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What is the point?
14 years ago
General
My life is so repetitive that it makes me sick. I hate coming to work every day and doing the same goddamn thing over and over again.
Some book told me once that I feel secure in having the same routine every day, but that just doesn't seem right anymore.
Since I work at night (Midnight-8 AM) my sleep is never what other people consider normal. Even week to week my sleep changes based on what other people have forced me to do during the day and on my days off. I am in a constant state of jetlag all the time. No one really seems to understand what it's like to always feel that way. Well I will tell you it fucking sucks.
I just keep wondering if this is how the rest of my life is going to be, and what the point of it is.
I am living three separate lives. Each life has to be shielded from the others. Many of you are also in this situation when it comes to Furry and RL. However, I have also seem to have developed a gambling addiction. I am losing about $1,500.00 a month to the casino and their machines are not giving me a lucky break at all. If I could win just one big jackpot of $14,000.00 I could walk away and be done with it. I used to mock people who would throw away their cash at the casino... but now that I am one of those people... I really can't say shit. I hate what it has done to me...
I spend most of my days off with a 60 year old female friend. She is more than twice my age, and I frequently rip on her age. I'm not seeking a romantic relationship with her. Spending time with her playing board games and traveling around has left little time for me to do anything else. You know... something constructive and life changing.
I just can't seem to attract anyone in my age range anymore. They're either more than 7 years older than me or more than 7 years younger than me. Age difference is a problem because the older people seem more nerdy, introverted, and always play the winky face wise person persona. The younger people don't know shit, pass themselves around like a peace pipe, and get bent out of shape easily.
I should never have stopped taking that ADHD medication when I was in middle school. Since it was an appetite suppressant... the loss of it caused my weight to go from 130 pounds to 250 pounds eventually. Not only that... but my mind is so scatterbrained without it that nothing I want to do with my life seems remotely possible.
I love music so much... I am incredibly jealous of anybody who has musical talents...
Watching people play the drums is just mind boggling to me... and when I try to do it I can't do two separate patterns in my brain. My left and right hands always want to be doing the same thing... It's extremely frustrating. I always thought I had some kind of brain damage or genetic disorder that keeps nerve signals from being separate...
I have self-esteem issues regarding my physical appearance as well. As stated above I'm a big fatty. The other problem is I'm genetically also a fairly hairy person.
When I look the way I do I shouldn't have the right to judge other people's looks harshly, but I do. It amazes me how critical my mind is of other people's physical appearance when mine is not the best, either.
I used to have a big mustache last summer just to be silly, but it caused almost everyone to go WTF and keep their distance from me. At least that's how it seemed when I met up with another fur IRL. I should have known it was stupid to have a big mustache, but I was just so tired of my plainness that I wanted to give it a try.
There are more things bothering me about my life, but I've got a pretty good list started here. Thanks for reading and replying.
Some book told me once that I feel secure in having the same routine every day, but that just doesn't seem right anymore.
Since I work at night (Midnight-8 AM) my sleep is never what other people consider normal. Even week to week my sleep changes based on what other people have forced me to do during the day and on my days off. I am in a constant state of jetlag all the time. No one really seems to understand what it's like to always feel that way. Well I will tell you it fucking sucks.
I just keep wondering if this is how the rest of my life is going to be, and what the point of it is.
I am living three separate lives. Each life has to be shielded from the others. Many of you are also in this situation when it comes to Furry and RL. However, I have also seem to have developed a gambling addiction. I am losing about $1,500.00 a month to the casino and their machines are not giving me a lucky break at all. If I could win just one big jackpot of $14,000.00 I could walk away and be done with it. I used to mock people who would throw away their cash at the casino... but now that I am one of those people... I really can't say shit. I hate what it has done to me...
I spend most of my days off with a 60 year old female friend. She is more than twice my age, and I frequently rip on her age. I'm not seeking a romantic relationship with her. Spending time with her playing board games and traveling around has left little time for me to do anything else. You know... something constructive and life changing.
I just can't seem to attract anyone in my age range anymore. They're either more than 7 years older than me or more than 7 years younger than me. Age difference is a problem because the older people seem more nerdy, introverted, and always play the winky face wise person persona. The younger people don't know shit, pass themselves around like a peace pipe, and get bent out of shape easily.
I should never have stopped taking that ADHD medication when I was in middle school. Since it was an appetite suppressant... the loss of it caused my weight to go from 130 pounds to 250 pounds eventually. Not only that... but my mind is so scatterbrained without it that nothing I want to do with my life seems remotely possible.
I love music so much... I am incredibly jealous of anybody who has musical talents...
Watching people play the drums is just mind boggling to me... and when I try to do it I can't do two separate patterns in my brain. My left and right hands always want to be doing the same thing... It's extremely frustrating. I always thought I had some kind of brain damage or genetic disorder that keeps nerve signals from being separate...
I have self-esteem issues regarding my physical appearance as well. As stated above I'm a big fatty. The other problem is I'm genetically also a fairly hairy person.
When I look the way I do I shouldn't have the right to judge other people's looks harshly, but I do. It amazes me how critical my mind is of other people's physical appearance when mine is not the best, either.
I used to have a big mustache last summer just to be silly, but it caused almost everyone to go WTF and keep their distance from me. At least that's how it seemed when I met up with another fur IRL. I should have known it was stupid to have a big mustache, but I was just so tired of my plainness that I wanted to give it a try.
There are more things bothering me about my life, but I've got a pretty good list started here. Thanks for reading and replying.
I still love you
As for being overweight you should try Atkins~ I've been on it since like.. January and I've lost around 32 lbs. The rate at which I lose weight has slowed up substantially though.. Think I've been eating too many carbs or something.. o_o
You have plenty of friends Hazel, just we have rarely seen you around and we thought the world swollowed you. Rayfina has occasionally asked about you as well.
I once was on 3rd shift like you are. When you work nights you rarely have a social life, it really makes a huge difference when you get back on a day schedule. Just take life one task at a time, clear your mind, and you should find solving problems become easier. Hang in there, were all here behind ya.
I introduce one friend I care deeply for, to another friend I care deeply for. I expect us all to be friends together, but slowly I am dropped out of the "relationship" so to speak. I mean... I'm not looking for a three-way love affair or anything like that, but why should Zack and Rayfina both act like I don't exist anymore. I was trying to give them space and time to become more intimate with each other, but it was tearing me up inside.
Zack disappears off the face of the earth... Rayfina befriends people I absolutely hate. What am I supposed to do?
Sometimes being a friend means tolerating another friend and respecting their choices to have friends, even if you don't get along with them. Trust is an important thing to have in any relationship.. Friend or Intimate.
It doesn't get any better...
It can be more tolerable if it's something you enjoy, otherwise it's the same old shit.
Forget "Winning a Prize", ever, you have to be a super-looser with a foot in the grave with 60 cats to leave the fortune to.
So, yeah... My solution, f*ck em all and prove em wrong...
Sorry, not a pep-talker, but you know that.
Try not to tackle them all at once.
Sorry for the bland advice. I'm no know-it-all