FA+
Shop
Need advice: How far is too far?
14 years ago
Okay, so... I've been placed in a bit of an awkward situation and I'm not sure how to proceed. :/ I've talked to a close friend about it, but hearing a few more opinions couldn't hurt. Keep in mind that this is some really personal info, and sorry for the length of the journal.
My best friend is straight and he's currently in a year-long relationship with a girl he absolutely adores. I've never seen a more randomly perfect couple. xD Yet ever since I came out to him (about a year ago), I've been getting some subtly sexual signals from him. Immediately after I told him I'm gay and showed him some of my M/M yiff drawings, he asked if I'd drawn our characters together and mentioned he wouldn't have minded if I had. At the time, I assumed it was just his way of adjusting to my homosexuality (and I had suspected he'd think I was attracted to him in some way... that was actually a big fear I had about coming out to him). He also claimed he's 25% gay (or half-bi) and would consider performing gay acts in the future, despite being almost fully attracted to girls. He quoted me, saying, "Everyone should have a gay experience at least once in their lifetime."
About a month later, I spent the night at his house and we went swimming the next day. When we were done, he mentioned how badly he felt like mastur-(don't continue reading if your delicate ears can't handle 18+ conversations xD)-bating, and he proceeded to go upstairs to his bedroom to do just that; he also offered me his laptop in case I felt like doing the same. Though this wasn't exactly directed toward me, he'd never mentioned wanting to masturbate while in my presence and it made me feel pretty awkward.
Things kind of dulled down until a couple weeks ago, when he spent the night at my house. (And yes, even though we're both 18 years old, we still have sleepovers during which we play Grand Theft Auto IV and Pokemon all night. Shut up. :P) The topic turned to penis length for some reason, and we eventually broke out the ruler and measured. We didn't actually see each other's, but my friend suggested it, saying "Best friends have nothing to hide." A few days ago, he came over to my house and we actually -did- end up comparing them in person. But things didn't stop there. He started suggesting things such as a handjob and even a blowjob, saying that he felt sorry that he'd gotten action from several girls, whereas I've never even had a legitimate date. I felt uncomfortable with this and I refused, despite being slightly tempted to actually go through with it. Yesterday, he visited after school and offered the same things, though he focused more on oral this time.
I'm tempted to go through with it, but 1) He's been my best friend for seven years and it feels somewhat awkward/uncomfortable thinking of doing such things with him. 2) He's currently dating a girl who I'm also friends with, and doing something sexual with him would make me feel extremely guilty on her behalf; he claims she'd never find out, which really baffles me, considering how much he dotes on her and acts like his life would be incomplete without her. 3) It feels a bit like he's just using me to experiment with his homosexual urges, mainly because I'm the only outlet he has; I'm both single and the only gay person he knows. And 4) I want my first sexual experiences to be with someone special, and though I am really close to him, I never imagined he'd offer something like this.
So, if you've actually read this far... :P Do you have any advice? A part of me wants to take his offer, yet I have a feeling I'd hate myself for it later.
My best friend is straight and he's currently in a year-long relationship with a girl he absolutely adores. I've never seen a more randomly perfect couple. xD Yet ever since I came out to him (about a year ago), I've been getting some subtly sexual signals from him. Immediately after I told him I'm gay and showed him some of my M/M yiff drawings, he asked if I'd drawn our characters together and mentioned he wouldn't have minded if I had. At the time, I assumed it was just his way of adjusting to my homosexuality (and I had suspected he'd think I was attracted to him in some way... that was actually a big fear I had about coming out to him). He also claimed he's 25% gay (or half-bi) and would consider performing gay acts in the future, despite being almost fully attracted to girls. He quoted me, saying, "Everyone should have a gay experience at least once in their lifetime."
About a month later, I spent the night at his house and we went swimming the next day. When we were done, he mentioned how badly he felt like mastur-(don't continue reading if your delicate ears can't handle 18+ conversations xD)-bating, and he proceeded to go upstairs to his bedroom to do just that; he also offered me his laptop in case I felt like doing the same. Though this wasn't exactly directed toward me, he'd never mentioned wanting to masturbate while in my presence and it made me feel pretty awkward.
Things kind of dulled down until a couple weeks ago, when he spent the night at my house. (And yes, even though we're both 18 years old, we still have sleepovers during which we play Grand Theft Auto IV and Pokemon all night. Shut up. :P) The topic turned to penis length for some reason, and we eventually broke out the ruler and measured. We didn't actually see each other's, but my friend suggested it, saying "Best friends have nothing to hide." A few days ago, he came over to my house and we actually -did- end up comparing them in person. But things didn't stop there. He started suggesting things such as a handjob and even a blowjob, saying that he felt sorry that he'd gotten action from several girls, whereas I've never even had a legitimate date. I felt uncomfortable with this and I refused, despite being slightly tempted to actually go through with it. Yesterday, he visited after school and offered the same things, though he focused more on oral this time.
