So I've been trying some doodles here and there, trying to get a feel for how I can draw now that my hand is just about healed. I'm still having some tendon issues, but the drawing seems to be working almost as a type of physical therapy. Things are looking a bit off, but that's prolly a combination of the injury, and the fact that I haven't drawn anything for almost three weeks. Those problems can work themselves out with time.

But there's an underlying issue that predates the injury, as far as art goes...I just can't get myself motivated to draw. I have ideas, lots of ideas. I have entire pages of my Ralynkei comic totally planned out, and I know exactly who's gonna say what, and how. But when I go to draw out those ideas, I can't get the pencil to do what it needs to do. My mind suddenly goes blank. I still have the ideas there, but I can't get my hand to move to get them on paper. I end up staring at a blank piece of paper with a pencil in my hand until I get tired of just sitting there and do something else. And forcing myself to draw just makes the situation worse. I end up with a bunch of crappy artwork and a sense of...well...failure.

I'm sure depression and/or stress has at least some part of it. But I've felt that way before, and I've still been able to draw. In fact, drawing often helped me through those problems. Now, it's like I can't get myself to do anything to get that negative energy out of me. I just don't seem to have the energy for it, period.

And I feel that part of me that says that all that effort won't matter, anyway. In the end, I won't get recognition for what I do. Rarely do people even acknowledge that I did anything to begin with. You can tell me to ignore that feeling all you want, but hard as I try, it'll still be there, reminding me that I'll never be getting anywhere. Stuck in a dead-end job with people that mock me behind my back, and now unable to even do the one thing I've spent a lifetime working on.

I know there's many things I can't change, but even with the things I can, doing something about it ultimately does nothing. And believe me, I have tried. I've tried everything I can possibly think of, and it just brings me back to where I started. Don't get me wrong...I want things to change, I really do. I want it so bad I can feel it, taste it. But I can't seem to get it to happen, try as I might. I'm stuck in an endless loop of trying to improve my life, not getting anywhere, feeling dejected that I can't succeed, and starting over again. Rinse and repeat. And I think that's becoming the major block in my art and creativity...Being caught in this vicious cycle that I can't do anything about. So my subconscious, creative mind has given up, even when my conscious mind wants to try just one more time, in the hopes that this time will be different.

Also, I had a lot more rant in me than I thought I did when I started typing this. Amazing what happens when you just let your mind wander on...

~Kyetsu