Felt like posting this here as  calgor has removed me from his LJ friend's list. I'm sorry for the drama guys... I just can't really take this kind of emotional crap and dealing with this kind of childish avoidant behavior which has become so rampant lately... If you can't face a problem directly people run from it or do passive-aggressive stuff... That being said... Here is my recent LJ journal entry which I made completely public.
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I recently have just been dealing with quite a bit here. I will be quite honest... I had a bit of a break down. Just been dealing with burdens of the past with family, past relationships, current dealings and possible relationships... friendships, and a number of other things... Burdens that have always been there, but beforehand I was easily able to deal with because of all the "Emotional Armor" I wore. One day though after a recent convention "Furry Fiesta" it seemed I woke up without all that Armor and Mask(s) that I hid behind... Like I grabbed a bit of lightning and was zipping by through life at high speed! All throughout knowing that it was probably a bad thing and that there would be a crash at the end... All very cognizant of what was going on.

It's just been very hard. I was getting irritable at the slightest of things done by others, little snide comments or anything of the like that I'd normally shrug off I just wasn't dealing with all that well. Anything small was like a hill, or bigger than it should be... Basically I look at it as my emotional 'ARMOR' if you will cracking and crumbling. How I'd normally dealt with things and compartmentalized my feelings or how I'd act towards people was breaking down as well.

People had been so used to seeing me only while wearing my 'ARMOR' that, THAT was who they thought I was, and not the person who essentially 'hid' underneath that armor. I hid for a few reasons...

1. To not hurt others. I kept a lot of people at arms length so as not to let them be hurt, but also not let them so close as to be hurt in return. I would only let the hurt affect me 'so' much if ever hurt by someone and such, but I think I did let it hurt me more than I really let on, even to myself.

2. It's always easier to hide where you feel 'safe and secure'... Your 'happy place' if you will.

3. This wasn't for hiding, but how I dealt with situations... Only letting some friendships get 'so' far... drawing as it were a 'line in the sand' and if someone couldn't meet me at that level then the level of friendship would stay at whatever level it had gotten to... be it acquaintance, friendship, close friendship, etc.

I have been told by people that in all truthfulness things with "ME" are fine, though I don't always see it that way. I always look at as there are always things to improve upon. Like health wise, working out, things like that. Here lately though people have been telling me I need to stop and slow down some.

Recently was at Furry Fiesta, and after that con I think I woke up one morning, didn't put on the layers of emotional armor I put on usually to deal with people or keep things at a distance and just began running full tilt non stop. It's been fun, but unfortunately crashes have happened.

I am not going to go into any details, except for those who are already in the know personally both locally and long distance about what I've been dealing with. Suffice to say I have been through therapy or am still going through therapy. Have seen a MD Psychiatrist and all. Have had some good counseling and all. I've also been learning to "slow down" as well.

Mostly my meter was busted... How I'd deal with a situation. Usually on a 10point scale something that would have usually been a 2, was like a 7 or 8 usually. Sometimes I'd dial things to 10, or past 10 depending on how pissed I got. Things are way better now. At least I didn't have to be admitted to the In-Patient ward of a hospital. I am not gonna go into all that I went through therapy wise. Things are better now, but still recovering.

I'm leaving this open to all friends to see... I will not hide it behind filters, but know this that there are filters, and certain people will not be privy to my inner most thoughts. Besides I hardly post to this journal any way and have really wondered about keeping this journal.

Some other things to note of getting rid of negative influences...


1. Got rid of a large green towel that I had kept from  calgor leaving and had been using as the towel I'd dry off with. Just keeping it around.

2. Two bottles of some kind of shampoo/conditioner (I believe the brand is called Timotea) for the same above reason, left behind.
3. Sold the black swept hilt rapier to a friend because I just couldn't bear keeping it in my apartment as a reminder.
4. I've been trying to decide what to do with a piece of art I have in my sketchbook (from  blotch dealing with me and said feline... I don't know yet. *shrugs*

5. There have been other things I've contemplated like some things with a piece of artwork of myself and hydra_velsen as well.

I've been able to keep usually good relations with past relationships... These two obviously not so. Some has been me, most has been on them. I mean even  celyddon and I have been good friends... strained at times, but still good. Something I'd like for others like Calgor and Hydra to be like... But face it you can't always be good friends with ex's right? Wishful thinking at best.

Calgor though, I thought much better of, and the childishness on both our sides has just been so... Lets just say it hasn't done me a lot of good emotionally. Hydra I never was so distraught over. I've wanted things to be that whole "Soul Mate" thing I mentioned about in previous journal posts as Calgor said those words after we broke up not I... That he felt we were still on that level, but I think it was just caught up with the emotion of the time... It never was to be like that afterwards though. He's never been there ever for me... So that in and of itself tells a lot... Yea he's not here locally, but I would've given up so much for him... For example.... I wouldn't have my Honda Insight (which I paid off in a year... where he said he couldn't be here because he had to pay off a car note which would take 3/4yrs.) This relationship (or lack thereof) I probably should have ended earlier on now that I think about it... due to the having to wait 3/4yrs. for him to come to the US. Especially from what  teiran said about that situation, and that we aren't really friends. That If he really wanted to be here, the car didn't matter or shouldn't have. *shrugs* That's just hindsight looking back at it... He hasn't been much of a friend to any of us over here on the U.S. like my brother  dook who says he's a fair-weather friend which is quite right in my opinion.

I just don't think he he really wanted to leave... I personally think I shouldn't have gotten with Hydra either, or given him a second chance... He showed me he cared more about Second Life than an actual relationship. He even wrote a journal post wishing he could change 2005. I do not know what he is up to, or what he does for a living, and quite frankly I couldn't care less... His career and everything else was way more important. He moved to Virginia for something with SL with DJ Genki, instead of being with me... That told me all I needed to know then, and still I let myself be walked over...

I'm done being walked over. Done being quiet and just letting things slide. I plan on being more active in general.

I've got my own burdens to bear, with family and everything else. A lot of things I am not going to go into. I've got a real big WHITE KNIGHT COMPLEX where I take on others' burdens on top of my own... Take the bullet for people as it were. I am a fighter. I did all this and I finally broke down... I still was worrying about others, even as I was and still am broken.

I have my friend  teiran to really thank for a lot he has done for me. He helped take me by the hand to the doctor, the emergency room, and to the MD Psychiatrist and all I've been working with. Now I just have to deal with work and short term disability leave and FMLA. Other than those pains I've been dealing with getting my apartment straightened out which it hasn't been in a long while. My current roomie will be pulling his fair share better and will not be living like we had previously. I can't wait for us to move into a 2bedroom 2bath apartment near the duck pond, been in a 2bed 1bathroom currently.

In the end all will be well. I will be better for everyone. This broken knight is learning how much armor is really needed, re-learning himself and it's a long journey ahead for myself. Just please don't leave me... I need the support, even if I don't ask... Actually I didn't ask for help from my friends... They saw and felt something was happening and came to MY rescue... I can't thank you all enough...

THANK YOU!

You are all loved and I still can't express my gratitude for the help, just still dealing with me is still hard, but thank you.