do i really know what to believe anymore? i don't think i do. i can't get myself to see anything straight except for my own "perverted" beliefs and dreams that anyone else would consider nightmares. just an hour ago i convinced myself that the clouds are really the ghosts of my people and that the stars are silent angelic watchers and protectors. go ape shit crazy trying to figure that one out. tomorrow the weekend ends and i must go back to the shitastrophy of a life that's plagued me for so long. and now i'm going through yet another enstrangement. this one should hurt more than the others, it is supposed to hurt more, but somehow i just...can't feel a thing. i think i'm finally truely dead on the inside. and the worst part is that i like it. i know i'm insane, but insanity is a blessing and not a curse. it was never a curse. i know that i'm evil, but looking at me as a person you would never consider this train of thought. 'good' is a disgusting, horrible thing. the churches are 'good'. the crusades were 'good'. priesthoods are 'good'. liberators are 'good'. visionaries like hitler and fidel castro, stalin and kim jong are 'good'. those who consider themselves truely evil inside recognize this. we recognize the world for what it really is and realize that there is no changing how it works. there will always be war. there will always be strife. there will always be heartbreak, always be betrayal, always be death and decay. so shall there always be life, hope, and redemption. and so shall there always be control and imprisonment. it isn't a modern curse, or a human fault. it is merely the way of the fabric of all that is material and immaterial, real and unreal.

i cannot decide on any logical way of presenting the rest of the thoughts searing through my mind...like so many beautiful paper wings...so i am just going to leave it at this. my spirit is shattered enough and my mind can't handle much more at the moment. i wish my soul could at least lift me from this world for a short time.
good night.