The world has a funny way of expecting to dictate your moves and actions, be it the people around you, pressuring or pushing you into doing something you do or don't want to do, the ideas around you that make you behave like you do, or the experiences that shape you, or even just the outside forces that is life itself, making things happen because that's what life does. Though, there's the rare occasions where all of that means nothing, and what was likely supposed to happen inevitably doesn't, spawning a new individual or chain of events within the lives of anyone affected. You're pushed to certain limits sometimes by it all, or you face decisions that you otherwise never wanted to make. Every decision has an outcome, a preset level of actions - when you do one thing, you set wheels for the next, and every step you take you progress further and further into it. The route can change, but a destination is always waiting. You don't win. You just make choices that worked out well for you, or you don't. Welcome to the fucking world.

I have so many decisions, so many moves I could make, I make one move to one route and I change a situation, I do the opposite, I change a situation. There's no give or take, no basic plotted line, no simple way to progress forwards on backwards. It's all just one big weird following. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I don't know where I'm gonna go. I don't know the best route, I don't know the best choice. I don't know where one road will lead and another well end. I don't know how long it will stretch, how far it will reach, how deep it will push or how far it will go. I don't know how shallow it is or how bad a course it'll be. Will I get hurt? If so, physically? Emotionally? Both? What if I don't? Will I be happy? Or will I be sad? Will I be indecisive or condescending? Out of my depth or in control? I don't know. It's fucking annoying, because I barely know where I am or where I stand. I don't know if I'm about to make the best decision of my life or the worst fuck-up I've ever encountered.

A part of me, is kinda screaming that I'm about to screw myself over, and I'm not exactly sure how or why. I'm not sure if it's the decision I'm about to make or if it's just the gut feeling I have. I'm not even sure if I win in the situation I'm in, to be honest. There doesn't seem to be a great way forward, every direction is just another rough road into a shit patch. I lose something either way, and I gain nothing. I can ask for all the advice I want or need - and I have asked multiple sources - but I get responses for either direction. So now it's down to me. As I've said, I don't know what I want to do, but I know the questions I have to ask, the responses I need to get before I can get a decision, though it doesn't help for two days I've not been able to speak to the person concerned since I think they're avoiding me right now till tomorrow. Not helping the situation much.

We'll see where this goes, or how it goes. I wonder if it'll be sorted quietly or if things will explode. Only time will tell.