable person but I suffer from social phobias, preventing me from taking contact with people. Awesome!
Whenever I try to learn something to provide something to the world I end up becoming mediocre and undesirable at best. Great!
Instinctively we exist to reproduce and keep our species alive, but when others see me they rather stay away. Wonderful!
One could argue that I exist for the little things I do that affect other people and I guess that might be true but it's nothing I feel that I notice.
Because of my social phobias and insecurities I can't get a job, rendering me an unwilling leech on society. Pretty much any person I talk to about my issues reply in ways that reveal that they think I'm lying or exaggerating, or that they think I'm merely lazy. Often I sit there wishing I could bestow them the hell that is my life for a week and then get back to them.
Most of the times I get replies like "You're a grown-up now, you'll just have to learn to manage" or "I understand, but you'll have to put that aside and grow up". Honestly if one more person tell me to "grow up" I'm gonna dickpunch them repeatedly until they can't get the taste of their balls out of their own mouth, even if said person is a woman. I'm so tired of people thinking my issue is that I'm not grown up. Heck, I've been more mature than most people I know for the last 10 years.
At this point I'd almost rather take the assault charges and spend time in jail than having to act like I believe there's hope for me in order to get some money to survive each month. On the other hand I'm a pacifist so I guess this scenario isn't likely after all.
I'm also feeling my loneliness more and more each day... That's also something very few can understand, or perhaps they don't take it into account. I've been alone, utterly, utterly alone for my ENTIRE life. I've never had anyone love me. Not that love me the way I need at least. I'm sure my family loves me but that's not helping, it's not the kind of love I need.
I need someone with whom I can share my feelings. Someone that is willing to listen to me and be there for me. Someone who shares their worries and feelings with me. Someone I can touch, hug. Someone I can be intimate with. Someone I can hold on to when my life hits me like this.
Just... someone.
But I know, I know I will never find that person. Because that person would have to be a saint to see me, learn about all this shit and then stay. I don't blame them either, why would they stay with someone like me when there's so many people out there that aren't broken, that haven't lived their life alone, who can interact socially and not feel lost.
All that said, I want you to know that I don't want to die. I'm not gonna go fall on my sword and rid the world of me, because I know that that is a solution that doesn't really help anyone, least of all myself. So if you do care enough to have read this far I want you to know you don't have to worry.
I guess that's enough venting for now. I do feel a bit better. Sorry for the wall of text.
Today life hit me, it does from time to time, often with no prior warning. Guess it's just become stealthy through a lot of practice. Day started out fine, I woke up content and unusually energetic. The day proceeded to be fine pretty much all the way to about an hour ago when life did it's ambush on my and left me feeling depressed, irritable and frustrated.
There wasn't really any build up to this, there rarely is, stuff I've suppressed so many times before just creep out of where ever it is they go to slap me across the face.
Something I felt like I realized today that I can't say has crossed my mind before was something that made me more "emo" than my usual depressions manage. I realized I'm a broken human.
Some argue that people born with brain defects that prevent them from living a full life could just as well have been terminated at birth to spare them the agony, but the most common counter-argument is that they can live a full life their own way and that it would be inhumane to take their life from them. I agree with this sentiment.
I on the other hand today felt, while being reasonably sound of mind, that there really hasn't been any reason for me to live. This might sound exaggerated and stupid to you, but thinking back I can see no solid reason for me to have been born.
I am a very sociable person but I suffer from social phobias, preventing me from taking contact with people. Awesome!
Whenever I try to learn something to provide something to the world I end up becoming mediocre and undesirable at best. Great!
Instinctively we exist to reproduce and keep our species alive, but when others see me they rather stay away. Wonderful!
One could argue that I exist for the little things I do that affect other people and I guess that might be true but it's nothing I feel that I notice.
Because of my social phobias and insecurities I can't get a job, rendering me an unwilling leech on society. Pretty much any person I talk to about my issues reply in ways that reveal that they think I'm lying or exaggerating, or that they think I'm merely lazy. Often I sit there wishing I could bestow them the hell that is my life for a week and then get back to them.
