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Help, I don't think I am going to make it thru today.
14 years ago
General
I know many of you are not my "friends", most of you just like funny comics so sorry about this. I don't do this very often but I had to, I... have too.
Today is a day where I feel my insides are going to explode outside. I have a lot of things bottled up. I have a mate who right now hates having me around, and would rather I just leave him alone. I have a job I am very overworked at (even if it pays well). I really don't have any friends here around Denver. My life is not in a good spot.
Then there is my situation around the furs in Denver. I don't know any. I have tried to be friendly... it’s not like I have been unfriendly. I just am socially awkward. No one hates me but I don't know how to move forward into friendship with folks. I don't have that program. I have had 2 friends my entire fucking life. 1 Lives in St. Louis and we don't talk so much the last 2 years (he is not furry or gay) and the other lives in Holland and a 8 hour time difference with both of us working full time 9-5 gigs... we don't get to talk or do much online except the weekends and I see him RARELY RL now.
My work is full of about 48 hours worth of work and 32 hours in which to do it (I spend 8 hours a week in another department assisting). So this leaves me 16 hours a week behind since November. I have not touched my DOT files... and I fear when they find out I am going to get canned. I live with this over my head constantly. They just keep shoving more responsibilities into my job title. So every day I go to work and I fear it could be my last day walking in. I think earning a paycheck, as he tries to start his business, is the only reason he keeps me around. (Keep in mind this is just the negativity in me coming out. He isn’t a bad person. I just think right now we are VERY toxic and I want to fix it, and he doesn’t. So it leaves me wanting to fix things with him and him wanting to get away from me).
Then there is the people I have online tried to be friends with. The issue always seems to be eventually they bore of me, meet Lagarto, like him, sleep with him, and ignore me. This has happened about 3 or 4 times now. The next person already started last Sunday and now that’s one less person in my life. So yeah...
Today my thoughts have been... about checking out. They have been in and out there for about a week now but they are really strong today. I can't talk to it with certain people because they would just dump me for being unhappy I fear. Maybe it's paranoia I don’t know. He has offered to talk but I know it would not end well for me. Pretty much just him giving up on me I think. He is unhappy with my weight gain, my desire to go to conventions with him, and my desire to spend my free time with him.
Anyways I guess I am just rambling now. If you don't hear from me or something don't assume I killed myself. If I do that I am sure it will make the online rounds. I may have just decided to hide out for a while, or maybe Lagarto saw this and tossed my ass out, or broke it off with me, or maybe I got fired from work. I am just saying I don’t know what I am going to do... just wish someone could help me. Tossing down a bottle of pills is temping but I am fairly sure I don't have the guts to end it all. I suck ;\
Today is a day where I feel my insides are going to explode outside. I have a lot of things bottled up. I have a mate who right now hates having me around, and would rather I just leave him alone. I have a job I am very overworked at (even if it pays well). I really don't have any friends here around Denver. My life is not in a good spot.
Then there is my situation around the furs in Denver. I don't know any. I have tried to be friendly... it’s not like I have been unfriendly. I just am socially awkward. No one hates me but I don't know how to move forward into friendship with folks. I don't have that program. I have had 2 friends my entire fucking life. 1 Lives in St. Louis and we don't talk so much the last 2 years (he is not furry or gay) and the other lives in Holland and a 8 hour time difference with both of us working full time 9-5 gigs... we don't get to talk or do much online except the weekends and I see him RARELY RL now.
My work is full of about 48 hours worth of work and 32 hours in which to do it (I spend 8 hours a week in another department assisting). So this leaves me 16 hours a week behind since November. I have not touched my DOT files... and I fear when they find out I am going to get canned. I live with this over my head constantly. They just keep shoving more responsibilities into my job title. So every day I go to work and I fear it could be my last day walking in. I think earning a paycheck, as he tries to start his business, is the only reason he keeps me around. (Keep in mind this is just the negativity in me coming out. He isn’t a bad person. I just think right now we are VERY toxic and I want to fix it, and he doesn’t. So it leaves me wanting to fix things with him and him wanting to get away from me).
Then there is the people I have online tried to be friends with. The issue always seems to be eventually they bore of me, meet Lagarto, like him, sleep with him, and ignore me. This has happened about 3 or 4 times now. The next person already started last Sunday and now that’s one less person in my life. So yeah...
Today my thoughts have been... about checking out. They have been in and out there for about a week now but they are really strong today. I can't talk to it with certain people because they would just dump me for being unhappy I fear. Maybe it's paranoia I don’t know. He has offered to talk but I know it would not end well for me. Pretty much just him giving up on me I think. He is unhappy with my weight gain, my desire to go to conventions with him, and my desire to spend my free time with him.
