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A journal about my thoughts no one cares about.
14 years ago
"Why does Mountain Dew White Out look like Crux Spooge?" ~Lormyr
To no big surprise, No one seemed to really read or reply to my FWA journal, so, figure I might as well make a new one on my thoughts lately while in a mix of insanity from sickness and weirdly sane insight in the madness. As a whole, anyone that knows me knows I am in a species flux, like, near constantly. I was stable for a while, as Husky sorta, but like usual, stuff happens, I change, I end up miserable, people are disappointed. I have tried everything, tried asking others for advice, tried to ignore everyone and be what I want, various degrees in between. I even went cold turkey on Second Life, which is hard for me, as it was sorta a place I could hop on, and play with things, as that was, as I realized with some help, was a cause of change.
But I had settled not too long before FWA, to be "Ferret" and stick with it, forcing myself to stick with it even, trying to get myself to keep to something still. I was fine, I managed with it, even with stressing out, then FWA happened, traveled north to Canton, GA to hang with
renardfoxx for a few days before. At the con, Thursday, at around 3, met this one fur, she was a hyena, forget her name, just remember she had a purple hyena wit ha green mohawk and tail that curled over he left hip was asking me where registration was. Told her I didn't know, we just got there too and where wondering. She asked what I was, I said Ferret, and she said "You remind me more of an otter" or some such, and that sorta started it all.
Literally, all Con, I was mistaken for an otter, or told I remind people more of an otter than ferret and so on. SO, by second or third day, I was in this weird species flux, "ferret vs otter" thing. Ferret being, The European Polecat/American Mink Hybrid that I have on my badge, and Otter being the North American River Otter/Bengal Tiger Hybrid that Immelmann drew here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5312756/ The sorta struggle was going on all con, and even up to this very moment as I write this. And I realize the problem why, they are custom made to be just what I want in a fagsona really.
I won't really go into it all, but pretty much, the issue is, ferret started, normal ferret, and evolved in ability and form to the point that, I lost repeatability with him, and dropped him, which really is what started the search for species, and, surprise surprise, the first species I changed to from ferret? It was River Otter, likely to do from the inspiration of living with an otter tribe for years, and the first time I saw a River Otter in my back yard pond, hunting fish. It didn't help that after a long while, I hated ferrets to the point I refused for the past 2 years to be one. I still hold some sorta hate for it, but I just dunno anymore, but I am still known as Sev the ferret on Yahoo and AIM, so I end up in this weird thing of feeling obliged to be one.
But I started work on otter-tiger some time ago, with some help from a friend, and built him how I wanted sorta, to fit the issues I have. To be submissive, but able to properly dom, the be prey, but be a pred as needed, to take bottom but have the ability to top as needed. Which I could just use characters for whatever I need on RP/stories and stuff, and I understand that, but that is a cause of change for me. When I play/write with a character, the character becomes me, then I want it to be my fagsona. I in sense, lost myself long ago, when the dam between my fursona, and characters I create sorta broke and the creative juices intermingle. Not to mention, I also have their weird thing, where I need realism in stuff yet... I want things that are purely fantasy, and it just confuses my mind and adds to the stress.
I'm sure no one cares, I just, sorta felt like venting for whatever reason, and just dunno what to do right now, being stressed, tired, and still slightly sick. I'll add more to this later prolly when I get home to SC, since right now still at Red's place and being reminded I need to leave as I have been here almost 2 weeks and I guess they all are getting really sick of me.
But I had settled not too long before FWA, to be "Ferret" and stick with it, forcing myself to stick with it even, trying to get myself to keep to something still. I was fine, I managed with it, even with stressing out, then FWA happened, traveled north to Canton, GA to hang with
renardfoxx for a few days before. At the con, Thursday, at around 3, met this one fur, she was a hyena, forget her name, just remember she had a purple hyena wit ha green mohawk and tail that curled over he left hip was asking me where registration was. Told her I didn't know, we just got there too and where wondering. She asked what I was, I said Ferret, and she said "You remind me more of an otter" or some such, and that sorta started it all.Literally, all Con, I was mistaken for an otter, or told I remind people more of an otter than ferret and so on. SO, by second or third day, I was in this weird species flux, "ferret vs otter" thing. Ferret being, The European Polecat/American Mink Hybrid that I have on my badge, and Otter being the North American River Otter/Bengal Tiger Hybrid that Immelmann drew here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5312756/ The sorta struggle was going on all con, and even up to this very moment as I write this. And I realize the problem why, they are custom made to be just what I want in a fagsona really.
I won't really go into it all, but pretty much, the issue is, ferret started, normal ferret, and evolved in ability and form to the point that, I lost repeatability with him, and dropped him, which really is what started the search for species, and, surprise surprise, the first species I changed to from ferret? It was River Otter, likely to do from the inspiration of living with an otter tribe for years, and the first time I saw a River Otter in my back yard pond, hunting fish. It didn't help that after a long while, I hated ferrets to the point I refused for the past 2 years to be one. I still hold some sorta hate for it, but I just dunno anymore, but I am still known as Sev the ferret on Yahoo and AIM, so I end up in this weird thing of feeling obliged to be one.
