FA+
Shop
Friendship, Reality, Isolation
14 years ago
General
I'm having a very difficult time right now because I've honestly reached a point in my life where I am no longer sure who my friends are. I know a lot of people but that doesn't mean they're my friends. Far from it I've found.
Even people I really thought I knew that I felt I could trust and count on. I've been disappointed by their betrayal. I guess I didn't know shit about their real loyalties and I guess I didn't mean much to them. I am reluctant to trust anyone again if even people I considered my closest friends can do this to me. It means they probably weren't really my friends if they'd hurt me like this.
On a more broad level most are simply guilty of not giving a shit, they're just acquaintances and they have no desire to put any more effort into it then that. I spend a lot of time trying to interact with them put a lot of my own energy in but I've never felt it was reciprocal. They don't dislike me so they tolerate my presence politely. They never put any of their own self into it though nor do they ever seek out my company themselves. When I stop trying so hard I don't hear from them. I'm pretty sure this isn't what a real friendship is either. This covers a lot of people in my life.
I don't know what to do but I feel so alone and isolated. I feel like nobody cares. I feel betrayed by those I did care about. Above all I feel I don't really know people and can't trust them or depend on them for anything more then disappointment. Here I stand with all these accounts and lists of people that should mean something but don't. It's all fake and means nothing. I'm guilty of the same I don't know hardly anyone on my lists anymore either, I've just never done any housecleaning because I don't want to upset people (not like they're missing anything all my posts are public). Does any of this really mean anything? I want to cut my fake ties and just walk away. I more and more get the feeling that nothing in my life is real.
Who are you and do you care about me? What am I to you? Why are you here if you're here at all?
Even people I really thought I knew that I felt I could trust and count on. I've been disappointed by their betrayal. I guess I didn't know shit about their real loyalties and I guess I didn't mean much to them. I am reluctant to trust anyone again if even people I considered my closest friends can do this to me. It means they probably weren't really my friends if they'd hurt me like this.
On a more broad level most are simply guilty of not giving a shit, they're just acquaintances and they have no desire to put any more effort into it then that. I spend a lot of time trying to interact with them put a lot of my own energy in but I've never felt it was reciprocal. They don't dislike me so they tolerate my presence politely. They never put any of their own self into it though nor do they ever seek out my company themselves. When I stop trying so hard I don't hear from them. I'm pretty sure this isn't what a real friendship is either. This covers a lot of people in my life.
I don't know what to do but I feel so alone and isolated. I feel like nobody cares. I feel betrayed by those I did care about. Above all I feel I don't really know people and can't trust them or depend on them for anything more then disappointment. Here I stand with all these accounts and lists of people that should mean something but don't. It's all fake and means nothing. I'm guilty of the same I don't know hardly anyone on my lists anymore either, I've just never done any housecleaning because I don't want to upset people (not like they're missing anything all my posts are public). Does any of this really mean anything? I want to cut my fake ties and just walk away. I more and more get the feeling that nothing in my life is real.
Who are you and do you care about me? What am I to you? Why are you here if you're here at all?
For thousands of years, we've improved communication technologies for the sake of convenience that we can filter who is and who isn't a part of our lives even if we walk in the same world with them. The very things that build closeness and are the building blocks to lasting relationships are also the things that we filter out the most of our lives.
It's not just you; I make posts - sometimes ones where I ask questions of my friends here on FA, and there's so little response (usually zero) that if feelings became part of the equation, I'd be feeling ostracized or shunned; then feel betrayed for no one so much as giving me a notice. I know where you're coming from.
*smiles weakly*