yeah, no X3 or jokes or anything...

I've been getting increasing bitter and blank. Blank best describes me right about now. This Blank-ness, i feel it's worse than feeling empty, because i at least know I'm feeling emotionless. Blank, as defined by ferret.

"Blank- Absence of understanding feeling"

This isn't angst, or turmoil, or mood swings, or crying myself to sleep. I, i just don't don't understand why i feel a certain way at any given moment anymore. I'll be happy about something, but not understand why. I'll feel a wave of sadness and longing, but not truly understand why. I can point to a reason, but it's just a simple answer. Nothing deep, as it deserves.

So, "Blank" is something you may see more often. Ever since two weeks ago, I've come to terms with "Blank". I just don't understand anymore...

Therefore, I'm not depressed. Don't worry about me too much, I won't go for depression or cutting or suicidal or any of that crap. I'm just at a loss. There's a hole in my heart, and i don't know when it will ever be filled.

James, I did love you with all my heart and soul, no doubt about it. My times with you were truly and utterly the best I've ever had. I'm sure I'll look back years from now, and still be proud that you were my first boyfriend. However, that time is over. I've been cruel and unfair to you as of late, and that isn't fair to you at all. You deserve so much better than me, and you need to see that. I'm great at times, but I think I'm a permanent "best friend" to people closest to me... This blankness and emptiness comes and goes, and my depression was too crippling to you. I never want to see that happen again, so this is for the best.

When we separated <the true time>, I felt like you already handled it, and that you were fine and dandy about it. I have since been enlightened, but that was misery to me. The thought that plagued my mind was "How could you possibly transition from soulmates to friends so easily?" And maybe that is what brought all those horrible thoughts and bitterness toward you. I don't know exactly, but that is the best explanation i can give. I'm sorry I'm so flawed in this way, but it would continue and get worse and worse if i didn't write this out. I did listen to the song you sent me. However, once i realized that i didn't shed a single tear, or felt anything from it, I knew finally what had happened to me. I'm reverting back to the way I used to be, shallow. My emotions are going back to being skin deep. Blank.

This last week, as hard as it was for you, it was necessary. I didn't see results until this morning, truly. I feel like I'm getting closer to this understanding, but that may never come to me. I don't ask for forgiveness from the way i've been to you, I couldn't possibly do that to you, but know that I feel sorry. If there was any other way, I would have sought it. But, in my heart, i knew this was the appropriate response to "the situation". The first day was hard, but after that my days seemed shallow waters, but it was better than drowning. I don't think my mind will let me drown. I seem to cope with emotions by shutting them off. You, Ari, and Lena have slowly, but surely broken them down, and i don't want those efforts to go to vain.

I'm will continue to contemplate my emotions further and further until i reach that understanding. I owe you three that much.

P.S. Kitty, thank you for putting up with me over the past few days. I must have seen like a roller coaster. Helping you, needing help, then repairing the damage i did. Looking back, i don't know how I've been able to function that way throughout my life.


<This was more for my sake than anyone else, really. If i wanted to make this perfect, i'd never get it done. Take it as it is, heart-pouring-out-ness>

PFA over. Have a nice rest of day.