Do you ever just feel like you're just drained? Like, you can't do anything productive with yourself to save your life? That's how I've felt lately... and its really shitty since I really want to get back on these stories before National Poetry Writing Month in April. Its so difficult for me to get focused when I have so many other things coming up in my life.... I still need a car, and I need to also find a new place to live soon... I'm hoping that when I am moved out of this place I can find some piece and quiet every once in a while (lately, all the times its been quiet I use to feed my lust with fevered masturbation o.o [wow, that sounds perverted {but its true}])

Lately... I've felt like a lot of the people who cared a lot about me have moved on too, and now that these new faces are showing up, it feels strange.. since I want to be friendly and everything, but I want to also have those connections I found earlier in life... and want to embrace again. I just miss people, and I miss spending time chatting with them about whatever... anymore, I stare at AIM and MSN, and I may have a few conversations going, I sometimes really wish that a few certain somebodies were online to talk with as well that I miss a ton. (Not that I don't mind talking with new people either~)

I hate how variable my pay is. I get paid $6/hr plus commission, and that cane yield me anywhere between $8-$13/hr depending on how the weeks are... and its not like I can exactly forecast it. I always hound the numbers too, checking myself with everybody, and I get really discouraged whenever my days are bad and somebody else does so much better at the same job I do. The thing is too that I've done a lot of hard work and have gotten recognized for doing the other duties besides sale that need to be done by everybody often, but that doesn't really help my paychecks... its just numbers... I really want to quit my job over it. I'm sick of stepping in front of me and getting these huge sales when I'm left high and dry with nothing - especially since I'm behind x.x

Now the story: I was dragged out to a bar up in Columbia, MD - even though I had about $0 to really spend, on St. Patrick's Day. It was neat, since a girl I like a lot was there, but it was kind of sad when I couldn't really drink till somebody bummed me a few... I'm not sure how many I had, but I was downing them like nothing. Soon, I started to feel pretty good and buzzed, nothing really shit faced or anything (it takes a bit for that to work). I was then told that the party was shifting to a bonfire at my roommate's parents' house. It started off okay, I started drinking Guinness over and over, and was having a neat time. I've been to the house a few times and I knew its layout alright, but when I went to go use the bathroom none of the lights were on. I reached into the door and tried to turn on a light switch for what I thought was the bathroom, only to find myself feeling a strange sensation. Turns out I found the door to the basement instead, and I fell down a flight of stairs face first, landing on my head and my hand, on impact I whited out a moment and I kind of laid there in a daze, trying to piece together what actually happened. I heard my roommate's mother-in-law come down and she shrieked a very worried "Daniel!" and that's when I knew I had to get up and let her know that I was okay. Though since then, its been difficult to use my left thumb, and ... I'm not sure if I'm just tired, or something's weird... but I feel that my head might be a little affected by it... I'm not sure. I'm not sure what i'm suppose to do, I want to get some help with it, but I'm so broke right now I can't really afford a doctor's bill. For now, either way, its been a real shitty fall for me, and its made work really obnoxious... I just really don't feel like doing much of anything.

So yeah...that's the update on me for now. I hope to get on more and get some writing done at SOME point.... its unacceptable how long I've taken to get anything done, and I'm really sorry....