I have been doing some thinking over the last little while inspired by recent events. I used to believe that being truly happy meant having lots of friends and finding meaning in my relationships with these people. I would validate my existance through others, as how I percieve myself is not necessarily accurate and I feel a sense of worth being validated by others that I cannot give to myself. I mean being alone in the world is scary if someone insults you or criticizes your way of life how do you know they are wrong if you don't have someone to say how big of an idiot they are? How do you feel valid, or happy?

I have come to believe that this is not the way to live as friends are not perminant usually, there are very few friends that have stayed by me through the years and there is constant turmoil. I always worry that I am the villain and that all the misfortunes that come upon me are somehow a result of my actions and are a fault of mine after all why would so many people wrong me? I always tried to make alterations to myself or refrained from taking actions that were in my best interest solely for the sake of not upsetting the other person, sometimes even if that meant me being abused which in recent months it has to a lesser extent.

I think the true key to happiness is being able to be happy and alone at the same time, to be satisfied with yourself and be who you are despite what others think... however that seems like ignorance to me as one has to conform to society as a whole to some degree due to acceptable etiquette. However I have fallowed all of the rules and still I am wronged, I thought if I was helpful and kind to everyone that when I was in need they would rush to my aid circumstances aside. However this is not always true nor should I rely on people to do such, relying on others is a mistake that has cost me a grave deal. From today I am going to be me and do what is best for me, anyone who wishes to be my friend will do so knowing full well how I am and not expect characteristics of me that do not exist.

This more affects my physical life than anything else as I have lost a great many people this year and it seems the drama that comes from the people around me is great and could be avoided if more action was taken towards it by myself, however I have abstained to avoid the almighty "drama" the bell that furries ring the second something goes wrong. So I am done with organized furry groups for the most part and am going to learn to be more self sufficient. As I can rely on me and only me to protect myself and face judgements. More than that I need to be strong to hold up a home for when I get Sultry back, So a strong independant women I will be. This is a very freeing realization... but it also saddens me as humans are social creatures and I have lost that in the physical world for the most part. but oh well new connections will be built, or they won't I need to learn to be happy and sufficient with or without them.