I'm tempted to go through with it, but 1) He's been my best friend for seven years and it feels somewhat awkward/uncomfortable thinking of doing such things with him. 2) He's currently dating a girl who I'm also friends with, and doing something sexual with him would make me feel extremely guilty on her behalf; he claims she'd never find out, which really baffles me, considering how much he dotes on her and acts like his life would be incomplete without her. 3) It feels a bit like he's just using me to experiment with his homosexual urges, mainly because I'm the only outlet he has; I'm both single and the only gay person he knows. And 4) I want my first sexual experiences to be with someone special, and though I am really close to him, I never imagined he'd offer something like this.
So, if you've actually read this far... :P Do you have any advice? A part of me wants to take his offer, yet I have a feeling I'd hate myself for it later.
The first is that you could potentially ruin your friendship, and you guys would never be able to look at each other again.
The second is that knowing this about each other, your friendship could be ruined (in a sense) regardless, so there's nothing to lose.
The third is GET SOME.
I say nay.
He's already in a relationship with someone else and to ask you (only after finding out that you're gay) makes me feel like he just wants to get his rocks off. Not to mention that you're friends with his girlfriend. Honestly, don't go through with it. It could ruin your friendship with him but before it gets there he might want to do it more often (which might complicate matters). Not only is that cheating on his part, but you'd also loose another friend. Hell you might lose both of them depending on things go.
I'd talk to him about it and tell him that it makes you feel awkward. Hopefully he gets that he pushed his boundary.
I agree; I'd feel incredibly guilty if I went behind his girlfriend's back and experimented with him, and even more guilty if it ruined their relationship and/or our friendship. I plan to talk to him about it soon. :P Thanks for the friendly advice!~
You're very welcome too ^w^~
Sticky situation that could go wrong in all the bad ways. (no puns intended ;P )
Oh and this is random but your icon is....hot.. >w<;
Lmao. Yes, it certainly would be a sticky situation. x3
Thanks! :3 I'm surprised I've been able to get away with having my character's balls plainly showing on my icon. If it doesn't eventually get removed or something, I'm thinking of offering butt-icon commissions for like $2-3 (once I get Paypal).
Male Friend: "So....you're gay.....you're got going to have some crush on me are you?"
Me: "Ummm....no offense but....EWWWWWWW!"
Sticky xDDDD Sorry about that. I responded early in the morning...and I only had half of my brain under control. Same goes for the part after that. >W<;;;;
Hmmmm how long have you had that icon for? I would definitely buy one. Even if it isn't removed, I could still put it somewhere...and look at it >:3
I was afraid he'd react that way when I came out to him last year. x3 I freaked myself out by thinking "What if he thinks I'm attracted to him because I like guys? Then he'll get creeped out and start avoiding me! .__." Instead, things went in a completely different direction and I'm now trying to keep his hands off me. Oh, the irony. *facepalm*
No problem. x3
I've only had it as my icon for a few days, but I'm hoping it stays up for a -loooong- time. I'll let you know if I start doing icon commissions!
Hahahaha I can see that but there's more to my story than meets the eye. My friend goes to the gym a lot. He also gets hit on by guys a lot. Because he was hit on a lot, he assumed I was going to do the same....apparently he has similar conversations with random people he meets there D: But hey. It's nice to know that you're wanted...for something. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing though. xP
Yessssss
The only reason I could possibly see for you to go through with his offer for the blowjob is simply to appease his desire to experiment, but there are so many other factors weighing in the opposite direction, including your discomfort, your wanting your first to be with someone special, and his girlfriend, that I highly doubt going through with his offer is a good decision. It'd take something pretty insane for this to seem like a good decision, like his girlfriend giving you two the go-ahead, you suddenly not caring about this being your friend of 7 years, and wanting your first time to be with someone special or him suddenly seeming like someone special.
Fun topic, this, especially as a break during my reading for philosophy (ethics/morality) class!
I agree, the consequences definitely outweigh the benefits. :/ I don't want to complicate and/or screw up our friendship, nor destroy his relationship with his girlfriend over something as stupid as a blowjob. It's a tempting offer, but I'll tell him I can't accept for moral reasons until either he's single or his girlfriend has approved it.
Glad I provided you with a topic of discussion! xD
A: It sounds like he's not really sure what he may or may not REALLY want.
B: One of my long-held rules--"Never get involved if it could ruin a relationship" (especiallysince you're friends with her, too).
C: It generally tends to be a dangerous thing to get physically involved with a close friend, unless serious feelings develop on their own over time.
D: You really should hold out until it's someone you can truly say that you love, and that loves you back.
Just my few cents of greymuzzle knowledge. :)
B. That's the main reason I declined his offer. :P He doesn't view it as cheating because it'd be experimenting without romance, but nevertheless, it could potentially ruin his relationship.
C. It feels awkward thinking about doing something sexual with a friend I've known since 5th grade, but I actually wouldn't be bothered much by it if he wasn't currently dating someone. The lack of romantic feelings between us actually makes it a lot less awkward than if we were legitimately attracted to each other.