But I started work on otter-tiger some time ago, with some help from a friend, and built him how I wanted sorta, to fit the issues I have. To be submissive, but able to properly dom, the be prey, but be a pred as needed, to take bottom but have the ability to top as needed. Which I could just use characters for whatever I need on RP/stories and stuff, and I understand that, but that is a cause of change for me. When I play/write with a character, the character becomes me, then I want it to be my fagsona. I in sense, lost myself long ago, when the dam between my fursona, and characters I create sorta broke and the creative juices intermingle. Not to mention, I also have their weird thing, where I need realism in stuff yet... I want things that are purely fantasy, and it just confuses my mind and adds to the stress.
I'm sure no one cares, I just, sorta felt like venting for whatever reason, and just dunno what to do right now, being stressed, tired, and still slightly sick. I'll add more to this later prolly when I get home to SC, since right now still at Red's place and being reminded I need to leave as I have been here almost 2 weeks and I guess they all are getting really sick of me.
I started out as a cat girl, everyone disliked her cause she had skin...
Later I became a kampie, Catgirlish with a mermaid side and a cootch that would unbirth and vore, still no response
So I became what I felt like, a panda and it works with me :D
Be what you wanna be as a fursona, but don't forget RP is RP and you can be anyone in it.
Yeah, nekos and such usually aren't liked by furs I find. xP
Lulz, yeah, that sucks, but happens.
Pandas seem to we well liked, yeah
And I know that, I had a looong talk with myself on the 5 hour drive down to Bluffton, SC from Canton, GA. XD
As for the species thing *points at his giant plethora of species*
I had/have the same issue you have, never able to settle, people say I remind them of X or Y or B or J and I like this species one week and then another the other. So in the end I settled for Shapeshifter. I can be whatever I want to be when the mood takes me and they all have their own personalities, names and appearances.
In the end, as late as last year I settled on Aesc, he is.. well practically me, RL me down to a T, and a ram, he fits me very well and I just stumbled upon him but all the others are still me and when the mood takes me to RP or do something I will pluck the character that currently appeals to me out of my mind and play them.
Mm what I am trying to say with this I guess is that it doesn't matter what others think. Be what you feel comfortable with being at the time. Just allow yourself to switch and don't let others make you feel uncomfortable. I know there can be people out there who roll their eyes or get on your case because you change species but in the end. Do what you feel the most comfortable with being and doing.
I'd be happy to talk more on the matter too if you like, RP is after all just RP so be any character you want and as for fursona if you want to change or be something different then do so. Like take when I go to a Con or a Meet, I am an otter normally! I feel like being an otter when I am around all my friends and being bubbly and bouncy and mRAWR fun!
But say when i go to a friends for a weekend of tabletop RP and chilling I feel like being my Skunk fursona, that attitude suits me for that situation. Mm I guess I has waffled enough for now but I hope you can see the point I was aiming for heh.
For me, I started hating shapeshifters.
Like, I thought they where lazy/greedy or something, and ended up hating them, then ended up in their weird flux after messing around in a Transformation channel and getting addicted to the feel of transforming to something else.
And like I said, I want a set base, at least, and could play other characters from there. I want something that fits me, not something that is just another character I try to make me. Then do like you said and for RP choose a separate character to play.
And I know it doesn't matter, but I still care what others think sometimes, and it effects me deep down where I can't guard against it.
Talking would be fine, I don't really have many people to talk to on the topic usually. xP
I understand what you mean though, and I am trying to be like that sorta, which, comes back to the ferret vs otter thing, they both can be a base, but are so similar, it's hard to choose. xP
Mm the quest for a base form can be a real tricky one, it took me ages but *splumps atop you and holds ya down*
If you are wavering between otter and ferret combine the two it is easy enough to mix the pair together and created a base you are happy with.
What are you looking for? What do you want the base to say? Take my Aesc he sums up pretty much all of me that is me and I tend not to rp with him because I have found when I start RPing with a character I count as "Me" because I find they tend to start developing on their own and developing different personalities until I am left in the situation of them "Not" being a representation of me anymore.
*chews your ears some more and strokes his chin* I think the best way to deal with the Ferret vs Otter situation is to combine the two into something you want and as for people looking down on Shapeshifters or seeing them as greedy or whatever well meh I just tend to ignore them somewhat. Transformation and having different characters to enjoy is part of what I enjoy, if they don't enjoy it that is there right.
Yeah, i know, at least the past 5 years has been me working to try to figure stuff out. *pets and yawns*
Well, it isn't that easy, as i said, otter = N. American River Otter/Bengal Tiger hyb, and ferret = European Polecat/American Mink hyb, they aren't mixable. =P
I really don't know, I am... complex, and hard to define in words right now at this ungodly hour. xP I need to start doing that, but it's finding the me before finding the them.
*twitches ears more and hmms himself* Like I said, the two aren't combineable really, and it's just a few select people that effect me with peer pressure, even jokingly, that get to me.
Yeah, I know what you mean sorta.
*strokes his chin and yawns*
Mmm I should get together and work through it with you *nods* Peer pressure sadly is something we all has to deal with on our own but mmm it took me nearly 8 years to work it out myself hehe
*pets and yawns*
Yeah, I'd like that, would be helpful on some level. x3
Wait that's neverland.
Ignore those directions. You can talk to me via notes or hunt me up on aim sometime.
Ok, added ya
=3