Most of the times I get replies like "You're a grown-up now, you'll just have to learn to manage" or "I understand, but you'll have to put that aside and grow up". Honestly if one more person tell me to "grow up" I'm gonna dickpunch them repeatedly until they can't get the taste of their balls out of their own mouth, even if said person is a woman. I'm so tired of people thinking my issue is that I'm not grown up. Heck, I've been more mature than most people I know for the last 10 years.
At this point I'd almost rather take the assault charges and spend time in jail than having to act like I believe there's hope for me in order to get some money to survive each month. On the other hand I'm a pacifist so I guess this scenario isn't likely after all.
I'm also feeling my loneliness more and more each day... That's also something very few can understand, or perhaps they don't take it into account. I've been alone, utterly, utterly alone for my ENTIRE life. I've never had anyone love me. Not that love me the way I need at least. I'm sure my family loves me but that's not helping, it's not the kind of love I need.
I need someone with whom I can share my feelings. Someone that is willing to listen to me and be there for me. Someone who shares their worries and feelings with me. Someone I can touch, hug. Someone I can be intimate with. Someone I can hold on to when my life hits me like this.
Just... someone.
But I know, I know I will never find that person. Because that person would have to be a saint to see me, learn about all this shit and then stay. I don't blame them either, why would they stay with someone like me when there's so many people out there that aren't broken, that haven't lived their life alone, who can interact socially and not feel lost.
All that said, I want you to know that I don't want to die. I'm not gonna go fall on my sword and rid the world of me, because I know that that is a solution that doesn't really help anyone, least of all myself. So if you do care enough to have read this far I want you to know you don't have to worry.
I guess that's enough venting for now. I do feel a bit better. Sorry for the wall of text.
this. story of my life.
sweetie, not everyone thinks you're lazy or just unwilling... those who do are ignorant fools stuck on their pink clouds where things like mental illnesses do not exist. you can't change those fools. just try not to let them get to you.
as for the special someone, look; I'm as fucked up as you are, and butt ugly to boot, yet even I found someone. it's not impossible. it could be years until you do find someone, but don't give up, ok? someone as nice as you just can't stay alone. it would be so unfair. :(
like you I've had feelings of doubt... why am I here, what purpose does my life have, and while I may have tinkered with the idea in the past, suicide isn't going to solve anything and I'm glad to see that despite everything, you're strong enough to go on. that in itself is a sign of healing, so who knows how things will be for you a couple of years from now... I managed to self-heal (enough to make life bearable), maybe you can too.
*bigbighuuuugs* stay strong.
Though I'd rather we didn't have these issues at all to begin with of course.
I keep telling myself I won't end up dying alone, some days are just harder than others. Sadly the "Nice guys finish last" aphorism is true more often than not.
I'll stay strong, I'm really too stubborn to let this kill me anyways =P
*hugs back*
my fiancé was 25 when we met - and he had been trying for years and years to find someone, in REAL LIFE. super nice guy (obviously... I wouldn't want some dickhead to spend my life with, lol) and a late bloomer. it's not the end of the world if you don't find someone before so-and-so age... maybe it was 50-100 years ago, but not now. ^^ keep being your awesome friendly self and you'll find someone sweet and caring who'll love you just the way you are, and help you develop and become the person you want to be. :) if it helps, I had completely accepted that I'd be alone forever when I met my fiancé, completely by accident.
hooray for us stubborn mental fuckups! :D
I don't normally talk about my problems with others though, it's easier to just vent like this from time to time.
I'm sure I'll be awesome (well, partly) and friendly till I die. =P
*Cheers to us* <-contains cola or some sort
I've only had 3 relationships in my life, all of them online, and they never went anywhere. They always ended horribly.
For some reason, I want to live though. I guess I have some kind of hope, because I never know what's going to happen. It's still depressing.
Well I did have that one thing at the end of 2009 which ended in my feeling being denied and me suffering from a crushed heart for about a month... it was never a relationship though.
Yeah, I guess I sub-consciously try to cling to some hope I don't consciously see, and thus want to live on.
Did for me!
A person I know had anti-depressants prescribed for him and it ended up making him suicidal... I just don't believe in that kind of crap.
I know how that feels, man. I'd tell you more, but I honestly don't know how to put it in words...
All I know is that I've been feeling... really angry, even hateful towards a lot of things in my life lately.
The more I think about it when I enter one of these phases the more irritable and frustrated I get with stuff that normally doesn't bother me as much.