I am writing this down so I do not forget, though I doubt I will forget something so profound but I am the kind of person who has to make things tangible so here goes.

I often wondered why I read stories about all these trans people who are miserable how they are which I understand yet I am not, I have felt I should have been a girl since I can recall however I currently dont want to tear off my flesh because it is "incorrect" I used to as a teen but that has faded, I worried it is because I had accepted my male gender and that I was not transgender but just a confused individual like my family predicted. I mean I don't dress as a female at home or in public which is because I know I am in the body of a male and would rather not try and "fake" a female appearance until I have the means to actually appear genuine however as far as I know this is not typical trans behavior, perhaps I am catagorizing too much. I mean I am getting female things that I can incorporate into my daily life but overall I don't need to "try" and be a female in appearance like I am now

I really thought this was all because I was not trans but I was happy to figure out differently in one of those magical moments where everything is illuminated for you, when life gives you a moment of peace and reprieve. I was at my grandmother's birthday supper with my family reading "Everything Nice" by Lannie Rose" when it dawned on me. I am not miserable because I AM a women and I know it. I look at my hands as they type and I feel delicate and feminine. I feel myself walking and I don't feel like a guy. I look in the mirror and yes I do see a male looking back at me but then he smiles and I can see right through him that even through his appearance he is very much female. It is hard to describe, I feel as though I am not my body and not that it is incorrect but that, it just is.

I honestly believe if there was no societal restrictions and I could dress and be treated the same as a female that I may not feel the need to transition. I do want to look as a female greatly but alot of it is because I want to have the experience of a female and to be percieved as one by others. I myself know who and what I am and I have accepted myelf as female and embraced it I am not changing myself, I am changing how the world views me... I guess it's a different way of looking at transitioning however I do believe there are others similar to me. I find it very frustrating that I am treated as a male still but I can't blame people as it is instince to act on appearance..

I do dreadfully wish for womens clothing and to be able to wear it and when Sultry get's back I will sstart trying to dress as a female but right now I am not comfortable enough, I am a very shy person believe it or not my shyness often causes me to hide my personality even among friends I feel shy and nervous, I would go into more details about it but it would offend some people and that's not what I want. I am going to be seeing a councellor about this as I have 2 to choose from XD

Sorry this is so long I really should have just made a vlog but I do not look good enough for camera at the moment and neither does y apartment. Perhaps another day.

Anyway have a nice evening and if you read this I am absolutely SHOCKED as I honestly expect NO ONE to get this far as I said this is a document more for myself to read and go over before my next therapy session