Also a bit haphazardly written, be forewarned!

So while catching up on a backlog of notes, I was reminded about something I have been tossing about talking about for a while, that being, the reason I have not been taking commissions for such a long time. I realize I do not owe anyone an explanation for this but as I do appreciate the fandom and all that it has done for me, I suppose I have felt as though I am coming across as deliberately putting everyone at an arms length by not taking commissions anymore. This is especially true because of how artwork is viewed within the fandom, as something essential to bringing your stories and fantasies to life. This is very true for my own personal artwork as well.

But here is where we get to the crux of the matter. I joined the fandom not really knowing what it was or how I would fit into it. Mainly I joined because a few new friends had urged me to check out a furry convention and told me my work would be welcomed in the community. This was something I direly needed then and I felt perhaps it would bolster my failing confidence in my own work. In some ways it did and in others it did not.

I enjoyed a lot of the furry crowd, just about everyone was nice and supportive and I felt overwhelmed (in a good way) by the amount of talent the fandom boasted. I made many new friends and I really enjoyed these people. But something very quickly made me begin to dread conventions. The social aspect can be exhausting but it can also be very energizing, but the artistic side was what I began to dread. I started to take commissions just because, it was just kinda what artists did. But from the start I struggled very hard with these commissions. I think the more conventions I did, the more I realized how fickle my artistic muse was. Other artists told me it was just a matter of getting into the habit, that eventually it would get easier and more enjoyable. But for me, it did not. I would stay up nights crying and staring at blank paper because I simply could not urge out the most basic of things.

It would take me 3-5 hours to do one sketch at conventions. In turn, after a convention, I would feel so low about myself, I would shut down artistically, sometimes for weeks..or even months. There was an enormous disconnect between myself and my creativity. I cannot put into words how it feels. It is as if you have this wealth of knowledge/skill/etc and someone just locked the door to it and is taunting you with the key. I began to wonder whether I could ever do art as a career because I was having such a hard time doing something that so many others just seemed to excel at and even enjoy. Beyond that what was the hardest thing was feeling like your customers are disappointed in what you give them and secondly other artists, who you deeply admire, will later see these sketchbooks and think less of you for them. This actually has made me very closeted about my art. I became afraid to share any of my art in general, which is the most likely reason as to why I post so little of my artwork. If anything, taking commissions has made me more self conscious and critical about my art than it has made me feel confident. It's not that I didn't like anthro art, in fact, quite the opposite. I found a love for anthropomorphic art because of the fandom and it has become a vital part of my artistic aspirations. But I realized very quickly that I just couldn't draw on the spot.

In part I think it is the distractions. I am not the sort of person that can be interrupted every few minutes to speak with someone. But you do have to devote some amount of attention to the kind folks that stop by your table. I did not want to make them feel slighted or ignored so naturally I felt it only polite to stop what you are doing and give them your full attention. This disrupts the artistic process, at least for me. It is hard to regain the mood for it. Also I really enjoy working to music, it is even vital to my creative process but I feel it rude to wear headphones in a dealer's den. Also the general hecticness of a dealer's room is really distracting and taxing on me. By the end of the day I feel exhausted just from sitting there all day and then I have even less energy and creative juice to draw.

In second part, and I think this is the bigger reason for my struggle, is uncertainty where I belong artistically. This is especially true for anthro art which is fairly recent to me. I am very new at this kind of art and a lot of the time I am not certain what people expect of me when they commission me. I have been compared to other artists and even approached for commissions with the opening line "So and so is full up, and you are the next best thing!". I know they meant it as a compliment but well... When I draw for other people I am just never sure what 'style' or 'flavor' of art they expected of me and a lot of times I feel they expect a style of art from me that I don't feel is my own. In great part I feel I didn't have my 'own' style until very recently and even this is not something most people have seen because, as mentioned above, I have gotten into a bad habit of keeping personal art..well personal! This is something I am trying to break free of more at least C:!

The third part is, well I don't know how to right explain it. Art is not something wholly dependent on skill, I think all artists can agree with that but for me, unless I can find an inlet into an idea that I can truly sync with, I simply cannot create. Art is very simply a very delicate emotional balance. It is my center but also one of my greatest struggles. I cannot simply sit down and decide I will draw, I simply can't. I am trying to train some better habits so this may improve, but in general it's not something I can force and forcing it only encourages a viscous negative feedback loop.

So then, why bother to bring this all up publicly? Well, I have been called a snob by some people since I stopped taking commissions at conventions. Artists and people do talk and inevitably it reaches the ears of the person it was least meant for. I did feel hurt by this accusation but I understood how it would appear to people when the overwhelming trend is artists who come to conventions specifically to take sketch commissions. I am sure there are some artists who either had their egos inflated by the amount of attention they received or were simply overwhelmed by the number of requests for personalized art so they stopped taking commissions. I'm sure there have been cases where artists treated their fans very rudely without realizing it is those very fans who make them who they are. So I suppose the reason I wanted to speak up was to explain why I personally stopped taking commissions to dispel the need of any assumptions.

The fandom operates in a very unique way. One of the main driving factors is personalized artwork. That is one of the big things people in the fandom seek out of art. So I do feel like a bit of an odd man out at furry conventions. But there is that part of me that lingers, that relishes in the new people I get to meet, the talent Im exposed to and even some of the subculture (from which at least there is never a shortage of new stories to tell later ;P ). So I guess because I don't want to leave the fandom, I also don't want people to widely feel as though I'm stilted, prudish or just plain a snob. I would also love to be able work on more projects with fandom artists whose work and creativity I deeply respect and appreciate. It's just I realized the working method that works with many other artists simply does not work for me, but not from a lack of trying. I am however more than humbled by the amount of attention my work garnered among the fandom. I distinctly remember feeling undeserving from the moment I showed up on the furry scene. I still feel that way, but more than anything I feel grateful and humbled by all the kind words and the attention my work has and continues to receive.

As for the future. My life has changed enormously in the past few years. There have been both tumultuous and subtle changes and as a result I have grown a great deal, both artistically and as a person. I am hoping for a time when I can come to conventions and truly enjoy taking commissioned work, sometimes I even feel that time is at hand as I become more confident and find a 'flavor' of work that is my own. The future is a big and hopeful place after all.

Thanks for listening to this TLDR folks, now back to your regular programming :B!

I will leave this with a list of things owed to kind and patient folks(trades, commissions and misc). If someone out there has been left off accidentally, please note me about it and I will do my best to fix things up C:!
1.  Shastacat
2.  Lyonlover
3.  JC
4.  -kitsune
5. Tervicz Wolf
6.  hawaiianstile