Anyways I guess I am just rambling now. If you don't hear from me or something don't assume I killed myself. If I do that I am sure it will make the online rounds. I may have just decided to hide out for a while, or maybe Lagarto saw this and tossed my ass out, or broke it off with me, or maybe I got fired from work. I am just saying I don’t know what I am going to do... just wish someone could help me. Tossing down a bottle of pills is temping but I am fairly sure I don't have the guts to end it all. I suck ;\
and i was just listing reasons people have broken up with me, regardless of whether or not i actually have those problems.
I'll be wishing you some good luck and stuff from here. Good luck, man.
Listen to someone who's been there, and seen it all around. When you in a negative way, everything seems horrible. Society is collapsing, nobody loves you and the ice cream melted. It's at this point that we must realize that there are people here to help. The world is not conspiring against us, it just is. Therefore people must help each other, your not alone.
Feel free to drop me a line, I've gotten pretty good at just listening to people.
I will drop you a note.
Kinda got the impression you were bored of me, actually. (Which is okay if you are)
Good that you're getting it out in the open... Come catch up with me sometime? We might not have so much in common as we once did, maybe we do... But we can still ramble a bit :)
Sure we can catch up I will drop you a note.
Like I said, I don't know you but certainly hope you feel better. Just try to put it into perspective. =/
*hug* I hate to see anyone miserable like this, and I'm sorry there isn't more I can do to help :( Just try to keep your chin up. You create the world you live in, so if you see everything negatively than that's what you make of the world. Confidence and optimism go a long way to making you happier with your life.
From my own experiences (and that is really the only thing we can go by and relate to the rest of the world by) having lived with someone that was trying to get a living off the ground while i was the supporter they also became distant. but it was not that they were using me but that they felt that they were using me which made them feel guilty which made them distant. They were worried i was hating them and tried to be in my life as little as possible. this may be what is going on with your mate right now. Perhaps he is feeling bad about all that is going on and feeling like a leach or something and is being distant for fear or whatever. it may indeed have nothing to do with anything you personally have done. it is a horrid feeling when you feel like you are using someone which is how i feel now living where i do. even with paying some of the bills i still feel like i am using him and getting to live the "high life" while he works all week long. even though this is not true the feeling is there. in my case i am trying to make this a really nice house and repair what i can and do what i can to make him happy instead of hiding though the urge to just hide in my bed is quite strong.
I really hope that you find something better in your life and that you can someday come out of your shell.
I still shall hold out some hope for you.
I'm very sorry to hear all this, I actually come rarely on FA so it's even a suprise I noticed this in my message box.
I really hope things do get better for you though..
I still think you where a nice guy, and you are a lot of fun to have around during rpg's :)
It's just a shame that it's such a big distance to cross nowadays...
I miss my Eurofriends too... I miss living there but sadly I had to move ;(
I've learned to cope by disposing of most of my negative emotions, aside from cockiness and occasional annoyance. I keep the mindset that i'm better than everyone else, be it intellectually, genetically (surely not physically :3), but by doing that, i don't get hit with the stress and bends of life..
*hugs*
Your boss needs to know that s/he's piling on more work than you can handle and needs to fix that mistake or a lot of work is going to go undone. (You might want to find a lawyer to keep in reserve first in case you need to sue for wrongful dismissal afterwards.)
As for your mate, talk to him. Sit down together and talk about your issues, look for ways to help each other. First, though, tell him how much you love him, make sure he knows you want to stay together. (If necessary, tell him in so many words.)
I grew up without even knowing what to do with a friend. I had to figure it out as an adult. It's all about compassion; trying to understand what others are feeling and doing the right thing about it. (Figure out what's nice to people you like -- expect it to be different in every case -- then be nice to them. Hint; pay attention to memes.)
And for pity sake, please don't give up. You don't deserve to die.
I suppose it doesn't help too much that I live 60 miles south of Denver, and that while I know who is there, but not really know them that well. Nor have I had much luck with befriending people online. What seems to be my biggest problem is that I don't reach out to others, and so people mostly ignore me.
I'm not sure if this is helping that much, but it seems like there's a lot of people who like you and care about you. I feel certain that the world would be much sadder without you, so do stick around. Thing's are bound to get better eventually.
To be honest, when I first met you I didn't like you, but you grew on me (kind of like cancer but in a good way ^_^ ). Be strong. ;)
I am never too asleep.
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