I was doing so well... now im sloping back down to where i was before...
i don't like making emo journal entries... i dont even like MAKING them. i hate it when people treat their journals as personal diaries... though that's what im doing now isn't it? im a hypocrite. bahh..
i've been stuck in this endless loop for the last few months, where everything will be ok. i won't be sad, but i wont be happy. Everything is just nutral. hippy-like... if i must say.
i like it when my emotions treat me well... though i wish they would last, and not treat me like they are right now...
I still have the same issues that made me sad before... they aren't going to disappear. they aren't going to magically float away.
no matter how hard I try, they will always be looming over my shoulder... waiting for a good day to strike when i'm at my weakest...
I wish there was some way where i could just erase my memory... start from scratch... start a new life... do things right this time..
I don't nessicarily care about my future... i don't want to have to move out on my own... thrown out to the dogs.
life is going to get tougher.. i can't imagine it more tough than it is right now...
and i dont mean life is PHYSICALLY tough, i can deal with the day to day routines of getting up in the morning...going to the same classes...seeing the same people... im used to that. it's the toughness of the emotional toll on myself. me thinking and worrying about my friends and the ones near and dear to me. wondering if my mom is okay, thinking what will happen if something suddenly happens to her... worrying of how im going to get through this class without having to re-take it.
all this wondering...
i can't get a solid answer from myself...
i can't imagine life in the future.... i almost dont want to live it...
but i know i have to.. i dont want to let my friends down.
i dont even feel like im living this life for myself...
ugh...
in this endless cycle... after the neutral emotions float away, im left with myself and the bad emotions. i feel like i lose all hope of a happier life. i don't know what it is, if my brain is sick of my caring attitude, or if my subconcious wants me to care about myself more... who knows.
i hate caring about myself... i feel so selfish when i buy myself something nice...or get new clothes...
i dont know what to do
the emotions just cycle... so much ups and downs...
maybe its just part of being a teenager...
but i dunno...
ugh..
fuck...

sorry for the emo journal... i just had to get a few things down on paper... trying to get my thoughts out without having people bitch at me.
even if you do bitch or troll me... give me your best shot. i dont even care.
im not asking for sympathy... i just need some solid guidance...
im pretty independent... ijust dont know what to do with my life......