D. Since this would just be a little fooling around and not full-on sex, I'd be willing to do it with someone who isn't quite my soulmate. *shrugs* But I agree, it's best to wait.
Thanks for the advice! :3
G'luck out there.
.....I know, I'm a terrible person. Well... honestly the only thing that would stop me is #2. :< But aside from that, I'd be all over it. Good friends are ones you can trust the most. :P But if it's just too awkward for you to do, then just be firm with him and tell him that it makes you too uncomfortable. :<
Honestly I regret saving myself for that 'special someone.' I really just waited until I was 18, and now I pretty much don't care for the person who I thought was so special. Usually your first is not your last, so just live it up. :B
He -is- someone I feel comfortable around, and despite the slight awkwardness caused by him being my best friend, I really am tempted to go through with it. >__> If he was single, I probably would. Besides, who knows when another opportunity like this will arise?
However, I know I'd feel incredibly guilty on his girlfriend's behalf, especially because she's one of the most genuinely nice people I know. :/ I don't want to damage their relationship or my friendship with either of them, so I'm probably gonna hold off on physical contact unless he somehow provides proof that his girlfriend is fine with it. Which I highly doubt will happen. x3 He -miiiight- get me to agree to some slight physical contact if he's really convincing, but I think the best option is to play it safe for now.
There is truth in "What she doesn't know won't hurt her," but..... yeah, I'd go with "Not unless she's okay with it." :3 But he sounds like an awesome friend. xD Aside from the wanting to cheat on his girlfriend part. >__> So, an awesome friend, but not so awesome boyfriend. >>
Personal opinion: If what is happening to you like it happened to me your friendship with him might be toast... Unless you tell him that your not into him in any way sexual. Unless you want to be a fuck buddy. . . but I wouldn't want to be...
It really sucks that that happened to you. :( *hugs*
So what have you decided to do so far?
I'll admit I'm 27 this month; it's only recently that I'm learning to separate romantic/personal interest and sexual interest when/if necessary. I'm not in your exact situation, but this is still the same general idea... you've possibly got an opportunity to fuck around, try some shit, and have fun with no real implications involved... I'd say go for it if you know what you're getting into. (do you or he need to be tested for anything prior? consider safety, too)
the fan-girl in me screams: "hell yeah, do it", but considering reality, I'd say, you're perfectly right with the reasons not to
in the end, I find it mean of him to suggest such things, if he's not ready do go all the way, quit with his girl and be ready to fall for you
I have done something similar once and it's just not fair to anybody involved
I never believed in sexual exclusivity in the absence of civil union/marriage. I think, as long as the folks in the relationship are open, they should be allowed to experience pleasure with others. I'm currently in an open relationship with two other guys, and all three of us are very happy.
Your mileage may vary.
1) On the topic of experimental sex "ruining your friendship"... Your best friend should be someone that sticks with you no matter what happens (excluding direct betrayal, etc. obviously). If he's coming on to you and asking you to engage in sexual experimentation with him, then it seems pretty clear that he wants it to happen. You mentioned you feel uncomfortable with the idea... I'd think hard about whether your feelings for him would endure experimentation like that. Plenty of teenagers experiment together (just look around the internet, you'll find plenty of examples) and their friendships survive it. As others have said, I'd have a frank conversation (it doesn't have to be long or awkward) with him and make sure you both want it to happen. If you both feel comfortable going into it, I think you'd both really enjoy going through with it.
2) This may sound rather pessimistic, but... Friends do come and go. My set of friends now (at 25) is COMPLETELY different than when I graduated high school. Even if things got awkward between you (and my gut feeling from what you've said is that they would NOT)... There will be other friends. Life will go on, and you'll have an experience you learned from. If you overcomplicate every decision with excessive internal debate, you'll miss out many fun things in life. :3
3) On the topic of "saving yourself for a special first time"... As BarkWoof said, usually your first time is far from your best. :) If you wait around for the ideal situation, you're just missing out on an opportunity to get close® to someone you enjoy spending time with already. And it's honestly a comfort (to me at least) to know I can trust someone I'm fooling around with. In fact, I generally try to become friends with someone I'm attracted to before I even think about proposing such activities. A really good friend is an ideal candidate for your first time, in my opinion.
4) On the topic of the girlfriend... That's an iffy situation. Personally, I wouldn't try anything unless I knew his girlfriend was okay with it. It's not worth the potential drama for either of you, plus it's just kind of a crappy thing to do. :P Some (many?) girls actually find it to be a turn-on watching two guys, so maybe she'd be interested in watching or participating. Or she could be really cool with it because she supports her boyfriend and wants him explore who he is. Who knows? :P Then again, if she's the super-jealous type and would always resent the fact that your friend sorta has the the hots for you, it might be bad to ask. I'm sure you have a pretty good idea of how she'd take it, so I would just go with your gut feeling on this one. By the way, bravo for considering her feelings in all of this. I consider that a sign of good moral character. :)
Hopefully that helps. I know this is about a week past when you asked, but maybe it'll still be relevant. ;)